brimstone
by sharkphobia
Summary: nine lives, nine chances, nine ways to live, nine ways to die. why take -star as your name and promise to protect your clan, when you can't even protect yourself? [fic for NaNoWriMo]
1. wellspring

**a/n: this is a fic for NaNoWriMo!**

 **as a disclaimer, i would like to mention a few things; this fic is technically set in a _noncanon_ universe of warriors, where certain rules are different and certain customs are different - this clan and this setting is not the exact same as the canon books. there are also plenty of LGBT characters, and their pronouns and sexualities should be respected - if that's of any problem, you kindly don't have to read.**

 **but regardless, i hope you enjoy a gay, depressing fic for the month of november!**

* * *

 _ **p** rologue._

" _i think it might be fear - of the world, and the way, it makes you feel afraid."_

* * *

IT'S HARD TO LISTEN to her breathing; the ancient molly is losing strength, with every exhale coming out in a soft gasp - she's weakening, _fading_ , with hardly any of her former energy left in her. She's always been the face of BrackenClan, ever since any cat can remember, ever since any cats _parents_ can remember - Patchstar's legacy spans seasons.

It's _unbelievably_ hard to imagine succeeding her.

The old molly searches the darkness, blind gray-green eyes dim with exhaustion as she tries to find a face, a scent, something to cling to - finally, though, she speaks:

"Lightningpelt," she whispers in a soft, quiet voice. He has to strain to hear her; he does so, pricking his ears and moving closer to his leader. "Lightningpelt."

"Yes?" is all he can say, struggling to find anything else to verbalize; he doesn't know how to console her, he doesn't have an elders wise, thoughtful words to help stifle any worries she might have - he has nothing to offer the poor molly.

"Are you afraid?" Patchstar's whiskers twitch slowly, and her blind gaze is shifting again; she's looking for him, trying to sense him.

He doesn't know what to say - he knows he should be honest, to confide in his leader and friend in her last moments, or to help ease any worries she might have about the fate of the Clan she must finally leave behind.

Unsurely, he decides to just wing it, to play on the border between coy and humble, and say: "It's a little daunting, but I wouldn't say I'm _afraid_."

Patchstar has never been easy to fool, and she twitches her tail-tip slowly. "You're not appeasing me."

Lightningpelt's ears draw back; he frowns, lowering his head to rest it on his forepaws, nose close to his leaders nest. "I don't….know what 'appease' means, Patchstar, but I'm going to-"

"You're not tricking me," the molly says slowly, sighing; it sounds like it takes so much out of her, as though she's exhaled every ounce of breath from her body, and she takes a moment to begin speaking again: "I'm not a fool, Lightingpelt; you shouldn't try to con the dying." She says it with a smile, letting him know she is half-joking, but he still feels a nugget of guilt in his belly.

He sighs, blinking slowly at the thin body of his leader; she looks so frail, her black-and-white fur tinged with more gray than he can ever remember seeing - is this his first time truly noticing how old she was? His first time really _seeing_ her?

He suddenly feels like he doesn't know her very well at all.

Frowning, he murmurs: "Fine, I'm….I'm worried, yeah," It feels wrong to even _admit_ it, but Patchstar deserves the truth; she's trusted him, believed in him, and honesty is the least he can do, he finally decides. "I'm just so. _Young_ , Patchstar; I know I've experienced a lot and all that, and that I've been deputy for a while, but-" He cuts off, sighing.

The old molly makes a soft noise that sounds like a purr. "You are young. Young enough to be my great-grandkit," she jokes. "But you have incredible courage; you are thoughtful, wise. You will be a fine successor."

He flattens his ears. "I can't even be honest about my feelings," he mumbles, twitching his whiskers and _thinking_ ; about his whole life, where secrecy about his emotions were what he thought would protect him most; about a ginger face, a bitter fight during newleaf; thinking about _now_ , about lying to Patchstar about his true feelings. "I'm not even half the warrior Dustheart was - let alone an _inch_ of the deputy he was."

Patchstar's breaths get a little more ragged; Lightningpelt feels awful for mentioning her old deputy, for potentially bringing back painful memories - he knows that Dustheart had been her deputy for seasons, since Lightningpelt was a kitten, and for him to have died took a massive toll on her.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs, pushing his nose into his paws in shame. "I'm sorry, I-"

"It's alright, Lightningpelt," the molly murmurs, voice ragged; her flanks rise and fall a little slower now, and Lightningpelt knows she's nearing the end of her long, long life. "I chose you as his successor because I believe in you, Lightningpelt."

She says it so simply, with such a finality to it that Lightingpelt almost believes in himself, in her, for just a moment - Patchstar says it as though it were a fact: the grass is green, the sky is blue, Patchstar believes in Lightningpelt and has faith he'll be a good leader.

" _I_ don't believe in me," he tells her, voice soft.

Patchstar's blind eyes turn to him then; they are not making contact with his gaze, but staring through him in a way that makes him almost uncomfortable - it's as though she's seeing him for who he is, searching him, finding his rawest emotions.

Slowly, a small, bony paw touches his own; her paw gently rests on his. He notices the way it trembles, shaking from her old age and sickness.

"I believe in you," she says again. "I always have."

He wants to repeat himself, to remind her that his own self-doubt is what's causing him pause, hesitation, but there is something in the old mollies voice that causes him to be silent, to think back on the moment she chose him to be deputy-

" _-and it is never easy to choose another deputy, not after I have served alongside one for so long; Dustheart and I have been friends ever since he was a warrior, when I was a much younger leader, more spritely; it is hard to cope with his loss. But we will carry on - and I would like Lightningpelt to aid me in helping BrackenClan deal with our loss."_

 _His ears shoot up, and he looks up at the black-and-white molly; her gaze is final, her face at ease._

-and he frowns, bowing his head.

"You always have," he murmurs, finally bringing himself closer to her, and putting his muzzle against his leaders neck.

He rests with her then, curled against Patchstar; her own kin has died by now, already waiting for her to join them in the stars, and Lightningpelt calmly listens to the old molly list off their names as her breathing slows.


	2. fragment

**a/n: hello hello! i just wanted to quickly mention that the clan customs of this clan, brackenclan, are VASTLY different than in canon - it's nothing too complicated, but you'll see that these clan customs are different than in the books.**

 **tw for death/burial in this part; while it's bittersweet and tries to be uplifting, if funerals or death upsets you, proceed with caution please!**

* * *

 **p** _art_ **o** _ne._

" _under the skin, against the skull - they put a little chip so they know it all._

" _i think i might be scared."_

HE KEEPS HIS HEAD HELD HIGH as he makes his way through the bramble-entwined tunnel; the scents from the Whispering Willow are brushed off by blackberry leaves, reminding him of _home_. He is back, back to _his_ Clan, his family - and there they are on the other side, seemingly waiting for him with wide-eyes and bittersweet faces.

His eyes drift to the center of camp; in the middle of the hollow, surrounded by flowers, is where Patchstar still lays - she is gone now, her long legacy finally ended and ready to start anew, but he still feels a twist in his chest upon seeing her body.

"Lightningpelt!" A voice calls out; his gaze forcefully breaks away from the body, and he searches around him. He catches the gaze of a young brown tabby, and he smiles gently; he waits for her to pad over to him before touching noses. "Or is it…?"

He nods, exhaustion from the rough night clouding his mind; it's rather hard to think, but he knows he must carry on - there's things to do, duties to perform, and he has to get used to it.

( _"Leaders cannot stall, Lightningpelt, you must remember that."_ )

"What, I don't look leader-like?" he finds himself joking; a small ease begins to fill him when he begins to fall back on a more joking, less serious way of talking - he's never been one for somber conversation. "I thought I was _regal_ , as you described it."

He's speaking lowly as to not attract too much attention; aside from the looks he got from his Clanmates when he first came back, everyone has gone back to doing what they had before - grieving, sitting vigil, helping around the camp.

But the young molly smiles, shaking her head. "I was _trying_ to be nice - to help you not be so nervous," she says it softly. "But I'm glad that- well, you know, StarClan accepted you, and all that."

He chuckles a little, leaning forward to give between her ears a lick; she ducks away instinctually, always claiming _others are watching!,_ but he smiles regardless (although it is bittersweet.)

"Let me do what I need to do," he tells her, twitching his whiskers. "And then I'll tell you all I can tell you about it afterwards, Otterstream."

Otterstream frowns. "I thought you weren't _allowed-_ "

"Exactly."

She frowns, and opens her mouth to meow an objection at him, but he silences her with a flick of his tail, giving her a small glance. They had to be serious now; a bittersweet longing fills him as he glances towards the frail, stiff body in the middle of camp.

 _It's wrong to talk with Otterstream so freely with Patchstar's body still laying there,_ he thinks, sighing softly. _But I- well, they need me to be a leader. To...help them move on, and all that._

He pads closer to the center of camp, his paws moving slowly, feeling stiff; the closer he gets to Patchstar's body, the more grief he feels - he'll miss her, they _all_ will. She's irreplaceable, but-

(" _Life must go on, my friend; you've known me since you were a kitten, and I have lead you throughout your life, your parents life, and their parents life - a leader lives longer than any other, living to see changes in the forest most will never be able to. You will learn this soon."_ )

His Clanmates begin to draw from her body as he nears; he glances at them, tail-tip flicking, before looking back down on the body of their former leader.

Someone positioned her to look as though she were asleep; her legs are tucked under her body, face forever still. Her black-and-white fur is still streaked with gray, and he can finally see every single scar and nick on her pelt that she had hid from them all so well.

There was the scratch on her shoulder that she had told him came from a fox when she was a young warrior - _"my name had been Patchwind then, and that 'ole fox was a nasty one, screamed right in my face and bit my shoulder - I'm lucky to be alive."_ \- and there was the nicks in her ears from when she had been attacked by a rogue; a scratch on her flank from a CreekClan warrior; spots of missing fur from a lifetime of fighting for and defending her Clan.

The flowers strown around her body were a nice touch, he thinks; a leader burial is something far between, and there is no living cat in the Clan at the moment who has seen the ceremony be performed.

But, slowly, he begins to glance about; the Clan gathers instinctually, all crowding around the center of camp to listen to him. This is his first time addressing his Clan as a leader, as morbid as it is, and he finds himself a little self-conscious at first; he's worried of embarrassing himself or Patchstar's memory, or of facing scrutiny.

He takes one look around at his Clan before speaking, catching the gaze of his parents; he dips his head to them, and they both smile at him encouragingly.

Gathering up his courage, he finally says: "Patchstar's legacy spans seasons, lifetimes, as all leaders do; she was the oldest leader in the forest at the time - the forest will feel her loss greatly. The valley will mourn for her."

Around him, the Clan repeats him: "The valley will mourn for her."

He nods, twitching his whiskers, remembering the ceremony as best he could - he wants to do it right, to give a final say on Patchstar's legacy, her life, to remind BrackenClan of the leader she was.

"Her mother's name was Badgerflower, and her father was named Brightfur - although, Patchstar would often joke with me that not even _she_ was sure that they were named that, as she had outlived them by so many generations."

There is a soft chuckle that goes through some of the Clan; Patchstar's old humor and wit, despite being told secondhand to them, still seems to help elevate their feelings - to bring back fond memories, rather than sad ones.

 _I have to remember to tell more jokes,_ he thinks to himself impulsively, wanting to impress.

"She had a brother - Swiftheart was his name. Patchstar had only one litter - her daughter, Brightleaf, was the mentor to Russetshade."

He gestures to the ginger tabby molly on his right; she blinks at him, almost in shock - but the sharp-tongued tabby gives him a bittersweet smile. She's probably thinking about her old mentor, and he doesn't blame her; mentors leave impressions on a cat, especially for medicine cats, he knows that better than anyone.

"Patchstar had a long, long life; she used to say that she would live out every one of her nine lives with the sole purpose of wanting to teach every generation something. She would….say that every one of her lives would end as a new generation would rear; that she had seen trees grow from sproutlings to massive oaks, that she had seen the births and deaths of many cats, more than she could count; that she had been alive for so long, she was sure the forest itself was getting tired of her."

The Clan chuckles again, clearly remembering the molly's wording; it had been a common saying in the Clan - _"Patchstar, do you think the forest gets tired of you?" "Does it ever; I'm certain that the reason why trees fall in our territory is StarClan's way of trying to get me to join them a bit quicker. I might be fast on my paws, but I'm not fast to die - they need to try a little harder!"_

He sighs, thinking back on his former leader, his friend; she had chosen him because she _believed_ in him. She told him so the night he died; she trusted and believed in him enough to entrust her Clan to him.

Looking at the faces of his Clanmates - his family, cats he grew up with, cats who he had yet to know well - he realizes that this is the moment Patchstar always talked about; the moment that a leader knows they would give every one of their nine lives to protect their Clan.

He begins again: "I say these words before the body of Patchstar - leader of BrackenClan, mother to the forest, the heart of the valley-" The Clan repeats him again, saying the words softly - _leader of BrackenClan, mother of the forest, the heart of the valley -_ as was custom, as was said of every BrackenClan leader before her. "-that BrackenClan will carry on in your memory; that your life and the lessons you taught us will help guide us."

The Clan murmurs their agreement; he takes a breath afterwards, bending down to nose Patchstar's body - he touches the scar on her forehead, the scar that he now shares. A Leader's Mark, the mark of nine lives - hard to replicate, a burn rather than a slash. He gives it a lick, staring forlornly at the calm face of his former leader.

"StarClan has given me nine lives," he finally says, gazing upon his Clan once more. "and I would be honored to lead BrackenClan if the Clan would have me." The ceremony is almost finished, and he feels anxiety at the pause that hangs after he finishes - he wonders if BrackenClan would truly accept him, if they were confident enough in him that they would allow him to lead them.

Finally, the Clan meows their agreement; he hears younger members of the Clan shout something, a _of course!_ before an older cat silences them. No words needed to be spoken; all that was needed was the meows that will reach the stars and voice their allegiance to him, to the Clan, to work together.

"Then I am Lightningstar now," he says finally, sighing in relief at being able to say his new name - no cat is supposed to speak it beforehand, not until the Clan accepts them - and he twitches his whiskers. _Think, be a Patchstar…_ "And no, this forehead burn didn't hurt _that_ badly." He gestures to the small yet raw mark on his forehead, where nine of StarClan's warriors touched him to give him a life.

He sees some warriors roll their eyes almost fondly, a few sigh, and he knows they're all thinking - _yeah, okay, he's still going to be like that._ Or at least he hopes so.

Lightningstar looks back down to Patchstar's body; customarily, her name would go back to her warrior name - there can only be one star in a Clan at a time, he thinks. But he can't call her Patchwind yet; it feels too new, too raw. She's still the molly he's known and respected for his whole life.

The Clan begins to disperse slowly; warriors break off together, apprentices pad to their den, elders stay to share tongues with their former leader one last time.

"If you need help with Patchwind's body, you can ask me," Lightningstar turns, smiling softly as his sister pads over; her amber eyes are as serious as always, but she touches cheeks with him regardless. "I'm not busy, and I'd like to help."

Lightningstar twitches his whiskers fondly. "Are you sure Sorrelnose doesn't need her big, strong-"

His sister growls, batting his ears playfully. "You're not a kit anymore - you're a _leader_ \- and you're _still_ teasing me about this?"

He purrs, wishing more than anything that he could drop into a crouch and bat at her, but even he knows that that's unbecoming; a leader must be serious, stone-faced, and all that.

"It's _funny_ , Beestrike," he meows, smirking. "It's also cute; you _know_ Sorrelnose would say yes to being your mate in a heartbeat. Faster than a robin chirps, slower than a-"

"Did you call me, Uncle Lightningstar?"

He turns rather swiftly, a smile breaking onto his face as he sees his niece; the little tortoiseshell looks back at him, batting her eyes up at him.

"I was teasing your Auntie Beestrike, Robinpaw, but I'm glad to see you!" He gives a last look to Beestrike, who rolls her eyes, before giving Robinpaw's forehead a lick. "How are you, hatchling? Everything with Sorrelnose okay?"

Beestrike makes a soft noise at the mention of Sorrelnose again, and Lightningstar almost smiles; it's not like it's his fault that Sorrelnose is mentoring their niece, but sometimes the stars have funny, _adorable_ little coincidences to offer.

Robinpaw nods. "Yeah! I just thought I heard you call my name - I don't mean to butt in."

Lightningstar chuckles. "Butt in all you want, I always have time."

Beestrike twitches her whiskers. "Of course; amidst your new leadership responsibilities and choosing a deputy by moonhigh, you have plenty of time," she deadpans.

Lightningstar sighs. "Do you _have_ to be a killjoy."

"I prefer 'the only sensible one in the litter', but killjoy works fine too, if you want to be a hardhead about it."

"I think you're forgetting that I've been running into walls since I was a 'paw and fell out of a tree once - I was _born_ with a hardhead, sis."

Beestrike lifts a brow. "Not something to brag about."

He gives her ear a nip - which earns him a nip back, right on the nose - before looking at his niece again.

"Do you need anything else, Robinpaw?" he asks, tail-tip flicking. "Anything you need that doesn't break the Warrior Code, cause the deaths of dozens, makes the moon fall from the sky, or causes the stream to run dry - as long as it's good with StarClan, I can probably help you out."

She gives him a giggle then, and his heart sinks a little - she got that laugh from somewhere, _someone_ , and he can't help but see her little tortoiseshell face shift to ginger, just for a moment, and Lightningstar to temporarily loses sight of her.

He focuses again as she says: "Well, can I ask a question?"

"Anything. Absolutely. Shoot."

"Was StarClan scary?" she asks, her voice suddenly a little quieter; he feels a little off balance by her question, a little worried - it's an innocent question, but he feels as though he knows what she _really_ wants to ask him.

Beestrike clears her throat. "You know your Uncle can't tell you much," she tells Robinpaw softly. "The ceremony is only meant for a leader and medicine cat to know of."

Robinpaw nods slowly. "I know, but I just- Leopardpaw and I were talking, and we asked Sootwhisker, but they couldn't...they didn't want to talk about it."

Lightningstar's chest feels cold, weighed by grief he struggled to live with - it's hard to answer her, to think about it, and he sighs.

"It was a little scary," he tells her quietly, ignoring Beestrike's look. "But that's all I can say, Robinpaw; some things have to be a mystery. You know how sorry I am for that."

To her utmost credit - which is a lot, because Lightningstar knows how young she is, how much her and Leopardpaw have dealt with - she just nods, saying a thank you to him and giving his cheek a lick before padding off.

Beestrike looks at him, ear flicking; he feels detached for that moment, in a different way than he had when Patchstar died - this was more raw, more personal.

"I don't want to talk about him," he almost begs her; she frowns, but just nods - she understands, he knows she does, but he just feels horrible and lost all over again.

Saying an excuse me to his littermate, he gets to his paws and pads to the medicine cat den - to perhaps bug Russetshade for an hour until he can no longer remember his grief.

* * *

Russetshade wasn't _exactly_ pleased to have Lightningstar crowding her den, but she doesn't object too harshly; she's been grieving, as she had when Brightleaf died, seasons before. Russetshade is a harsh molly, not overly sympathetic towards those who "don't deserve her sympathy" in her words, but she has a soft spot, he knows it.

(He remembers the night Patchstar died; walking into Russetshade's den, and seeing the tough molly he thought he knew so well, hunched over, whispering prayers to StarClan for the cat who was almost a grandmother to her.)

"I was thinking about asking an apprentice to run this burdock root over to Aldercloud," she tells him after a few moments of silence, orange eyes narrowed. "His joints are bothering him again; I'd do it myself, but I have to prepare for Patchwind's burial."

Lightningstar's ears draw back when he hears the deceased molly's warrior name; he knows it's customary, but it's hard to imagine calling her anything other than by her leader name.

Unfortunately, Russetshade is perceptive - she lashes her tail once at him. "I know it's hard to hear her warrior name," she murmurs, not unkindly - somewhere between sad and regretful, he thinks. "but you know that that's how it works; there can only be one star in each Clan."

"I know," he murmurs weakly; the reminder that he's a _-star_ now, not just a -pelt, not just another face lost in the Clan's numbers - it's still too new to him. Part of him expects to pad up the trail and into the leaders den and to see her still there, asking him to organize a new patrol or to tell him a warrior name she'd been thinking of giving out.

Russetshade's eyes soften; it's rare to see, and he almost cracks a joke about it, to ask her where the sudden kindness came from, until she speaks: "She hated doing it to the leader before her, you know," she tells him suddenly, shaking her head. "She would mention the name Brindlenose, and she'd still get this look on her face; years, _decades_ later, and she still viewed the leader before her the way she did while she was still deputy."

Lightningstar's ears draw back. "She never told me that," he murmurs softly, a sad, cold feeling beginning to grow in his gut - he knew Patchs- _Patchwind_ since kithood, was her deputy, and he….never knew much about the leader before her. It hurts, for some reason he can't quite place yet.

Russetshade twitches her whiskers. "She was a private cat, Lightningstar," she tells him. "Brightleaf used to tell me that not even she knew much about her mother's life - being a leader isn't easy. You'll have plenty of things that you'll want to keep a secret as you age, too."

He frowns. "You're not really helping me fit into this new role, you know," he almost jokes; the anxiety he had felt for moons, when it was clear that Patchstar was losing her final life and that _he_ would be her successor comes back in waves, and he looks away from his medicine cat.

Russetshade huffs, but it's hardly mean-spirited or serious. "If you want someone to hold your paw and baby you, go ask the queens or elders for advice," she tells him. "You know me; if you ask me for help, I'm going to tell you exactly how it is and what will happen."

He flicks his ear, remembering back to his apprentice days - limping into Russetshade's den, showing her the thorn in his paw and asking her, _begging_ her to let him know if it would cause an infection or if he'd lose his paw.

" _If I take the thorn out right now - which I will, don't worry - you won't lose it, but if you had decided to keep it in your paw and not tell me for some sort of….dumb pride thing," she had said slowly. "_ Then _you probably would have lost your paw. A nasty infection would've set in."_

He sighs, nodding slowly. "You're right," is all he says, suddenly feeling more and more tired - the events from the night - or morning, was it? - weigh more heavily on him now, and more than anything he wishes to curl up and sleep for about…..five moons. Give or take.

Russetshade flicks her tail, nodding. "Well, I have to start preparing the rosemary for Patchwind's burial - I'll ask Leopardpaw to take the root over to Aldercloud, I suppose."

He nods, not sure what to say.

She gives him a glance again, and he thinks the ginger tabby molly is going to snap at him to leave, before she quietly says: "And you know you need to choose our deputy by nightfall, now that the Clan and StarClan have accepted you and all that."

He frowns, the realization of it suddenly becoming daunting; _foxdung_ , he'd almost forgotten all about choosing a deputy.

"Right," Lightningstar offers, frowning.

"You forgot."

"Never!" he laughs, twitching his whiskers. "I've- I'm thinking of a list of names right now, just have to choose, you know I'd _never_ -"

"Mmmhm," Russetshade murmurs, not the least bit convinced.

"So I'll go do that now; just going. To prepare for Patchwind's burial, and all that, thank you for being a listening ear."

Russetshade rolls her eyes. "You're welcome, Lightningstar."

"Toodles!" he calls over his shoulder nervously, wanting to get out of the confined denspace and away from other cats, just for a little bit, just to clear his head.

"No one _says_ that anymore!" Russetshade snaps from behind him.

* * *

The Clan gathers quietly in the heart of the meadow; it's one of the few places in BrackenClan's territory where there are no trees, no undergrowth. It is completely exposed to the sky, to the stars - and that is why it's perfect for burials. Something about letting the stars see where a cat will be buried, and all that.

The herbs that Russetshade prepared for Patchwind's body fill the air around the gathered cats; as Lightningstar looks around at them, _his_ Clan, not just his home, but his _family_ now, his life - he tries to muster up the courage to say something worthwhile again. There is no particular ceremony for a leaders burial that he knows of; Russetshade had said nothing, only that leaders are buried in the center of the meadow - _the heart of the valley_ , he recalls.

Russetshade sits next to him, her tail over her paws; the Clan is silent as some of the oldest members - the ones who are closest to their leader, the wisest of them all, Lightningstar thinks - bring Patchwind's body to her burial spot.

Lightningstar takes another look at his Clan, trying to pick out faces - Beestrike was next to Sorrelnose of course, allowing the tortoiseshell molly to rest against her side; his parents were together, with his father, Waspcloud, giving his mother's cheek a gentle lick. Leopardpaw and Robinpaw were next to Sootwhisker; Otterstream was by her own parents.

He finally sighs, gesturing to his Clan. "Part of me wants to make some joke about how Patchwind is finally 'one with the dirt', as she'd like to say-" He hears a few chuckles, with cats probably thinking back onto their former leaders common jab at her age. "-or to talk about how. _Hard_ it is to say goodbye to her."

There's murmurs of agreement from the Clan; some cats look at their paws, others to the sky, others lean on another for support.

( _"Please take care of them - the Clan will have a hard time moving on; the death of a leader is hard for all, and you need to promise me you will watch over them, Lightningpelt."_ )

Lightingstar's whiskers twitch; he feels as though he _needs_ to say something, needs to elevate their sadness - he remembers his grandmother's burial, moons ago, when Patchwind had made an effort to ask for stories, for kind words to be spoken about Poppyflower - _to help us remember good times rather than the sadness we feel_.

He blinks, taking a deep breath and winging it, blurting out: "I remember when I was an apprentice," he finds himself saying, voice quiet at first; Russetshade gives him a strange look from where she's sat next to him, whiskers twitching. "Patch...wind had told me that she gave me my first mentor, Elmpelt, because I was such a wildfire, in her words, and she 'needed to give 'ole Elmpelt an exciting last apprentice before he retired'."

Bringing up his first mentor hurts; he thinks of the old, gentle tabby then, Elmpelt's kind face appearing in his mind as he says his name again.

He searches the crowd quickly, seeing Elmpelt's son - his only surviving kit, Lightningstar remembers - staring at his paws, nodding slowly.

The rest of the Clan seems a little shocked by the story, but some murmur agreements; Lightningstar unmistakably hears his mother say:

"You _were_ a wild apprentice, she knew that," Appleclaw tells him, narrowing her eyes teasingly at him. She's still leaning against Waspcloud's shoulder; Lightningstar feels a little more comforted, seeing his parents there supporting him. "Elmpelt was the only warrior who had the patience for you."

Elmpelt's son, Ivyfur, looks up from where he is, leaning against his mate; he blinks soft amber eyes, and nods along with Appleclaw's words.

"He really was patient," he says, flicking his tail-tip. "He told me once that Patchwind wanted him to be her deputy at one point; he said no in favor of Dustheart becoming deputy - he said that he just wanted to retire in a lavender meadow and bask in the sun."

Lightningstar's heart aches at the memory; he can remember Elmpelt saying so as though it were only yesterday, his former mentor's soft, low voice buzzing through his ears. _After you become a warrior, it's going to be a comfortable retirement for me,_ He can even remember the fond twitch of Elmpelt's drooping whiskers, if he thinks hard enough. _I can't wait to bask in a lavender meadow, with my grandkits visitin' me for stories._

The ache in his heart gets heavier when he realizes that Elmpelt wasn't able to see Otterstream, one of his grandkits, birth; he'd died before than had happened, and Lightningstar looks at his paws for a moment.

"Brightleaf," Russetshade's voice sounds from Lightningstar's side, and he jolts; he looks at the ginger molly, blinking down at her as she clears her throat. "told me that Patchwind had a hard birth with her; that it was a miracle that her and her mate, Bluefeather, had her - she was old at that point, but…" Russetshade seems uncomfortable; Lightningstar realizes that it was probably odd for the molly, to comment on something so intimate and emotional. "I just, uh….thought. That would be nice to mention."

Lightningstar gives her a soft bump with his shoulder, a small gesture to let her know that she did fine; some cats murmur their agreement.

"Ah, Bluefeather was a funny tom," Aldercloud pipes up suddenly, voice low and shaky from his age. "Remember him from my kithood - joined us when he was older in years, was surprised he 'n Patchwind were able to have Brightleaf!"

"Pa, you probably can remember when the Whispering Willow grew," Waspcloud jokes fondly, reaching over to butt heads with his father affectionately. "You're about as old as Patchwind." It's a joke - no cat is as old as Patchwind had become.

Lightningstar can't help but smile affectionately at his father and grandfather, even as Aldercloud nips Waspcloud's nose lightly - " _Bah_ , you've always been cheeky, messin' with your old tom!" - and lets his gaze slowly sweep over the rest of the Clan.

BrackenClan seems to be a little more comfortable, pulled out of their silent grief; he feels his heart swell with pride for a moment, not just for the Clan, but for himself too, in a way. He can't help but feel a rush of excitement as he realizes that he had helped the Clan feel better, despite their massive loss.

Leopardpaw suddenly shifts, looking up at Sootwhisker and then over at Patchwind's body, covered elegantly in her burial flowers.

"I didn't….I guess I don't have a lot of Patchwind stories," Leopardpaw begins, pressing into her twin sister, Robinpaw. "But she was a really nice molly; she told Robinpaw and I a lot of stories about our Dad."

While others murmur their agreements, Lightningstar can't help but feel a more twisted jab of grief than the one he had felt before at the mention of Elmpelt - it was different, more raw, a lot newer of a wound. He catches the eye of his parents, who momentarily look off-put at the mention of Leopardpaw and Robinpaw's father; of Beestrike, who leans a little more against Sorrelnose; and of Sootwhisker, who bends to give their daughter's ears a lick, but whose hazel eyes shine with a fresh look of grief.

"She told us about how he almost didn't become a warrior on time, because he'd fallen in a ditch and hurt his shoulder really bad trying to impress Sootwhisker," Robinpaw murmurs, shyly looking up at her parent; Sootwhisker smiles, touching noses with her, even though Lightningstar can see the pain in Sootwhisker's face.

A few more stories about Patchwind are shared; some talk about what they knew of her younger life, stories passed down from her or from others who knew her, others talk about more personal stories, until Russetshade finally stands, signaling that it's time to bury her.

Lightningstar helps gently lower Patchwind into the hole dug for her; Ivyfur and Beestrike help, with Ivyfur nosing Patchwind's cheek as they finally lay her at the bottom. Lightningstar tries to adjust her to look like she's sleeping; he tucks her legs under her and makes sure her tail is curled neatly against her flank, nosing her stiff body one last time.

As per custom, each Clan member pushes dirt onto her, one by one, in a last goodbye; Lightningstar goes first, gently pushing a small amount of dirt onto Patchwind and murmuring a soft _goodbye_ \- it's all he can think to say, he has no last minute speech or words. Everything he can think to say has either been said already, or cannot be said in a crowd.

He watches as others come to pay their last respects; the younger members of the Clan - the apprentices who came, some of the newest warriors - don't have much to say other than a 'thanks for being a nice leader' before helping to bury her. Older members stay a little longer; Ivyfur stays for a while, thanking Patchwind for the chances she gave to his family; Russetshade has a moment where she adds a marigold flower into the dirt before piling more on, murmuring how she knew it was Patchwind's favorite flower.

Finally, the Clan finishes; although she is not fully buried, it's custom for some to stay behind to finish her burial process - while the younger members of the Clan leave, and those who have duties to return to or who need to rest after a long day, Lightningstar and a few others stay to make sure Patchwind's grave is finished and blessed one last time.

* * *

"Do you need help with anything?" A soft voice stirs Lightningstar out of his thoughts; he's been gathering the courage to walk up the trail and into the leaders den, but he couldn't find the will just yet. He looks over at Sootwhisker, whose hazel eyes gleam curiously at him. "I noticed you haven't moved into the leaders den yet."

Lightningstar gives them a soft chuckle, flicking his tail-tip. "I'm doing what I call _stalling_ ," he tells them, giving the black cat's nose a bump with his own. "It's uh. You know- it's weird to move dens again. Really...bizarre."

Sootwhisker nods. "Yeah, I imagine it would be," they tell him, looking through the soft grass of BrackenClan's camp, eyes gazing at the trail that twists into the secluded den. "Have you…." they trail off, and Lightingstar feels cold when he thinks about what they might ask - he doesn't _want_ to have this conversation, not yet.

"...decided who you'll choose as deputy? You have a few hours before sundown, I reckon."

"Oh," Lightningstar can't help but blurt, sighing in relief; he thought this conversation would head in a much more sad, uncomfortable direct, and he shifts his paws. "I mean- yeah, sort of? There's a few cats I had in mind."

Sootwhisker's eyes gleam playfully. "Don't tell me I'm one of them," Lightningstar doesn't know whether they're being serious or not, until they say: "I can't imagine that me and you leading this Clan together would be a good thing."

He chuckles; he's always felt comfortable around Sootwhisker, as they were a sweet cat who always remained honest.

"Well, I'll be honest; I _did_ have a few other candidates in mind," he tells them gently, hoping to not upset them; this was a huge decision for him, and the prospect of having a close friend as his deputy is nice - but he remembers that Sootwhisker can get overwhelmed easily, that they never showed interest in any position other than a warrior, and he knows it'd be wrong to elect them deputy. "So I think BrackenClan will be safe for another few moons."

They chuckle; they look a little more at ease than they did at Patchwind's burial, and they nose Lightningstar's shoulder. "Alright, alright - so who are you thinking of, if I can ask?"

Lightningstar looks around; he blinks, drawing his tail over his paws. There's not many cats around them - a patrol was sent out earlier, and most of the Clan is resting from the long day.

"I could use some help," he murmurs, twitching his whiskers. "I was thinking….of either Sleetdapple, Wrenfoot, or Ivyfur. I know they're all older cats, but Sleetdapple is uh...well she's wise, and Wrenfoot's really nice, and- well Ivyfur's always been a big help to me, and-"

Sootwhisker sighs, but it is not unkind; they look at him with slightly troubled hazel eyes. "Lightningstar, you can't just choose a deputy on what you _think_ they're like," they tell him softly. "Sleetdapple is wise and she knows what she's doing, but she's also old; she wants to retire soon, and she'd only be your deputy for maybe a few more moons before she retired. And Wrenfoot _is_ nice, but he's also as skittish as a rabbit - you say _boo_ behind him, and he flies into an oak tree for cover."

Lightingstar's whiskers droop; they're absolutely right, but the sting he feels on being _so confused_ and not knowing his Clanmates as well as he wants to hurts more.

"I didn't think of that," he offers, although he knows that they very obviously can see that he wasn't thinking of those cats in that extensive of detail.

"And that's why I'm here, to help you," they tell him, whiskers twitching. "I can't make you decide anything - you have to choose this on your own, but I _know you_ , and I know you have a hard time choosing when it comes to things like this."

He frowns. "You're right," is all he can say, sighing again.

They twitch their whiskers. "I think Ivyfur might be a good choice, though," they tell him, nodding. "He's a good cat; he's a father, so he's learnt to be patient and has that protective instinct, and he's had a few apprentices before. He's also got that whole…..noble thing to him too; I think he's a good cat to consider."

Lightingstar nods, suddenly feeling a little more at ease - _finally_ he has a good idea! "Yeah! That's what I was thinking; he's also Elmpelt's son, and I think….," He looks at his paws. "Well, asking Ivyfur to be my deputy might be the least I can do, to repay Elmpelt for everything he did for me when I was an apprentice. And I mentored Otterstream - Ivyfur and I have been close ever since then, and Otterstream's like a sister to me - I know his family well."

Sootwhisker looks like they want to say something, and for a moment Lightningstar thinks they'll chastise him for choosing a deputy based on emotion - but they don't. They frown, looking at their paws for a moment, before glancing up at him again.

"Can I ask you something?" they ask, voice quiet.

Lightningstar flicks his ear in confusion. "Uh, sure," he says, not sure where they're going with this; they frown.

"Did you see him?"

Lightningstar suddenly feels a twist in his gut again; he's not mad at them, he couldn't be, but he knew they were going to ask this eventually - he doesn't _blame_ them, but still-

"I can't talk about the ceremony, Sootwhisker," he murmurs softly, ears flattening. "I'm sorry."

They twitch their nose at him, eyes wide and pleading. "I just-" they start, their voice uncharastically taunt and sad. "Does he look good, Lightingstar? Is….did Foxstorm mention me? The girls?"

Lightingstar's throat tightens at the mention of his brothers name; he gets to his paws, sighing apologetically at Sootwhisker.

"I'm sorry," he says seriously, wanting more than _anything_ to be able to tell Sootwhisker about their mate. "I wish I could, but. I can't, you know I would if I could."

Sootwhisker shuts their eyes, nodding slowly. "You're right. I'm sorry."

He touches his nose to their forehead; they don't pull away, but they're stiff, and he tries catching their eye again.

"I'll see you at moonhigh, I promise. Thank you for the advice; I needed it."

They just nod, and Lightningstar doesn't even think about Patchwind as he pads up to her former den.

* * *

There wasn't much Lightningstar needed to do to Patchwind's old den; some cats already took care of removing her old bedding for him and replaced it with fresh moss, and anything personal that had belonged to Patchwind - an old jay feather that she said reminded her of her mate, Bluefeather, some dead marigold flowers given to her by her daughter - were buried with her.

Lightingstar spends the next few hours sitting in his new den, trying his best to think in a straight line and not waver. He doesn't want to think about Patchwind, about Sootwhisker's pleading voice, about Foxstorm - he wants to finalize his choice for deputy and make the announcement on time.

He keeps thinking on Ivyfur whenever he attempts to think of who he would want to serve alongside as leader; Ivyfur is a wise cat, noble, kind, courageous - he has every quality that cats ramble about when talking about what a leader should be. He's a rather simple tom, Lightningstar thinks, and he already has had kits and apprentices - he must be patient in the very least.

The moon is beginning to rise, with night falling over the camp; Lightningstar realizes that he should finalize his choice now, and he's not comfortable or sure of any option other than Ivyfur.

Sorrelnose is a sweet cat, but she's also quite sensitive, a little skittish - she would probably _faint_ at the idea of being deputy. Beestrike would be a good choice, but she also doesn't have the desire to be leader and she'd probably cuff him over the ear for asking her to be deputy and giving her so much sudden responsibility. His parents are older, and Appleclaw is much too impulsive to make calm decisions - many of his mother's solutions to issues are _attack them_ and _claw them_ ; Waspcloud is far too easy going for political manners.

Ivyfur seems to be the best option - and as he told Sootwhisker...he feels as though he owes it to Elmpelt, for everything Elmpelt had to go through as Lightningstar's mentor - it may be a bit unwise to choose a deputy based off of a feeling of obligation, but.

Lightningstar has never been one to exactly follow expectations or make completely level-headed decisions, anyway.

The Clan gathers almost immediately under the Tallrock as soon as Lightningstar climbs up it; Patchwind had always made it look so effortless, but it took him a few tries until he could really scale it. The Clan's eyes glow back at him as they all wonder who will become their next deputy; he takes a deep breath, daunted by the height he's at and the _power_ he feels as he sits up here, addressing his Clan.

Lightningstar clears his throat, almost on instinct; his tail-tip twitches as nervousness bubbles in his chest - he tries not to make eye contact with any cat, _especially_ not Ivyfur, and blinks warmly at BrackenClan.

"I've been thinking a lot about who I'd choose as deputy," he begins, feeling awkward - while his speech at Patchwind's pre-burial ceremony was rehearsed, an old ceremony performed by cats before him, he has _no_ idea how to properly construct a Clan meeting. "And...it wasn't easy, we have a lot of really good and courageous cats in our Clan,"

Some cats look around a little awkwardly, as though not sure what to make of his speech; he finds himself fumbling a little.

"And if you're not chosen, don't….feel as though I don't notice you-" He's losing the plot, he's acting sorta dumb, and he clears his throat again. "Anyways. I need a cat who will help me - help BrackenClan - rise above…,everything, to help guide our Clan through our loss and help us to a smooth recovery."

He has _no_ idea if any of that made sense.

Twitching his whiskers, he thinks back onto what Patchwind had told him when she elected him as deputy: "And I would….like for Ivyfur to assist me in that. Ivyfur," he gestures to the older black tomcat, whose amber eyes glow with surprise. "if you would like to, I'd be honored to have you as my deputy."

Ivyfur is silent for a heartbeat, before the tom bows his head; whiskers twitching. "I would be honored, Lightningstar." He looks back at him, eyes warm and excited - Lightningstar can't help but feel warmth flourish in his chest, pleased at his choice. "Thank you for giving me this opportunity, I won't let-" Ivyfur's eyes trail over the cats around him, who are purring in glee. "- _any_ of you down."

The Clan cheers for the tom afterwards; Otterstream is nuzzling her father's face, green eyes shining with pride, while Ivyfur's mate, Deerspring, purrs, giving his cheek a lick.

Lightingstar sighs and smiles as the Clan congratulates their new deputy; he catches Sootwhisker's eye, to see the black cat smiling and giving him a dip of their head to voice their agreement for his choice.

 _Am I doing okay so far, Patchwind?_ He can't help but look to the stars, tail curling over his paws. _Elmpelt? ...Foxstorm? I promised you all I'd do my best for this Clan - I hope I'm doing right by all of you._

The twinkling of the stars above voice everything that words cannot.


	3. unabating

**a/n: ive been having a hard few days, so putting this chapter out was a bit of a hard thing for me to do - i managed, though, and i hope you enjoy!**

* * *

 **c** _ontinued._

IVYFUR PROVES TO BE A wonderful help to BrackenClan, just as Lightningstar prayed he would be; in the days that follow his promotion, the black tomcat organizes patrol without having to consult Lightningstar, helps warriors do repairs on den extensions or fixing camp walls, and sees to making sure that the fresh-kill pile is stocked.

Lightingstar is almost jealous; he wasn't _nearly_ as efficient when Patchwind had made him deputy - he constantly stumbled over who was on patrol, who didn't take a patrol that day, who needed rest - but Ivyfur does not falter, and hardly needs his help.

"Wrenfoot, Waspcloud, and Deerspring - you can go to the edge of the territory today, but be careful; there's been some scents of a fox in that area. It's an old trail, but it's never wrong to be cautious," Ivyfur murmurs one afternoon, giving the three warriors a nod and touching noses with Deerspring, his mate, before sending them off to their hunting patrol.

Lightingstar's tail-tip twitches as he watches the interaction, before gazing over to the rest of his Clan; cats mingle about, some talking with each other, some basking in the faint sunlight seeping through the tree canopies overhead. Apprentices tussle outside of their dens, and one of the Clan's newest litters peeks out of the nursery for what Lightningstar thinks is the first time in their life.

He can't help but beam at the tiny faces peering out at the rest of the camp; he remembers being that young, nestled into Waspcloud's belly with Beekit and Foxkit at his sides. He was the runt of the litter according to his father; he and Appleclaw always fondly told him that his brother and sister had nipped at him whenever he tried to feed, and he'd developed a habit of sitting on top of them so he could get milk without them bothering him.

A twinge of pain goes through his chest when he thinks of his brother; he should be used to it by now, should already know the feeling of guilt and sadness that always accompanies memories of Foxstorm, but…

He twitches his whiskers, deciding to go over to see the kittens - Patchwind had always made an effort to see kits when they were born. She had told him it had something to do with learning about the cats in your care and about being able to get a feel for warrior names-

( _"I knew your sister would have a name like -strike when I met her as a kitten; she's always been quick to think, a fighter. You sense these things as a leader."_

" _Did my warrior name come to you? Was I always going to be a Lightingpelt?"_

" _No, your name was harder for me to decide. To be honest, I only knew what I would name you halfway through your apprenticeship."_ )

Lightningstar gets to his paw, smiling cheerfully; he nods to some of the warriors that pass him, and weaves his way over to the nursery, bowing his head respectively to their nursing father.

The small, fluffy tortoiseshell smiles warmly at Lightningstar, bowing his head to him - his tail is curled over his dappled paws. Lightingstar settles down a few whisker lengths from the nursing cat and watches as three tiny, four moon old kittens peer curiously at him from behind their father.

Cherrytuft laughs softly at the kittens. "Say hello to Lightningstar - he's our leader, and I've taught you how to make a proper bow."

The three kittens look up at Lightningstar nervously with wide kit-blue eyes; one of them, a torbie molly, finally pads from Cherrytuft's side.

"Hello," she mumbles, bowing her head to Lightingstar; he can't help but smile ear to ear as he sees her peek up at him shyly, as though worried she'd done something _wrong_ \- but how could a kitten do anything wrong?

"Hello, dear, and what's your name?" Lightningstar asks quietly, lowering onto his belly as to not intimidate the kittens - he remembers what it was like at their age, being nervous of every cat bigger than him. "You have such nice manners!"

The kitten giggles, presses her nose into her paws shyly - Lightningstar purrs at her. He absolutely _adores_ kittens, and still would love to have a litter of his own, when his duties become easier to manage.

"This little sweetie is Newtkit," Cherrytuft answers, bending down to lick his daughters ears gently. "She's not as shy as her brother and sister - you have to forgive them, first time out of the nursery and all."

Lightningstar beams. "I could _never_ be mad at them - kittens are wonderful."

Another torbie molly - this one having more tabby patches on her dappled coat than Newtkit - finally pads over, seemingly gaining her courage.

"I'm Lizardkit," she says, bowing her head in the same manner her sister did. "And Owlkit's really shy - he even hides from our Papa when he visits us."

Lightningstar chuckles, splaying his hind legs out behind him and laying down comfortably. "Hello there, Lizardkit!" he chirps, causing her to giggle. "And I can't say I blame Owlkit," he says, gesturing to the tiny, wide-eyed brown tabby kitten hiding underneath Cherrytuft's tail. "because Mudfang _can_ be rather scary - he sees everything, you know."

It's mostly a joke, even though Lightningstar can _seriously_ believe that Mudfang sees everything - ever since he was an apprentice, Mudfang had been able to catch every younger member of the Clan doing something they definitely _should not_ have been doing. Whether it was catching Lightningstar - a 'paw at the time - sleeping when he should have been helping the elders, or chiding younger warriors to do their patrols, he most _definitely_ has eyes on the back of his head.

Newtkit nods, giggling into her paws again. "Yeah!" is all she says, stubby tail twitching excitedly.

Lizardkit weaves around her sister, batting her ears playfully; Newtkit lets out a tiny growl, jumping on her littermates back and wrestling with her. Lightningstar is hardly offended - kittens have a short attention span, and they often will start playing mid conversation.

He watches them for a bit, before sitting himself up again; Owlkit is still hiding under Cherrytuft's tail, peeking out at his littermates.

"I haven't been able to tell you congratulations, by the way," Cherrytuft says suddenly, blinking slowly. "I know it's- well, it's a little bit bittersweet of a congratulations, but. I've been so busy with the kittens and everything - I hardly even _knew_ Patchwind was nearing….you know." Cherrytuft sounds sad, and Lightningstar gives the small tomcat a nudge with his nose.

"It's alright," he murmurs. "She was old; there's not much you can do about those things."

Cherrytuft sighs. "Yeah," He bends down to lick Owlkit's head, and gives Lightningstar a weak smile. "But Ivyfur was a good choice for deputy - he seems like he's really fitting into the role."

Lightningstar can't help but chuckle. "Better than I ever did!" he purrs, thinking back onto his first day as deputy - how he had put Wrenfoot on two patrols by accident, had forgotten to give Deerspring a patrol for a whole week before she tentatively mentioned it.

Cherrytuft laughs. "Well, you were a little bit of an airhead; can't blame you for giving me hunting patrols all the time when I'm the worst hunter in the Clan, or for asking Sorrelnose if she could help me - _because your brother seems to be frustrated, is it because of me, please ask him I don't want him to hate me_."

Lightningstar flattens his ears at the memory. "Listen. I was...an airhead."

Cherrytuft gives him a soft nip on the shoulder to let him know he's joking; Lightningstar laughs lightheartedly at it.

Lightningstar hears the kittens mew excitedly, and he looks over to see Robinpaw padding over to the exploring litter; his niece purrs, wiggling onto her belly and cooing at the kittens.

"Why, hello there!" she meows, hazel eyes glowing warmly at the little kittens. "Is it your first time outside of the nursery?" she asks, glancing between the kits.

Newtkit nods wordlessly, while Lizardkit sniffs Robinpaw's flank cautiously; the apprentice just purrs at the kittens, eyeing them both gleefully.

"Well, it's not _that_ scary out here," Robinpaw meows, twitching her nose in a way that reminds Lightningstar immediately of her father. "Unless you stick your nose into Russetshade's den and mess up her herb stocks - _that_ can be a little scary."

Lizardkit purrs, taking one of her paws and climbing up Robinpaw's side - without saying much more of anything, the torbie molly scales up Robinpaw's back, with Newtkit trying to follow in suit.

Cherrytuft purrs loudly from Lightingstar's side, nudging Owlkit out of his hiding spot with a gentle touch of his nose. "They've taken quite a liking to you already," the dappled tom comments, whiskers twitching happily. "You must have something about you."

Robinpaw just grins. "I _love_ kits - me and Leopardpaw hardly had any other kits to play with, so I have to make up for lonely nursery days somehow."

Lightningstar can't help but smile wistfully, unintentionally thinking back to his own kithood - when all he and his littermates did was try and coax Cherrykit and Sorrelkit to play, getting into trouble with Russetshade, and constantly bicker; memories of Foxstorm start to become more and more hard to dodge.

( _"What did you want to name me, Patchstar? You said Beestrike and Foxstorm were easy to choose, but…"_

" _I always thought you'd be a -cloud, like your father and grandfather, or perhaps even a -storm like your brother; I only changed my name after Elmpelt's death."_

" _...oh."_

" _He meant a lot to you, as do all mentors to your apprentices; there is no shame in naming a warrior after another, Lightningpelt. Remember that."_ )

He gives Cherrytuft a friendly butt of his head again, and nuzzles Robinpaw affectionately as he passes, but he excuses himself to go and be alone for a moment.

* * *

The Gathering approaches as days pass; Lightningstar almost forgets about it entirely until Ivyfur mentions it one morning over fresh-kill.

"...but the Gathering is coming up, and I wanted to make sure the Clan is prepared for how the other Clans will react to Patchwind's passing."

Lightningstar almost chokes on their shared rabbit. "O-oh. Right. Yes!"

Ivyfur eyes him. "You forgot,"

Lightningstar huffs, almost annoyed - why did _every_ cat…. "Am I that easy to read?" he can't help but mumble, looking down at the rabbit. "How does everyone _know_ -"

"You have a tell," Ivyfur purrs, tail-tip twitching. "You start laughing and twitching your nose whenever you're lying."

Lightingstar can't help but put a paw over his nose out of annoyance. "...great."

Ivyfur takes another bite out of the rabbit; his deputy chews it thoughtfully for a moment before saying: "But regardless - I want to make sure the Clan isn't….shocked, if the other Clans start prodding or. Saying things, as they do."

Lightningstar's ears twitching. "Saying things?"

Ivyfur frowns. "The same things they were saying when you were made deputy," he murmurs in a gentle, apologetic voice; he looks sad to even mention it, but Lightningstar knows _exactly_ what he means.

"Ah," is all he can say, sighing. "I still don't get Crowstar was so annoyed with me for asking about his age, though." He thinks back onto the MossClan leaders annoyed face, holding back a laugh. "I mean….sure, _kind of_ rude, but his deputy at the time did ask me if I had just come out of the nursery, so I thought the joke back was appropriate."

Ivyfur does look amused, despite his huffings. "You can't just _ask_ a leader if they're as old as dirt, Lightningstar," he murmurs back, amber eyes glittering. "But point taken - Mouseshadow was a bit of a snippy old fellow."

Lightningstar nods, thinking back on his interaction with the small brown tabby - thankfully, the jabs at Lightningstar had gotten easier at each passing Gathering, with cats probably getting over their "hazing", as Patchwind had called it.

( _"They always do that, Lightningpelt, don't worry much about it; they did the same to Dustheart when he became my deputy, and I was even younger than_ you _when I became deputy - you've been a warrior for more than a year, they need to get over their personal beliefs."_ )

Ivyfur's voice pulls him out of his thoughts: "Have you thought of who you'd ask to come with you?"

Lightningstar twitches his whiskers; the choices didn't seem _that_ hard to make. "Well - obviously you and Russetshade," he murmurs, with Ivyfur twitching his whiskers in amusement. "Appleclaw, Waspcloud, Beestrike….Sorrelnose…...definitely Deerspring and Sleetdapple, Adderstripe and Eagleflight would be _begging_ to go, and Mudfang too I think…"

Ivyfur nods, flicking his ear. "Honestly, _any_ cat old enough can really go," he tells him. "The only thing to worry about is who goes to almost every Gathering, who doesn't, and who should stay in camp due to their best interests at heart."

Lightningstar nods. "Right, right, yes of course," he murmurs, only half thinking on what he's saying - he's trying to go through the list of warriors, doing his best to remember _who_ has gone to every Gathering, who hasn't, etcetera etcetera.

Ivyfur purrs again, and it goes without saying that he catches on to the fact that Lightningstar is getting lost in his thoughts again.

They eat the rest of their rabbit in relatively silence; Lightningstar has always felt comfortable around Ivyfur, ever since he was a 'paw. Elmpelt had often asked Ivyfur to help him train Lightingstar, and he can't help but look at Ivyfur like an older brother, almost. The black tomcat may be seasons older than him, but he really is a kind and simple cat.

"How's Otterstream doing?" Lightningstar asks, thinking back on the little brown tabby; he hasn't seen her in awhile.

Ivyfur twitches his whiskers at the mention of his daughter; there's a warm glow that appears in his eyes that Lightningstar can't help but find endearing.

"She's alright," Ivyfur purrs, tail-tip twitching. "She's been worried about you; always asks if I'll make sure you're not worrying over everything too much. She cares an awful lot about you."

Lightningstar purrs, thinking back onto his former apprentice - she was a pawful and a half to train, but their combined excitableness and lack of attention span made for a perfect duo. She's always been someone he cares for greatly, just like he would to a sibling; he supposes that to many, the relationship between a mentor and an apprentice is one of the strongest in the Clan.

"I'm glad she still cares for her old mentor," he can't help but sigh, whiskers twitching. "And she'd probably love to come to the Gathering tonight, right?"

Ivyfur chuckles, getting to his paws to begin burying the finished rabbit; Lightningstar watches him dig the dirt gently before pushing the rabbit carcass inside.

"She'd probably claw both of our whiskers off if we let Adderstripe come without her," the tom chuckles, and then suddenly pauses, sighs, as though he just said something he shouldn't have.

And he probably _shouldn't_ have, because Lightningstar can't help but beam, curling his tail against his belly as he purrs.

" _Adderstripe?_ " he chirps, getting to his paws. "Wait, Ivyfur, does Otterstream have a crush on-"

"She would claw me if I told you," he says, shaking his head. "So pretend you. Didn't hear it from me, don't even _mention_ it to-"

"I _won't_ ," Lightningstar says, tail-flicking. "But that's…..cute, I can't believe Otterstream likes-"

Ivyfur shushes him, pointedly looking around; Lightningstar shuts his mouth, suddenly understanding what his deputy was hinting at.

"Right, sorry, but-"

"Drop it, I wasn't supposed to say anything."

"- _fine_ but….that's adorable."

"It _is_ , but we are pretending like I didn't say anything."

* * *

The Gathering comes in a flash, almost literally; there's actual lightning streaking across the sky, and Russetshade had mentioned how it could possibly rain later on - the Gathering would probably end up being a short one that night.

"Do you think it's an omen?" Sorrelnose asks Russetshade as the accompanying BrackenClan cats make their way to the Gathering Hollow; the dappled molly has wide amber eyes as she looks at the medicine cat. "Like…..StarClan's way of….mentioning Lightningstar? Or something?"

Russetshade huffs; the ginger tabby shakes her head. "I don't believe in omens," she tells the other cat, shrugging her shoulders. "Or at least in omens so simple - StarClan doesn't just send them out for anything, you know. Certainly not for a new leader - it's just the weather."

Lightningstar can't help but frown. "Aww, I liked feeling special for those few minutes," he can't help but murmur, to which Sorrelnose chirps _you are special, Lightningstar_.

Russetshade frowns. "Do you think StarClan sends out signs for just about anything? Whenever they get _bored_?"

Lightningstar shrugs his shoulders. "I don't think about that much - but have you ever….like gotten a prophecy?"

Russetshade rolls her eyes. " _Prophecies._ Those are far and few between - I don't think my mentor ever received one, or the one before her. They're not that common."

Suddenly, a small brown tabby pads to Russetshade's other side; his orange eyes gleam, and his spiked up fur is rising even more with excitement.

"What else could StarClan even do up there, though?" he asks, voice full of wonder. "I mean it _has_ to be boring, being….dead and all up there for years and years."

Sorrelnose gasps. " _Eagleflight_ , you can't just…. _say_ that."

Eagleflight smirks, whiskers twitching. "Maybe if StarClan is annoyed enough at me, we'll get an omen about it, or a prophecy, and-"

Russetshade growls while Sorrelnose gasps again; Russetshade pads ahead, moving closer to Lightningstar's side.

"I can't listen to anymore of this nonsense," she says, although Lightningstar _thinks_ he can hear a purr in her voice.

It doesn't take much longer for the Clan to reach the Gathering Hollow; Lightningstar can't help but tremble as he leads the way, the scents of the other three Clans becoming more and more apparent - he should be used to this, in a way he _is_ used to this, but tonight is….different. More raw.

A flash of lightning silently scratches overhead; it's distant, just a thin light in the inky purple sky, but Lightningstar still pricks his ears to hear the thunder that usually accompanies - there is no rumbling to be heard.

As the Clan slinks into the Gathering Hollow, cats from all Clans meowing and calling to them, some padding over to meet the arriving BrackenClan cats - Lightningstar can't help but purr, joining his warriors without a thought.

He glances over to the massive rock where only a moon before, Patchwind had sat with the other three Clan leaders - none of them are sitting on it now, and he supposes it means that they probably have joined in on speaking with cats from other Clans. It's only once in a moon, after all, and Lightningstar has always excelled in making friends and talking at Gatherings.

(He tries to swallow his overwhelming _nervousness_ at the concept of speaking for the very first time as a leader - he needs these few minutes before the Gathering, to just...talk, to perhaps meet with some other warriors, get reacquainted with some of his friends from other Clans.)

A meow stops him in his tracks; he almost loses himself in the crowd, thinking too heavily on his worries and doubts - when the voice pulls him back, and Lightningstar's face immediately splits into a grin.

"Lightningpelt, over here!" the voice calls; it's far too loud for a normal shout, and some cats around can't help but turn and hiss at the over excited molly. "Lightningpelt!"

He purrs, despite the sad feeling he gets when he hears his warrior name being called; it's going to be _incredibly_ hard to break the news of Patchwind's death to others. It's already hard within the Clan to deal with it, but the thought of breaking the news to every cat in the valley is, well- _hard_.

He keeps the smile on his face however, padding over confidently to the silver-gray tabby who shouted his name; she's accompanied by others, most he recognizes, a few he does not.

"Minnowsplash!" he purrs, affectionately butting heads with the molly he's known since his apprentice days. "It's great to see you - feels like it's been _ages_."

The CreekClan warrior purrs, amber eyes glittering. "I _know_ , a moon really does feel like a whole season sometimes," she tells him, sighing wistfully. "But I'm so glad to see you - how has everything been? Haven't stepped on anymore thorns, have you?"

Part of him wants to say it then, to tell his friend about Patchwind's death - there's something stopping him at the moment, though, and he doesn't know what it _is_. Whether it is the feeling of politeness - to tell the other leaders first, and then announce it to the whole Gathering later - or because he doesn't want to be pitied, or…. _marveled_ at by others.

He settles for a soft: "Sadly no, but I hope you haven't had anymore issues with _water_ getting in your ears."

Minnowsplash must sense something is off, but to her credit she doesn't budge; she's always been good like that, never bothering Lightningstar about these things until it's more of a private setting.

 _Like when Elmpelt died, and Foxstorm…_ he can't help but think, ears momentarily drawing back.

The silver-gray tabby blinks at him, giving him a clear _you're lying_ look; but she doesn't voice her thoughts. Instead, she gestures to some of the other cats, and meows: "Well, you remember my brother, Pebblenose," she gestures to the smaller gray tabby next to her; Lightningstar dips his head respectfully to the tom. "And we have Fogheart, Stormstreak…." She lists off some others names, and finally stops to a small, fluffy white tomcat. "And _this_ tom - you probably haven't seen him before, StarClan _knows_ he's always late to Gatherings, some say he _never_ shows-"

"Minnowsplash, I was _sick_ -"

"-is SnowClan's smallest warrior, Littletuft!"

The tiny white tom sighs; his tail-tip twitches, and he looks at Minnowsplash with slightly irritated green eyes.

"I _told_ you, I've been sick!"

Minnowsplash laughs. "How can you have been sick for so long?"

The tiny tomcat sighs, kneading his paws in frustration. "It's- it was a bad cold, we're called _SnowClan_ for a reason. I got really bad greencough, and I'm not the _biggest_ warrior, if you didn't realize."

Minnowsplash flicks her tail-tip, clearly amused by the little tomcat; she takes no heed to his obvious temper, and Lightningstar watches the interaction fondly, happy to have the attention taken off of himself.

Stormstreak laughs from her spot next to Pebblenose; she quite literally puts her muzzle between the tom's ears, tall enough to rest her chin on the top of his head. Pebblenose says nothing and only lets out a sigh; it's clear that the small tom is used to it.

"Ah, Minnow, lay off the 'lil guy," the molly says, green eyes twinkling. She twitches her whiskers in a joking manner, gray tabby tail twitching back and forth. "He had to be cooped up in SnowClan's medicine cat den for like….six moons? Five moons? Poor kid."

Littletuft's ears flatten, and he sticks his nose up. "I'm about the same age as Minnowsplash - _not_ a kid."

"Eh, Minnowsplash is pretty young herself, so."

"Hey!"

Lightningstar chuckles a little, watching the CreekClan warriors interact so freely with the small SnowClan tom - this was his favorite part about Gatherings, paws down. Free to talk with other warriors, free to interact and to have _fun_ \- it's rare for the Clans, and Lightningstar can't help but relish in it.

Fogheart yawns; the older gray tom looks between his younger Clanmates, flicking Stormstreak with his tail.

"Stop your bickering; your two are the chattiest cats in CreekClan."

Minnowsplash twitches her whiskers. "I _resent_ that."

The CreekClan warriors start to bicker among themselves in a fond, lighthearted manner; Lightningstar's thoughts drift back onto his own Clan without him meaning to - of Beestrike and Foxstorm, and how _excited_ he'd been for his own first Gathering. Of bouncing at Elmpelt's side, purring at his mentor and bolting ahead of him without warning - of Appleclaw and Waspcloud, amused with their kits antics.

"...so you're Lightingpelt," Lightningstar is brought of his revere when he hears Littletuft speak; he blinks, looking down at the tiny tomcat.

Littletuft merely stares back up at him, head cocked to the side; he looks like he's surveying him, trying to piece him together wordlessly. It reminds Lightingstar of Beestrike, in a way; his sister picks up on the tiniest of changes in a cat's expression in an instant - it's almost terrifying how perceptive she is.

Lightningstar finches a little at the use of his warrior name; he looks around, seeing that Minnowsplash, Fogheart, Pebblenose, and Stormstreak are all preoccupied at the moment - he blinks, turning back to look down at Littletuft.

"...Lightningstar, now," he murmurs quietly, ears flattening as he looks at his feet. He curls his tail over them, golden masking the white of his paws, and he can hear Littletuft's hushed gasp.

"Oh," the tiny tom says; Lightningstar looks up at him, and watches as he glances over to the CreekClan cats, and then back at Lightningstar; he clearly can tell that Lightingstar would like to keep this quiet. "I'm sorry, I didn't see her with you all, but I didn't…."

"She was old," Lightningstar murmurs; he can finally see a familiar shape - an old tom, his face streaked with more silvery fur than the black that covers the rest of his body, and Lightningstar's ears prick.

 _I have to tell the other leaders,_ is all he thinks; he would hate to be impolite, but.

"I'm sorry, still," Littletuft murmurs, and he sounds much more soft, sincere than he had before - the snippy attitude was gone, and now replaced with genuine care. "It must be hard; I know we don't know each other well, and that we're from different Clans, but. I really give you the best of luck; it must be hard."

Lightningstar feels taken aback by the kindness in his voice; he can't help but purr at the SnowClan warrior, whiskers twitching.

"You're sweet," Lightningstar can't help but gush. "Thank you."

Littletuft smiles genuinely, and he glances at the large rock, where Lightningstar can see some of the other leaders gathering together.

Lighting star takes a quick look to where the deputies are, and sees that Ivyfur is not there yet - the black tom must be waiting for Lightningstar to speak to other leaders first before introducing himself as BrackenClan's new deputy.

"I have to go," he tells the white tom, sighing. "But- thank you, you're very kind. I can try and talk with you afterwards, if you'd like?" He asks without thinking; Littletuft looks taken aback by the offer.

Wordlessly, the tomcat nods; Lightningstar cheerfully dips his head to the SnowClan warrior, and says a quick goodbye to Minnowsplash and the other CreekClan cats - she looks at him in confusion, but he supposes that as soon as he leaves, Littletuft probably would mention Patchwind's death. It wasn't an easy thing to keep quiet about.

He weaves through the gathered cats and finds his way to where the other three leaders are sitting underneath the rock; Crowstar of MossClan, Gullstar of CreekClan; and Lilystar of SnowClan. The other leaders turn to him curiously when he pads over; it is Crowstar who is the first to ask:

"Where is Patchstar?" His voice is telling, however; it's clear from the gleam in his rheumy yellow eyes, and the tremble of his whiskers that he already knows the answer.

Lightningstar pads over, settling down near the leaders - he tries not to inch into their gathered circle; he doesn't want to intrude on them or make them uncomfortable.

Lightningstar finally murmurs: "Patch….wind died," he tells them in a soft voice; it's hard to break the news once again, especially around cats who've known her for much longer than even the current cats in her _Clan_ did. From what he knows, Gullstar and Patchwind had been leaders for almost the same amount of time - Patchwind a few years before her. Crowstar had known the molly for a long time as well, and despite Lilystar being the youngest leader after Lightningstar, even _she_ had a good professional relationship with her.

There is a somber silence between the other three cats; Gullstar murmurs to herself - _oh dear, oh dear_ \- while Crowstar bows his head mournfully; even Lilystar, despite being a quiet and reserved molly, murmurs an apology to him.

"She was a wonderful leader," Gullstar whispers to him; she's ancient, and her voice hardly carries over the voices of the other cats around them - Lightningstar strains to hear her. "My friend for many seasons; even during war, she had remained so kind, so thoughtful….oh dear, what a loss for the valley."

Crowstar twitches his whiskers. "Patchwind lead a long life," he murmurs, dipping his head. "She leaves behind a great legacy."

Lightingstar can't help but nod; it's another reminder of the fact that that he has huge pawsteps to fill, and he curls his tail over his paws again. He accepts the other leaders congratulations and some words of wisdom; Gullstar surprises him by inching closer to him.

At first, he thinks the old molly is just getting closer so she can get a better feel for him; she's blind from her age, just as Patchwind was, and he watches as her milky eyes shift around, trying to find something, _anything_ to cling to.

Finally, the molly raises a paw; Gullstar puts her paw flat on his chest, purring approvingly.

"Ah, a strong tom," she murmurs softly, whiskers twitching. Her paw touches his face, and Lightningstar sits uncomfortably as she continues to do so. "Young too! Much younger than Lilystar is - how long have you been a warrior, dear?"

"Stop touching him, Gullstar," Crowstar grumbles, leaning over to nudge the molly with his muzzle. "She does that often; you have to forgive her."

Lightningstar just gives a little laugh; she's only trying to get a feel for him, and the old molly moves her paws from his face, sitting back.

"You're going to be a fine successor," the gray-and-white molly tells him, a smile growing on her face.

Lightningstar can't help but feel a small swell in his chest - the compliment is….endearing, and for a moment, he genuinely believes her. He dips his head to her, but pauses midway in embarrassment when he realizes she cannot see his gesture. He murmurs a quiet: "Thank you, Gullstar."

"Who have you chosen as your deputy, if I may ask?" Crowstar's tail-tip twitches, and the silver furs on his face glimmer in the moonlight.

"Ivyfur," he tells the black tomcat; he glances over to where the deputies usually cluster, and sees that Ivyfur has finally made his way over - the black tom sits between Brownwhisker of MossClan and Jaystep of CreekClan; from what Lightningstar can tell, he seems to be making conversation rather well with the other deputies.

"Good choice," Lilystar murmurs; her voice sounds quiet, a little awkward, and he's reminded that the molly doesn't seem to enjoy Gatherings much - something about too many cats; Patchwind had mentioned it infrequently.

"Thank you!" Lightningstar chirps back, dipping his head to the white molly.

Finally, though, Crowstar clears his throat; he looks almost expectantly at the other leaders. "I think it's time for us to start," he tells them, and Gullstar nods, muzzle turning to the sky.

"Something tells me it might rain tonight - my whiskers can feel it."

"There has been lightning overhead," Crowstar murmurs to her; Lightningstar watches as he helps support the elderly molly as Gullstar bundles her haunches, leaping atop the Gathering Rock. "Your whiskers are probably right."

Lilystar leaps up after Gullstar; she is silent, as is common of SnowClan warriors, and Crowstar gestures for Lightningstar to go next.

He manages to leap up it almost perfectly; his paws scramble at the top, but he pulls himself up, settling down on the large, jutting rock. Much like the Tallrock in BrackenClan's camp, sitting so high up is almost daunting; he surveys the cats from each Clan. It's a rush, sitting up here, and the overwhelming sense of importance he feels almost makes him uncomfortable.

Crowstar finally settles at the top of the rock; Gullstar makes a soft noise in the back of her throat.

"Lightning, you say?"

Lilystar nods. "Yes."

Gullstar's milky amber eyes widen. "An omen, perhaps? For BrackenClan?"

Lightningstar smiles sheepishly at his paws; Lilystar frowns.

"I don't think StarClan would send us an omen about a new leader," she tells the other molly in a soft voice. "The skies have been cloudy for days now - I think we're just going to get rain."

Gullstar sighs. "You young cats never want to believe in omens anymore, it seems like," She shakes her head, but there's a smile on her face.

The crowd begins to fall silent below them; Lightningstar looks, watching as dozens of cats - of different sizes, colors, and builds - all begin to glance up at the leaders. Every set of eyes glow in the night, startling Lightningstar with the reflective shades of green, yellow, and blue peering back at him.

"You'll get used to it soon," Lilystar murmurs next to him; she gives him a soft blink, before turning back to face the crowd.

"Oldest leaders _usually_ go first," Crowstar murmurs, gesturing to Gullstar. "But due to….Patchwind's passing-" The dark-furred tom hesitates as he says it, grief clearly clinging to his pelt. "-I think allowing Lightningstar to go first would be best."

Lightningstar blinks, golden tabby fur almost standing on end; almost comedically, lightning flashes overhead, with thunder grumbling softly in the distance.

"O-oh!" he meows, dipping his head out of lack of not knowing what _else_ to do. The anxiety of speaking in front of all the Clans comes forward in waves; he shuffles his paws, nodding at Crowstar. "That's fine, thanks for the uh. The offer!"

Crowstar blinks, rheumy, yellow eyes narrowing, but he doesn't say anything else - he merely gestures for Lightningstar to take the foremost spot in the front of the rock.

Clearing his throat, he does so; Gullstar murmurs a "you'll be fine, dearie" in passing as he moves forward.

He's seen Patchwind do this countless times - mention the Clan name, talk about events that transpired over the past moon. Thinking quickly, there's not….much to report on aside from Patchwind's death. Eagleflight had caught possibly the _biggest_ rat any of them had ever seen - Adderstripe asked if they could keep it as a prize - but he thinks that that's probably not Gathering worthy.

He finally settles on: "This past moon, Patchwind passed - as many know, she was elderly and had caught a cold; she passed away peacefully in her sleep a fortnight ago. Her legacy was long, and she was probably a familiar face to all of you, even cats outside of BrackenClan-" Some cats murmur in agreement; he takes a quick glance at the gathered cats, seeing some cats bow their heads in respect for the fallen leader. "-and I'm deeply sorry to have to report her loss. I'm sure she's probably watching over us now."

From behind him, he hears Gullstar meow a soft agreement; he takes a quick look over his shoulder and sees the patched molly raising her head to the inky, cloudy sky above; even Crowstar has his head bent, and Lilystar's eyes are dim.

 _I didn't….realize Patchwind was so close to the other leaders,_ Lightningstar can't help but think as he turns back to speak again. _I mean….we were always fighting MossClan, we had that nasty battle with SnowClan where….Elmpelt died; I thought. I guess I thought it would be different, that no one would really care._

Perhaps, though, it made sense; Patchwind had known these leaders longer than she knew most of her Clan. Gullstar and Patchwind had known each other for centuries - despite battles and border skirmishes and the fact that their Clans constantly jabbed at one another….perhaps it made sense; the respect a leader must have for another must be enormous.

(Quietly, he wonders if he'll understand it one day - would he grow a deep friendship with one or all of the leaders? With their successors?)

"I've made Ivyfur my deputy; I have complete confidence in him." He gestures to the black tom sitting with the other deputies; cheers for Ivyfur's name ring out, and Lightningstar can't help but smile at the bashful way Ivyfur dips his head.

He doesn't really know how to continue after that; there's nothing more that needs to be reported of BrackenClan, no one has really _done_ anything - so he decides to end it with an: "And that's all for now; we're just trying to recover from Patchwind's death."

He steps back immediately; Lilystar nods her head at him in an approving way, to which he feels grateful.

Gullstar moves forward; she finds the foremost spot with ease, and Lightningstar feels almost in awe in the way she goes ramrod straight, sightless eyes scanning the crowd. He's always been impressed with her - she seems to be quite a taciturn and courageous leader, from what he's seen of her and knows of her.

"While CreekClan offers their condolences to BrackenClan for their extreme loss," she murmurs, gesturing to the area where Lightningstar sits. "We have some good news to report: one of our queens, Nightblossom, has given birth to a litter - their names are Ravenkit, Lavenderkit, and Juniperkit."

Yowls and purrs of congratulations for the queen ring out; Lightningstar himself almost joins in on habit, until noticing that the other leaders remained quiet. He follows in suit.

"We also had some issue with rogues earlier this moon; the city cats seem to be growing weary of our borders - we've had to chase a few out."

There are some growls and murmurs of annoyance through the Clans - Lightningstar watches as some bristle their fur, others making aggressive notions with their tails.

"I hope that they will remain on their side of the border and out of our valley." Gullstar finishes, dipping her head; she moves back from her position, and Crowstar comes forward:

"MossClan has a new medicine cat apprentice; Oakleaf has taken a new apprentice in Copperpaw, and we are all eager to see her potential be brought out."

From the place where Russetshade sits, accompanied by a few others, is a large, furry brown tabby tom; Oakleaf seems bashful about the praise that comes his way, and Lightningstar can see him turn to give the tiny tortoiseshell molly next to him a small lick on the top of her head.

Lightningstar watches as Russetshade murmurs something to the tomcat; Oakleaf gives her a jovial laugh, which Russetshade seems to sigh at.

"Other than that, we have not much to report," Crowstar murmurs, tail-tip twitching.

Lilystar moves forward silently; the other leaders inch out of the way for her, and the tall white molly clears her throat before addressing the Clans:

"SnowClan has been dealing with some foxes for the past moon; nothing too severe, but in a quick scrap with one of them, one of our former apprentices - Cloverpaw - was able to chase them off. Cloverpaw joins us tonight as Cloverclaw, and his littermate, Dovepaw, has become Dovefeather."

Cheers for the former apprentices erupt; a white tom sits next to a smaller, yet fluffier pale gray-and-white molly. They both seem bashful, but Dovefeather murmurs a loud _thank you_ that manages to carry over to the Gathering Rock.

For the first time all night, Lilystar seems humbled; she dips her head to the cheering cats, smiling softly at them. As the cheering dies down, she finally says:

"One of our warriors, Littletuft-" Lightningstar's ears prick as he hears the name, eyes searching the crowd for a tiny, white shape; amidst the other light-furred SnowClan warriors, he finally is able to spot the small warrior. "-was sick for many moons with a bad case of greencough; Palefrost was nervous that he would not make it. Littletuft pulled through, however, and now joins us once again."

Littletuft's ears are flattened with embarrassment despite the cheers for his recovery; the small tom is just nodding, clearly humbled yet overwhelmed by the praise.

Lightningstar has to hold back from cheering for the small tom himself; he smiles, though, into the crowd, hoping that Littletuft might catch his gaze. Somehow, through the crowds and the cheering around them, Littletuft does; they make eye contact, and Littletuft mouths a _help me_ at Lightningstar.

He has to stop himself from laughing; he just gives him another encouraging smile.

"And that is all we have to report," Lilystar finishes, settling back next to the other leaders.

Without much more to say, the Gathering is basically finished; Lightningstar watches as cats turn to each other and begin to speak again, getting ready to depart.

"You did splendidly!" Gullstar calls out; Lightningstar jolts, and looks to the bicolored molly. She's smiling earnestly at him, and he can't help but feel his chest swell a little at the praise. "Patchwind would be proud to see you - she would be so thankful to see BrackenClan doing so well."

Lightningstar doesn't know what to say; he murmurs out a _thank you_ to her, and the molly just smiles and nods once more.

Crowstar flicks his tail-tip. "Leadership is still a long, winding path, Lightningstar," the tom tells him, eyes narrowing. "Always remember that - our path is longer than most could ever dream of."

Lightningstar doesn't know what he means, exactly, but he takes his advice regardless; he just dips his head to the other leader. Thankfully, Lilystar doesn't say much - she nods to him, before turning and leaping down the rock, landing silently on the grass below.

"Now stop scaring the boy; help me down, Crowstar, so you can go and bother someone close to your own age," Gullstar chides; it's affectionate, though, and the blind molly leans on the tom for his guidance as they move to jump down the rock.

As they leave, Lightningstar sits on the rock for a moment, alone and with his thoughts; again he is reminded of the daunting future, of the fact that he will…..be like the other leaders, like Patchwind.

 _I'll be as old as dirt, just like how Patchwind was,_ he thinks as he slowly makes his way to the edge of the rock, leaping down. _I'll…..I mean...I haven't even_ thought _of it, but that means it's going to be hard to find like. A mate. Or to have kits._

He's trying not to think of it, to expel it from his mind; it's extremely hard, though, as his thoughts drift back onto Patchwind and the other leaders.

As he's padding forward, trying to find Ivyfur, he bumps into a fluffy body; he looks down, smiling as he sees Littletuft standing there.

"Littletuft! Congratulations, by the way, on the….uh…" He finds himself lost on what to say - does he say _congratulations on not dying?_ or _sorry you got sick for so long?_ "...for being here tonight."

Littletuft flicks his ear. "Congratulations on being…..at the Gathering?"

Lightningstar frowns. "Uh. Yes."

Littletuft chuckles, shaking his head. "You're very welcome, then. I'm glad to be at the Gathering."

Lightningstar flattens his ears. "I can get bad with words when I'm nervous, I'm sorry," he tells the small tomcat, shaking his head.

Littletuft smiles again; his tail-tip twitches, and he shrugs.

"It's like that sometimes - you're doing fine, though, don't worry so much about it."

Lightningstar smiles gratefully, and he's about to say more when he hears Lilystar's yowl ringing through the hollow; SnowClan cats begin to weave their way towards her, padding over to see the white-furred molly.

"I have to go," Littletuft murmurs, twitching his whiskers. "But it was nice meeting you; I've uh...never had a _leader_ from another Clan come up to me and speak with me so...freely, before."

Lightningstar beams. "Well, I'm not your average leader- yet."

Littletuft laughs, and nods. "I suppose so," he tells him bashfully; the small tom murmurs a goodbye and begins to follow his Clan out of the hollow.

Lightningstar watches him go; he almost leaps out of his pelt when Ivyfur pads to his side.

"Are we ready to go?" he asks, tail-tip twitching.

Lightningstar turns to where the SnowClan cats just left; he blinks, nodding his head.

"Of course. Let's go home."

* * *

 **-tuft is the best suffix in the warriors universe, paws down, no questions asked, without a doubt.**


	4. extend

**a/n: FINALLY WE GET TO SOME REAL EMOTION**

* * *

 **c** _ontinued._

IT BECOMES BIZARRELY SIMPLE TO fall into a routine; his days bleed into similar routes, and more often than not Lightningstar finds the life of a leader to be….strangely easy, now that many of his 'leader firsts', as Ivyfur calls it, are over. His first Gathering was only two weeks prior, he's conducted Clan meetings - he's been able to fall into the groove of leadership rather easily, he thinks.

It does become rather irritating that there's many things he no longer has time to do, anymore; he's missed a lot of meals with Beestrike or his parents, and he hasn't been able to spend as much time with Leopardpaw and Robinpaw as he would like to.

He supposes he'll be able to make time soon; he can trust Ivyfur with almost anything, and the Clan seems to….function on its own, really - in a cocky way, he begins to think that there's not _really_ much to leading a Clan.

The Clan seems to be able to perform their usual duties effortlessly, in his opinion - he doesn't need to tell Eagleflight and Adderstripe to stop bothering the senior warriors; other's usually are able to do it. He doesn't need to organize patrols - Ivyfur does them effortlessly.

(He wonders if perhaps the age component - living longer than all of your Clanmates, having eight additional lives - is really the only challenge to being a leader.)

Lightningstar tries to shake off his thoughts on it, though; he doesn't want to become overly arrogant - that is perhaps one of his greatest fears, becoming completely insufferable to be around.

* * *

The Clan is rather lethargic one sunny afternoon when his nieces approach him; aside from normal patrols (a little more alert now, due to catching a fresher fox scent in the area), there's not much to be done today in BrackenClan.

Lightningstar lays near the rather heaping fresh-kill pile when Leopardpaw and Robinpaw pad forward; he's chatting to Beestrike for what feels like the first time in _moons._

He's missed his sister beyond comprehension; they've always managed to be close, despite….everything.

"So, have you asked her yet?" Lightningstar asks between bites of his thrush; he eyes his littermate with a playful gleam in his eyes.

Beestrike's amber eyes narrow; the golden tabby huffs. "I've…..attempted to," she murmurs in a rather uncharacteristically bashful manner; he pricks his ears at it. "It's….well, it's. A little bit of a challenge."

Lightningstar's whiskers twitch. "Sorrelnose would probably _faint_ if you asked her to be your mate - in the best, cutest way possible, of course," he tells his sister, laughing evenly. "You've known her since kithood; she's always liked you, Bee!"

Beestrike looks around the camp, probably to see if anyone overheard; she was extremely private about her personal life. Luckily Lightningstar knows his sister like his own whiskers, and her crush on the tortoiseshell molly is no secret to him.

"Maybe," Beestrike mumbles, leaning down to take another bite of their shared thrush; he knows from her voice that she would rather not want to continue the conversation, and he nods, following in suit and taking another bite of their prey.

They've both almost completely picked the thrush clean when Leopardpaw and Robinpaw pad over; both tortoiseshells seem a little excited, and Lightningstar runs his tongue over his muzzle to clean himself.

"Hello, you two!" he chirps, reaching forward to nuzzle them both. "How are my favorite nieces doing? Anything you need?"

Leopardpaw nods; she's smiling wide, yet looks a little nervous as she twitches her whiskers at Lightningstar.

"We were just-" she begins on a shaky voice; she looks to her sister then, and Robinpaw takes carries on:

"-wondering if you could come and watch us spar?" she asks, hazel eyes wide and bright.

Lightningstar's whiskers twitch, and despite his position - he _knows_ it's normal for a leader to survey apprentices, it's one of the most common duties to perform - he can't help but feel humbled, excited for the chance; his tail-tip twitches.

"Really?" he can't help but ask, excited at the prospect.

Leopardpaw nods, whiskers twitching. "Yeah! Eagleflight and Sorrelnose wanted you to come watch us; Eagleflight says we're both getting really good at battle moves."

Lightningstar's nose twitches; he's _excited_ , truly excited for the chance to do something for his Clan. While content with the way he's been leading BrackenClan, he can't help but feel as though he's not doing _much_ for them - it's all Ivyfur, who organizes patrols and makes sure that everything is running smoothly. For once, Lightningstar wants to be able to do something to help those in his care - and spending time with his nieces is a plus.

He nods, purring. "I'd _love_ to - I'm glad Eagleflight has confidence in the both of you," he tells them, smiling. He glances to his sister; he sees Beestrike washing her chest fur, and a thought pops into his head.

"And I think Auntie Beestrike would love to come to - she's one of our best fighters, you know." He tells them, and he watches as Beestrike pauses midwash; she stares at him with wide amber eyes, and he knows that _she_ knows _exactly_ what he's hinting at.

Beestrike clears her throat. "I, uh…"

"...don't have any patrols for the day - Ivyfur is giving you time off." _Because you go on so many patrols to avoid Sorrelnose because you're as shy as a rabbit when it comes to your feelings._

She gives him a hard, narrowed glance; if their nieces weren't here, he knows that she would give him a sheathed swat over the ears.

"...fine," the molly murmurs through gritted teeth, tail-tip flicking.

Leopardpaw and Robinpaw seem all the more excited; they purr, cooing over Beestrike as the large molly gets to her paws.

"Thank you, Auntie Beestrike! Eagleflight says you're a great fighter," Leopardpaw tells her, purring rather loudly.

Robinpaw smiles, nodding as Lightningstar buries the eaten thrush; she beams up at her aunt. "And so does Sorrelnose - well, Sorrelnose talks about you a lot, but she always has really nice things to say about you!"

Beestrike's flushed look makes Lightningstar coo; he thinks his sisters crush is _adorable_.

"That's nice of her," is all Beestrike says, whiskers twitching.

Lightningstar sees Eagleflight and Sorrelnose sitting together near the entrance of camp; Eagleflight looks up and purrs when he sees Lightningstar, the young tom clearly relieved that Lightningstar had time to assess his nieces skills.

Sorrelnose looks over and catches sight of Beestrike; Lightningstar doesn't miss the way the plump tortoiseshell's eyes widen, and the twitch of her tail-tip.

 _Adorable,_ is all Lightningstar can think as he pads over to the two mentors.

Eagleflight lets out a chirp. "I'm glad you can make it!" he says, orange eyes glowing warmly. He's a younger warrior, Lightningstar thinks - younger than Sorrelnose or Cherrytuft. Leopardpaw was his first apprentice, and he watches as Eagleflight pauses to brush cheeks with Leopardpaw in a warm greeting.

Lightningstar smiles warmly, white paws kneading the dirt in anticipation. "I'm glad I could, too," he says honestly; he was glad to spend time with his nieces and littermate - he hasn't had the time to in weeks.

They head out then; Mudfang is watching the outside of camp when they pass by. It's a small precaution - there's been fox scents in the area, and with CreekClan's announcement at the Gathering about rogues, well….it's never _too_ bad to be cautious, he thinks.

He gives a nod to the dark tabby as he passes; Mudfang gives him a nod back, scarred muzzle gleaming in the faint sunlight streaming through the tree canopies.

It doesn't take long for them to reach the clearing where apprentices usually spar together - it's nothing grand, just a small clearing dappled with sunlight and little daisy flowers.

Sorrelnose sits near Eagleflight, but Lightningstar catches her glancing towards Beestrike almost constantly - like she wants to say something, wants to pad over, and Lightningstar has to purr at it.

Leopardpaw and Robinpaw spar effortlessly together; Robinpaw is the quicker of the two, light on her paws and maneuvering out of Leopardpaw's strike zone without hesitation. She's built leaner, like Sootwhisker - Lightningstar can see the way she rolls away from Leopardpaw's swipes, leaps a little quicker to one side, and he can immediately see the black cat's movements in their kit.

Leopardpaw, however, takes after Foxstorm, Lightningstar notes rather grimly; she's a little slower, but her strikes have more power. He watches as she waits for a moment, clearly beginning to anticipate Robinpaw's movements; she fakes a swipe to the left, and immediately comes at Robinpaw from her littermates right instead - she's able to catch her shoulder, giving her a light nip.

Robinpaw squeaks, fur standing up as she grins playfully at her sister. "That was _sneaky_ ," she tells her, whiskers twitching.

"It was clever, that's what it was!" Eagleflight calls from the sidelines; Lightningstar watches as the tabby tom purrs, orange eyes gleaming. "Now _that_ is some technique - see Leopardpaw, I _told_ you that you were a fighter!"

Leopardpaw looks down bashfully at her mentors praise; Lightningstar is reminded of his own apprenticehood and his turn as a mentor - of Elmpelt, telling Lightningpaw of the progress he was making, and when he had mentored Otterstream, and how much he tried to uplift her own spirits.

( _"Otterpaw, come on, you can do that crouch! You'll be the best hunter in the whole entire forest with my teaching skills."_

" _Thanks, Lightningpelt, but you're_ shouting _and that'll scare all the prey away!"_ )

Sorrelnose chuckles, smiling warmly at Robinpaw. "And you did well too, Robinpaw - you're quick on your paws, alright!"

Robinpaw beams, before she drops down to her belly, slowly creeping up on Leopardpaw; she lightly jumps on top of her sister, and the pair spend a moment gently scuffling together.

Lightningstar glances to his side, to where Beestrike sits; his sister keeps looking at Sorrelnose, glancing at her before quickly glancing back at where her nieces are playing.

Lightningstar twitches his whiskers, glancing to Beestrike again, before saying: "Well, Sorrelnose - you're a _great_ mentor to Robinpaw, Patchwind was right to pick you as her mentor!" he praises, smiling at her.

Sorrelnose blinks in surprise at the praise; she nods, clearly humbled, and smiles at him. "T-thank you," she stutters, tail fluffing. "That's so sweet of you to say - I'm glad I'm doing a good job!"

Lightningstar nods, glancing towards his littermate. "Oh yeah - Beestrike, she says the same thing too! You're doing a great job."

Beestrike gives him a hard swat on his back; Sorrelnose wouldn't be able to see it, but Lightningstar coughs, slightly hunching form the hit.

Beestrike looks flustered, but she just slowly nods. "Yeah," the molly murmurs. "You, uh- you seem to….know what you're doing."

Sorrelnose's flush is evident; she just nods, smiling at the golden tabby molly. "That means a lot, coming from you," she finally squeaks out.

Beestrike just coughs, looking somewhere between pleased and nervous - _finally_ , Lightningstar thinks, having half a mind to lean back and sigh at his success.

Lightningstar is about to say something more, something else about Beestrike and her feelings towards the other molly - when he can scent more of their Clanmates, can smell fear and…. _blood_ , and his heart almost stops.

Fear and worry begins to course through his veins; Beestrike sits a little straighter next to him, and they share a glance - he has to go investigate, and he glances to where Robinpaw and Leopardpaw are beginning to separate from their playfight.

"Eagleflight, Sorrelnose," he begins - both of the cats can scent it too, and all of the warriors are on high alert, worried about what all those scents together, _fear, blood, panic_ \- could possibly mean. "Take-"

He doesn't have time to finish his sentence, though; he hears paws crashing through undergrowth, and he glances over.

"Lightningstar, Lightningstar?" He recognizes the voice instantly - his ears prick as he hears Adderstripe's hoarse, panicked voice. "Are you there, where-"

"I'm right here!" he calls, getting to his paws and quickly trying to follow the frightened voice; he doesn't have to search for long, however, because the brown tabby molly's face appears in front of him in an instant.

Her orange eyes are wide with fear, her whiskers trembling, and her fur on end; Eagleflight makes a soft noise, and Lightningstar can see him beginning to pad towards his littermate cautiously.

"What happened, Adderstripe?" he asks, frowning and scenting her; there's traces of blood scent on her, telling him that she had just been near some sort of gruesome scene - he blinks in fear. "What happened, are you-"

"Fox," she tells him, her voice trembling with shock. "Fox, we scented it, and-" she cuts off, and he realizes she's still dealing with her fear, panic; she sounds so unlike herself, not the calm molly he's known of since her apprenticehood.

"Adderstripe, it's okay," Eagleflight says softly; he's padding to her, and his eyes are fearful. "Foxes can be scary, but-"

"It killed Wrenfoot," she says suddenly, cutting her brother off; she shakes her head, and stares at her paws, sides heaving. "That's- I needed to tell you that, Sleetdapple told me to tell you, I don't know-"

Shock, horror, and grief tears through Lightningstar's chest; it is cold, unwavering, and he finds himself standing in shock at the news. One of his warriors died, one of his most senior cats - and he…..wasn't there. He hasn't patrolled since becoming leader; he should've done a patrol, he realizes. He should've been on that patrol. He shouldn't _be here_ , doing something as tedious as watching apprentices spar - he should have-

Sorrelnose lets out a soft mewl of grief; Lightningstar loosely remembers that Wrenfoot had been her mentor. He doesn't turn, but he can hear a low voice beginning to soothe her; he knows Beestrike must be there, pushing aside any of her previous fears for the sake of comforting Sorrelnose.

Eagleflight's mouth is agape. "Oh," is he can say, eyes dim. "Oh, Adderstripe, sis, I-"

"He died," she tells them again, tail fluffed to three times its normal size. "He's dead. Right in front of me."

Lightningstar can barely think; his brain is trying to process it, trying to think around this news. For some odd reason, he's trying to convince himself that this isn't true - that perhaps Adderstripe is lying, or that this is just some twisted dream, but-

"Where….what happened to the fox?" Lightningstar says slowly, his voice soft.

Adderstripe shuts her eyes, shaking; Eagleflight makes a noise, padding to her side and giving her ear a lick. She's young, and Lightningstar knows that she's never been in battle before, has never seen a Clanmate….die in front of her - it's traumatic, shocking, and no cat is prepared for it.

"Appleclaw chased it off," she replies, leaning into Eagleflight's side.

 _Appleclaw_ , Lightningstar feels more fear course through him at the thought of his mother - not only one of his warriors, not just a cat under his protection, but his _mother_ \- being there, what if it had been her, what if-

"Sorrelnose and I will take the girls back to camp," Beestrike says suddenly; he finally remembers that his nieces are there, and Leopardpaw and Robinpaw are huddled together, fear in their twin hazel eyes. "You should come back too - Adderstripe will need to see Russetshade."

Her voice is calm, commanding, and Lightningstar forgets that he's her leader for a moment; he's back to being Lightningpaw, listening to his larger sister because she's Beestrike and she's always right, she always knows what to do.

Beestrike is still nuzzling Sorrelnose's cheek as they walk together, helping the grieving molly on the path back to camp; Leopardpaw and Robinpaw follow them, both confused and terrified; Eagleflight is assisting Adderstripe back to camp, comforting his frightened sister.

Lightningstar walks alone, eyes wide, shock still clinging to his pelt.

* * *

The Clan is huddled in the center of camp when they return; all eyes immediately fall on him, and Lightningstar can't help but feel like they're judging him, blaming him, _angry_ at him for not being there.

He can't help but think that they're right - he should have been there, shouldn't have been out on personal business, he should have been there to _protect_ -

Ivyfur pads to him first; his deputy looks tired and sad and so much older than Lightningstar has ever remembered seeing him.

"He's-" Ivyfur moves aside, and Lightningstar can finally see what he is gesturing to; a small, light brown tabby body curled in the center of camp. "...I didn't. I didn't realize the foxes were actually _settling_ into our territory, Lightningstar, I-"

"It's my fault," he whispers; Adderstripe and Eagleflight move past him, and immediately Eagleflight calls for Russetshade - the ginger tabby pads over, sniffing Adderstripe and murmuring something to Eagleflight. They begin to lead Adderstripe to the medicine cat den together; somehow Beestrike, Sorrelnose, and the apprentices are already at Wrenfoot's body, Sorrelnose leaning into Beestrike. "It's….my fault."

Ivyfur's amber eyes are round with shock. "What?"

"I haven't even _talked_ to him since I became leader," Lightningstar goes on, thinking back on Wrenfoot - they were never overly close, but he's the _leader_ now. There's no excuse not to know his Clanmates, to ignore them in favor for his own family, he-

"That doesn't mean it's your fault for his death," Ivyfur whispers, trying to catch his gaze. "That's. He was killed by a fox, Lightningstar - you can't possibly blame-"

"Patchwind used to patrol the territory when we scented other animals," he tells his deputy, voice becoming more strangled. "She would tell me she wanted to be the one to protect us, defend us, and I couldn't _even_ -"

"It's not your fault," Ivyfur repeats, a little more seriously. "We….you should be sitting vigil for him, they need their leader right now," The black tom looks behind him to where the Clan is gathered; most huddle near the senior warrior, clearly grieving for his loss.

Lightningstar feels his pelt prickle even more with guilt, anger, and sadness - it's his fault, he didn't check the scents himself. He's been in camp for the past moon, and he couldn't even _bother_ to-

"Go," Ivyfur murmurs gently, nudging him. "Wrenfoot would...it'd help, to sit with his body."

 _If you have to say your sorries, say it near his body where his spirit can hear_ , he thinks, flattening his ears to his head; Lightningstar pads towards the body, paws feeling heavier and heavier with each step.

No cat says anything to him, no one spits hatred or blame at him; their eyes are sympathetic, and yet all Lightningstar can feel is guilt.

Wrenfoot's body looks small, fragile, against the grass; there's a nasty wound on the back of his neck, and Lightningstar stops his imagination from trying to think on the killing wound. He touches his nose to the stiff body; the images of Elmpelt, Foxstorm, Patchwind, and now Wrenfoot all bleed into one, all fallen friends and family that he feels like he couldn't _do_ enough to save, he should have-

Wordlessly, Waspcloud pads to his side; his father leans against him comfortingly, and Lightningstar sags his head, allowing the other tom to give his shoulder a few licks as they sit vigil for the fallen warrior.

"Is there anything you want to say?" Waspcloud asks gently, green eyes dim. Lightningstar knows that Waspcloud and Wrenfoot had known each other for many moons, seasons, and he can feel his father's grief bleed into his fur.

"Should I?" Lightningstar says louder than he intended; some cats stare at him, clearly dissatisfied with his answer - Lightningstar knows that leaders usually give speeches, say a few words for a fallen cat - it was customary.

Waspcloud frowns. "I think so." His voice is still soft, gentle, just like Lightningstar has remembered since kithood.

He nods, feeling younger than ever next to his father; he sways a little, clearing his throat.

"I….Wrenfoot was senior warrior," he says slowly; unlike with Patchwind, this speech has no preparation time, has given him no time to really think on what he should say. He feels stupid, useless, and he frowns. "We all respected him - he...he was nice, he was always looking out for everyone else," he tells them.

He feels stupid - he's younger than most of the warriors who knew Wrenfoot. Someone like Sleetdapple, Mudfang, Waspcloud or Appleclaw could give this speech better - they've known him for seasons, so much longer than Lightningstar has.

"...he was. He cared a lot for others, to the point where he'd do anything for them," he says, sighing - he's trying to piece memories of Wrenfoot together, despite not knowing the tom very well. He feels….utterly helpless.

He trails off; his voice grows quiet, and despite some cats murmuring their agreement to his words, he still feels as though this speech is….horrible, disrespectful to Wrenfoot's memory. It's hardly pieced together, and he feels detached; he should have gotten to know the other tom better, he should have had a better relationship with him.

He glances up as he hears someone clear their throat; Sleetdapple is looking at him, and the older molly's orange eyes are tired. He knows that she has seen many deaths - many cats torn from her life, many who have laid in the same spot as Wrenfoot. She is the most senior warrior, moons from retirement.

"Can I say a few things for him?" She asks; Lightningstar knows what she means - to help him, to take over so that Wrenfoot can have a proper, caring ceremony. She knew him better than Lightningstar, and she'd be much more efficient in giving him a proper ceremony.

Wordlessly, Lightningstar nods, leaning against Waspcloud; he's glad to have the spotlight taken from him. He doesn't deserve it.

Sleetdapple blinks. "Wrenfoot was a good friend," she begins, her low, deep voice seemingly causing the forest to pause - it feels as though everything is at peace for a moment; the trees have stopped rustling, the birds have stopped chirping, just for her. "He was thoughtful, kind, honest; he had a bit of a habit in leaping in fear whenever he was even slightly frightened - but he was a good cat. A good warrior, someone I am proud to have served with all these seasons."

The Clan murmurs along with her; Sleetdapple speaks elegantly, hardly any falter in her voice - Lightningstar cannot find it in himself to be jealous of the dappled molly. Her gray fur is uneven, however, which is odd for her; he finds himself staring at the strands of fur standing on end, the ruffledness of it - was it because of how close she must have been to Wrenfoot when he was killed? Because she had forgotten to wash it this morning? Or was it-

His thoughts are cut short as Sleetdapple carries on:

"He died to protect Adderstripe," she says heavily; Lightningstar looks around and cannot find the brown tabby anywhere - she must still be with Russetshade. "The fox….it was frightening, all in an instant; Wrenfoot died to protect her without a thought." Sleetdapple looks at the Clan, her orange eyes soft.

The Clan seems moved by her speech; Lightningstar just nods along with her, feeling his fur prickle in grief at the loss. He feels honored to have had the tom in his Clan - he stares at Wrenfoot's body, ears flattened to his head.

He leans against his father as the ceremony carries on into the night.

* * *

Lightningstar's thoughts are consumed with Wrenfoot throughout the next day; the elders had buried the tom in the meadow in the morning, and the Clan attempts to carry on with life - Ivyfur struggles to make patrols this time, with many fearful to go back into the forest. The tomcat also seems to be going through his own grief and remorse; Lightningstar did not miss the way he had leaned on Deerspring throughout Wrenfoot's ceremony, clearly feeling responsible for Wrenfoot's death.

Lightningstar cannot bare to be in his den alone, not today; he wants to distract himself, pull himself from his grief and anger - and he finds himself drawn to the shaded, closed off part of camp where his parents are currently resting.

He pads to Appleclaw and Waspcloud without a second thought; they don't ask any questions, and Waspcloud moves to the side so Lightningstar can lay next to him. Lightningstar lays his head on his father's flank, just as he had in kithood - he remembers being nestled against the curve of the ginger-and-white tabby's belly, squished between Beekit and Foxkit.

It feels like ages ago, much longer than Lightningstar would think - he feels….old. Tired. Upset. Angry.

"You can't blame yourself for Wrenfoot's death," Waspcloud murmurs gently; like he had when Lightningstar was a kitten, he licks the top of his son's head - Lightningstar sighs, shivering in guilt.

"...it was my fault, Pa," Lightningstar mumbles, burying his nose in his paws.

Appleclaw makes a soft noise in the back of her throat; her amber eyes look worried, and she shuffles closer, pushing her nose against his. "You don't sound like my cheerful kit," she murmurs, voice taunt with worry. "You can't blame yourself for it. Wrenfoot did what he thought was right - he died to protect Adderstripe, our Clan. Every warrior would do the same in an instant."

Lightningstar blinks, tail twitching. "...I should've talked to him more," he finally says, sighing. "It feels. Like I _hardly_ knew him - Patchwind….she knew all of us, she spent time with every cat in the Clan. And I was just - I've just been hanging out with Beestrike or Otterstream, I didn't even…"

Waspcloud blinks, nudging his face. "You didn't know he would die," he murmurs. His voice is heavy with grief, and Lightningstar feels terrible - for his father, for Wrenfoot, for BrackenClan as a whole. "It's hard; Patchwind must've felt the same, when one of her warriors died. You're not weak for feeling like it's your fault - but we're here to remind you that it _wasn't_ your fault."

Lightningstar sighs into his paws. "I wish I was an apprentice again," is all he can say; he thinks back onto the days where all he had to worry about was impressing Elmpelt, or trying to outdo Foxpaw in whatever their mentors tasked them with - he longs for those days now, more than anything.

His throat feels like it's beginning to close; he frowns, shutting his eyes as those terrible thoughts come into his mind - he can't say those things out loud, he can't suddenly _say_ that - it's only been over a moon. A moon, he needs to-

 _I don't_ want _to be leader if….it's going to be like_ this _,_ is all he can think. _I thought- I was an idiot, stupid, naive, but I can't- these cats shouldn't die for me, I can't….I'm responsible for them, and I feel like I'm letting them down._

Appleclaw chuckles softly; she licks between his ears. "We all wish that sometimes," she tells him gently. After a moment, she looks at him a little more seriously. "But you're - you _are_ a leader, Lightningstar. I know that it's hard - losing a friend, a Clanmate isn't easy. It never _gets_ easier. But you have nine lives - we all trust you to be our leader."

Lightningstar pushes his nose a little further into his paws; if he tries hard enough, maybe he can somehow disappear underneath them forever.

"...I guess," is all he can say; he can't voice his doubts - and there is a voice in the back of his mind, perhaps some of that _StarClan influence_ Otterstream jokes about - that is telling him that this will pass; he will be able to recover, he'll be able to understand how to deal with this easier. He's lost Clanmates before - he'll recover eventually.

(Or, at least he hopes so.)

His father purrs in a manner that is meant to be comforting; Waspcloud licks the back of his neck in a soothing manner, and Lightningstar lays against his side. He shuts his eyes and a memory of his kithood comes back into his thoughts - of Waspcloud washing he or Foxkit while Beekit watched with a playful gleam in her eyes, of Appleclaw visiting them with fresh prey in her mouth for her kittens and nursing mate.

He allows his father to groom him, while his mother murmurs into his ear some stories to calm him.

* * *

Days pass after Wrenfoot's passing - Lightningstar gives his best effort to visit more of the Clan, to talk with them, to be more _productive_ \- he can't have this feeling again. He doesn't want to feel like he doesn't truly know them - it takes a lot of effort for him to get on his paws again, for him to try and conduct duties, but he manages to.

The Clan tries to heal; Lightningstar watches as some of the warriors begin to bring out clumps of moss from the den - their eyes are sad, and he realizes that they are finally removing Wrenfoot's nest from the den.

He remembers when Foxstorm had died, and-

" _Lightningpelt, we need to move his nest out - we can't….keep it here, it's not healthy for you."_

 _He clings to the moss, burying his nose into it. "No."_

" _Dear, please-"_

" _It was my fault, he was so angry with me, I shouldn't have-"_

He shakes away the memories, trying to recall more recent ones, good ones - warm amber eyes, a soft smile, a joking _you always were the golden boy, brother._ The memories of his distant past are far too painful to think of.

The warriors bring out Wrenfoot's moss, and Lightningstar watches as some carry it out of camp - probably to bury it somewhere else, and then to get new moss. Life must carry on, he thinks.

Lightningstar spots two tabbies walking together and smiles gently when he sees Otterstream with Adderstripe - Otterstream had made it her mission to help Adderstripe recover from Wrenfoot's loss and to carry on. Lightningstar can't help but be proud of her; she was doing something incredibly kind, regardless of her crush on Adderstripe or not.

"Are you feeling a little better?" Lightningstar jolts in surprise a little; he relaxes when he sees Ivyfur padding to him, the black tomcat settling down next to him.

"Ah," Lightningstar blinks, whiskers twitching. "I...think so. I'm a little embarrassed of how I reacted when Wrenfoot died, if I'm being honest."

Ivyfur blinks sympathetically. "You were in shock, and grieving," the tom tells him in that wise _I know this, trust me_ voice; Lightningstar nods slowly. "I went through the same thing, when my father died."

Lightningstar's ears prick - Ivyfur hardly talked about Elmpelt.

"Really?" he can't help but ask, frowning at the other tom. "You don't...talk about him much."

Ivyfur frowns. "It's hard to," he confesses, glancing at Lightningstar. "But - when he died, do you remember how the Clan reacted?"

Lightningstar shivers; he remembers it well. Elmpelt had been an old warrior - he was going to retire after completing he finished mentoring Lightningstar. That hadn't happened, however; he died in a battle with MossClan, too old to have fought efficiently - Lightningstar hadn't been at the battle, but he knows that Elmpelt was stuck down by a younger MossClan warrior.

The Clan had been in a long grieving process afterwards; Wrenfoot's death was hard enough for them to cope with currently, but Lightningstar can remember the way Patchwind had faltered during her speech, how Ivyfur had been pressed against his mother and Deerspring, shaking.

"...I remember," is all he can say, flattening his ears to his head.

Ivyfur sighs. "Patchwind blamed herself," he murmurs, glancing somewhere far off, into the canopies, into the sky and maybe even beyond it - somewhere Lightningstar cannot reach. "Elmpelt was old; he wanted to be in the elders den already. She thought it was her fault, asking an old tom to go to a battle like that - but he'd insisted, he wanted to fight for BrackenClan. To go down the way a warrior ought to, in his words."

Lightningstar looks at his paws; the _die for the Clan, in the warrior way_ concept had never appealed to him. He loves his Clan, and he'll die for them if he has to - but he doesn't see the glory in it. It seems like _duty_ in his opinion, not something to be glorified - Elmpelt was murdered in cold blood over a territory dispute. Wrenfoot died because no one had been vigilant about a fox. It doesn't seem glorious to him.

"...I see," is all he says, even though he's lost as to what his deputy is trying to tell him.

Ivyfur's tail curls over his paws. "When we become warriors, we take an oath for our Clan," Ivyfur tells him, voice gentle. "We promise to die for our Clan, to protect it and our Clanmates with everything we have - Wrenfoot made that promise, too."

Lightningstar looks away.

"His blood isn't on your paws, Lightningstar; he knew his fate when he saved Adderstripe. He died a noble death."

Part of him knows Ivyfur is right, but another part also knows he is wrong, in a way; Wrenfoot did make an oath to protect his Clan - but nothing was gained from his death. He didn't die nobly; his neck was snapped by a fox.

He thinks of Patchwind, then.

 _When I die of old age, decades older than my family, with everyone gone,_ he thinks, looking to the sky. _Will BrackenClan tell the cats that follow that it was 'noble'? That me withering to dust and bones is something to praise?_

The forest is silent, and Ivyfur says nothing more; there are no answers for him.

He's not mad at Ivyfur - he appreciates the tom for being so kind, for helping him so much. But Lightningstar feels younger than ever sitting next to his deputy, thinking so critically of Clan life.

 _Maybe we die for nothing_ , he thinks, shaking his head. _...but this is still my family, regardless; I'd still die for my parents and my sister, for Ivyfur and Otterstream, for my nieces and Sootwhisker - for all of them. They're my family, and even if we all die dumb, useless deaths - we're BrackenClan, and maybe that's just what Clan life is. What death is._

He thinks for a moment; was Elmpelt's death really nothing? Was Wrenfoot's? Was Foxstorm's?

 _No_ , he thinks, remembering his brother more clearly than the others.

"Thank you, Ivyfur," he murmurs to his deputy, and together they sit in camp, watching their Clanmates continue on with life.

* * *

Lightningstar offers to take a patrol to the MossClan border one afternoon; he _needs_ to contribute more, and Ivyfur still does his patrols - there is no reason why Lightningstar can't as well, he reasons.

He's with Mudfang and Sorrelnose, tracking through the undergrowth; Mudfang takes the lead, dark tabby tail twitching as he navigates them through the expanse of bush.

Sorrelnose falls into step beside him; she seems to have been dealing with Wrenfoot's death a little easier, and Lightningstar can't help but think that that was in part by his own doing. He's been pushing Beestrike to talk to her more, to help her through her grief - the two mollies were spending more time together than before.

Sorrelnose clears her throat suddenly; the plump molly has a calm look on her face, but there's something akin to a glimmer of joy in her amber eyes.

"Something on your mind?" he asks her, hoping that his suspicions are right - _please tell me Beestrike asked her finally, please let Beestrike be happy…_

Sorrelnose twitches her whiskers, and finally she says: "Well," she starts off a little awkwardly, a dimple-tipped smile on her face. "...Beestrike asked me to be her mate."

Lightningstar's eyes widen, and for the first time since Wrenfoot's death, a true burst of joy goes through him - _finally!_

"Really?" he can't help but blurt; Mudfang turns to look at them, brow raised - Lightningstar just purrs at him, and the grumpy tom just shakes his head, padding forward. "She really did?"

Sorrelnose smiles. "She did!" she tells him, tail-tip twitching. "I couldn't….I _still_ can't believe it - she asked me the other day, and I'm just," she sighs happily. "I'm _so_ happy. I didn't think she _wanted_ to be my mate, and I was too nervous to ask her - it's so _weird_ to think she feels the same!"

 _Not_ that _weird,_ he wants to say to her. _She's been mooning over you since we were apprentices - she's not that subtle!_

But Sorrelnose is purring, clearly pleased. "She's great, and I'm so happy that she asked me."

Lightningstar gives her a nuzzle. "I'm happy too," he tells her honestly. "We need some good news around here - I'm happy that you two are together finally."

Sorrelnose laughs a little to herself; she looks so happy though, and Lightningstar can't help but smile at her.

Suddenly, though, Mudfang calls out: "Lightningstar! I need you to come scent this - to tell me I'm not imagining this." The growl in his voice is as clear as day - it wasn't the normal Mudfang growl either, it was much more annoyed, much more serious.

Lightningstar and Sorrelnose glance at each other quickly; he blinks at her, and they pad over to where Mudfang is, pushing through brambles.

The dark tabby tom is lashing his tail, and his fur is pricked - Lightningstar wonders what could've possibly ruffled his fur out here, but then he smells it. It's as clear as day, and he narrows his eyes.

"MossClan," he growls, his tail beginning to lash in a manner similar to Mudfang. "This is too far in to be an accident - and it's can't be SnowClan."

Mudfang growls even louder. "What do you think it means? Some MossClan cat trying to sneak in here as a prank, or to steal prey?"

Sorrelnose frowns. "If they stole prey, we would've scented blood," she tells him. "Maybe we should head closer to the SnowClan border - if a MossClan cat came in here, they probably would've crossed into SnowClan's territory too."

Mudfang flicks his ear. "Why should we worry over SnowClan?" he asks, genuinely confused.

"We should probably see if they're getting the same problem," Sorrelnose explains. "If there's MossClan warriors bothering us, then they're probably bothering SnowClan, too - Lilystar should know about it."

"I can go to check out SnowClan's territory," Lightningstar offers without thinking; the decision almost confuses even him, but he thinks on it - if Mudfang or Sorrelnose got too close to SnowClan, a SnowClan patrol would see fit to attack. But leaders were forbidden to be harmed without reason - it was seen as blasphemy in StarClan's eyes. And Lightningstar just wants to check, is all.

Mudfang is about to ask again, but he must think better of it; he shrugs, and gestures to Sorrelnose. "We can get closer to MossClan territory, I suppose."

Lightningstar nods. "I'd feel better if there was two of you heading that way - but please be careful, and if there's…." The memory of Wrenfoot's death appears in his mind as he speaks. "...any trouble, please come and find me, or run back to camp."

Mudfang's eyes soften - he must understand what Lightningstar is thinking about, and he nods. "We'll be fine - and you be careful as well. Just because leaders _shouldn't_ be harmed unprovoked doesn't mean every warrior follows that."

He knows that well - there's countless stories of warriors, deputies, trying to usurp their leader. It never ended well, and StarClan isn't likely to forgive for such crimes.

They depart - Sorrelnose and Mudfang head towards the MossClan border, and Lightningstar pads towards the SnowClan border. Luckily the tip of both Clans territory meets with BrackenClan's; it's not a far trec, and he's certain Mudfang or Sorrelnose would hear him if he needed assistance - and vice versa.

He weaves through some undergrowth, and finds himself almost uncomfortable when the bracken and trees begins to dwindle down into more grass - he doesn't understand how any Clan could withstand living out in the open. It feels too raw, too….strange.

Regardless, he pads to the SnowClan border - in this time of year, the snows are melted and the landscape is full of soft, green hills and beautiful lavender bushes - it's pretty in his mind, from a distance at least. The open air is obviously an issue for him - but he likes _looking_ at it, in the very least.

A new scent is present in the air the closer he gets to the SnowClan border - it's a SnowClan cat, but it's also familiar. A feeling of joy wells through him as he recognizes the scent, until he tells himself that he _shouldn't_ be happy about seeing an enemy warrior.

Despite that, though, he finds himself grinning when he sees Littletuft in the distance; his small, fluffy frame is unmistakable, and Lightningstar has to stop himself from calling out the small warriors name.

Either luckily or unluckily, depending on how he'd spin it - lucky to see a friend, or unlucky to be spotted by an enemy warrior - Littletuft catches sight of him. The SnowClan cat's eyes widen, and then narrow, and he begins padding right to where Lightningstar is standing.

"Lightningstar," the tom hisses, green eyes darting around nervously as he nears. "Why are you so close to the border? You're- you shouldn't _be_ here, is this an attack?"

Littletuft's fur is fluffed up, and the tom stops a few foxlengths away from him - realization seems to dawn on his face, and the white tom opens his mouth, seemingly to let out a yowl.

Realizing how _threatening_ this must look, to have an enemy leader so close to his territory, Lightningstar quickly meows:

" _No,_ no! Littletuft it's not an attack - it's just me!"

Littletuft closes his mouth, but he does not look convinced; he narrows his eyes at Lightningstar, tail lashing.

"...why are you here, then?" he asks after taking a moment to sniff the air again - probably to see if Lightningstar was telling the truth or not. "You can't just - you're not allowed to just wander onto a Clan's territory, regardless if you're BrackenClan's leader or not. Nine lives doesn't give you a pass to be rude, you know."

Lightningstar's whiskers twitch at the tom's sharp tongue; he finds it almost endearing compared to the cats small size. But thinking over Littletuft's words, he frowns - does he seem a little rude, doing this? He doesn't want to intrude or anything of that sort - he just wants to see if there's a MossClan scent there, that's all.

"I wasn't trying to be rude, I apologize," he tells the white tom, frowning. "I was- well, I was on a patrol, and we caught scent of MossClan on our territory. I wanted to make sure that your Clan wasn't having any issues with that, either - I think Lilystar should know about it, just to be aware either way."

Littletuft's whiskers twitch in what seems like shock. "That's…..thoughtful of you," he says honestly, ear flicking. He seems to think for a moment, and then glances over his shoulder - where tall pine trees are in the distance, almost fogged over - MossClan's forest. "But we did scent some MossClan cats a little too close to the border - not in it, but a little closer than normal. Lilystar said to watch out for it - but that's odd, that they came into your territory."

Lightningstar nods. "Yeah, I thought it was weird," he replies, tail flicking. "We didn't scent any blood in the area, so we don't think any prey was taken - but it's just odd, I guess."

Littletuft nods. "I'll pass the message to Lilystar, if you'd like?" he asks, head cocking to the side. "She might want to know, so our warriors can be a little more aware of it."

Lightningstar smiles. "That's awfully kind of you!" he can't help but gush, whiskers twitching at the tom. "Are you sure you want to tell your leader that you were chatting up BrackenClan's leader at the border?"

He says it as a joke - complete with a wink - but Littletuft seems to be a little bothered by it; he makes a funny face and looks away, fur fluffing up.

"I was just going to tell her that a patrol told me, not- ugh. Why did you have to make it _flirty._ " Littletuft states, looking at his paws.

Lightningstar feels a little baffled, although there is heat rising to his cheeks - he didn't _mean_ to be flirty, and Littletuft is from another Clan, he was just _trying_ to be nice.

"You're from another Clan, remember?" Lightningstar chooses to say, laughing a little. "And besides, you seem tense all the time - like you'd claw my face if I even nuzzled you once." He says it with a purr to let the tom know he's joking; Littletuft just huffs.

"I'm not _tense_ ," he grumbles, but there's a smile on his face. "And yes, we _are_ from different Clans - and you're a leader too. You _might_ be friendly, but you're still a fox-hearted BrackenClan cat!" Littletuft laughs at it, saying it as a joke - and Lightningstar himself only laughs, until he hears the word _fox_.

It brings back memories of Wrenfoot all over again, and he looks at his paws, trying to push away the memories of the small tom and of feeling like he's letting his Clan down, trying to put back on his friendly exterior.

He doesn't do it fast enough - Littletuft catches on.

"I'm sorry," the tom blurts, frowning. "I meant that as a joke - we _are_ from different Clans, but you're really nice, and I'm sorry if-"

"It's not that," Lightningstar murmurs, sitting down. He doesn't know if Mudfang and Sorrelnose are on their way back yet, or if they're wondering where he is - he needs a moment, a moment to breathe. "I….you just. Said fox, was all."

Littletuft frowns. "...did something happen?" he asks, although his voice is cautious - Lightningstar naively knows it's because Littletuft is a friend now, and he only wants to help, but he obviously wants to remain cautious for Lightningstar's safety. He can't know too much about BrackenClan affairs - it'll look bad.

Despite the caution that Lightningstar should feel - he knows he shouldn't share a lot of his Clan's internal affairs, and that he shouldn't be so friendly with a warrior from another Clan - something is telling him to say what happened. He likes Littletuft, despite only meeting him once; he seemed genuine, kind.

"One of my warriors died," he finally says, ears flattening. "He….it was by a fox. It was over a week ago - we've uh. His name was Wrenfoot."

Littletuft's eyes widen; he seems to be actually in shock, and he frowns. "Oh," he says softly, sitting down - Lightningstar follows in suit. "I'm so sorry."

"Yeah," is all Lightningstar can say; he fixates on a beetle crawling in the grass. "He- it was bad. It shouldn't have happened."

Littletuft seems to nod in understanding. "It shouldn't have," he says honestly, looking very serious. "I didn't- well, I didn't know him well, but I used to see him at Gatherings when I was an apprentice. He seemed nice."

Lightingstar nods slowly. "He was."

They sit in silence for a few more moments, before Littletuft meows: "I know we don't know each other very well," he murmurs, voice soft. "but I really do wish you the best of luck, Lightningstar. It must not be….easy, to be the leader of a Clan."

Lightningstar sighs. "Yeah," he says, suddenly losing his chatty exterior - he doesn't feel in the mood for it now, he just feels tired. "Thank you, and same to you."

Littletuft nods; he glances behind him, and then gives Lightningstar a very small smile. "I have to go," he tells him. "And you probably do too, but- I hope StarClan grants you a light snowfall."

Lightningstar blinks. "It's greenleaf, though," he says, confused. "Leafbare is moons away."

Littletuft laughs, and the noise is soft on Lightningstar's ears; he likes it. "No- I mean, _yes_ , it is - but that's a SnowClan saying for _I hope you have a good day_."

Lightningstar frowns. "That's kinda confusing," he says, but smiles a little regardless - it's...endearing. "But that's kind of cute. I hope the hills bless you with uh...good snow too, little bunny."

Littletuft's ears shoot up. "Huh?" he asks, voice coming out in almost a squeak.

Lightningstar laughs. "We say _bunny_ a lot in BrackenClan as like...it's sorta like calling you buddy, or Clanmate. Just a cuter version of it."

Littletuft is smiling, fur fluffing up again. "That- that's nice, I like that," he meows, paws kneading in the grass. "Well - thank you, Lightningstar. It was nice talking to you again."

Lightningstar nods. "You too! And maybe I can talk to you at the next Gathering?"

Littletuft looks at his paws, and nods. "Yeah, I'd...that'd be nice."

Lightningstar beams, and Littletuft says a quick goodbye - there's obviously no nose touching, but the tom dips his head to him, before turning and bounding through the grassy hills again. Lightningstar watches him go, still smiling.

He turns and pads back the way he came; it doesn't take him long to trec back to where Sorrelnose and Mudfang are sitting.

"I hope you weren't waiting too long for me," Lightningstar murmurs, praying that they didn't hear or scent Littletuft.

Sorrelnose shakes her head. "We just got back," she tells him, and looks to Mudfang. "But we did find some more MossClan scents, as expected - did you scent anything at the SnowClan border?"

He almost mentions Littletuft, on a dumb impulse - he stops himself last minute, though, not wanting Mudfang or Sorrelnose to know he was speaking to and friendly with a SnowClan cat and he just shakes his head.

"No," he says, thinking of the white tom. He hides a smile. "Nothing."

They meow a _good_ and carry on with the patrol; as they pad off, Lightningstar keeps glancing to where SnowClan territory is - hoping, by some weird desire, that Littletuft was searching for him, too.


	5. preserve

**c** _ontinued._

MOONS PASS; THE BORDER WITH MOSSCLAN is checked frequently - Lightningstar can't find it in himself to bring it up at any of the Gatherings that follow, not without any proof. He has clear memories of how defensive Crowstar can get about his Clan - he doesn't want to get on the black tom's bad side, not so early into his leadership.

(This decision was not viewed lightly in his Clan; Mudfang challenges him on it frequently, and even Beestrike mentioned a few times how they should be questioning MossClan and Crowstar about the scents that they've caught too close into their territory.)

But today is a lighter day, a much happier one - and Lightningstar couldn't be more excited. Cherrytuft's litter is ready to become apprentices, and aside from making Ivyfur his deputy, and Patchwind and Wrenfoot's funerals, this is his first _real_ ceremony as a leader.

His tail twitches excitedly; Cherrytuft had told him that his kits reached their sixth moon and had become _much_ too rowdy to stay in the nursery with their father - Newtkit and Lizardkit were a flurry of excitement and curiosity.

Choosing their mentors had been rather simple, if anything - Patchwind had told him once that with every litter, she tried to keep a simple system in choosing mentors. One senior warrior would mentor one kit in the litter, and a younger warrior would mentor another in the litter - this way, it would give every cat a chance to be mentor, and have a senior warrior to ask for advice.

Tail fluffing, Lightningstar smiles, padding towards the Tallrock and leaping to the top - he's been able to perfect his jumps, usually trying to practice early in the morning or during the dead of night when no one was awake.

(Otterstream had caught him one time, and his former apprentice had given him quite the judgemental look when she saw her former mentor and leader practicing how to jump onto the Tallrock.)

Regardless, Lightningstar lets out a yowl to call BrackenClan forward; warriors stream from their dens, elders sit expectantly near the long grass, and Cherrytuft's ginger-and-black face peeks from the nursery, eyes bright as his kittens barrel out from behind him.

It's a good thing that they're finally moving out, Lightningstar thinks with a smile as Cherrytuft leads Newtkit, Lizardkit, and Owlkit to the center of camp - Mudfang joins them, pausing to nuzzle his daughters and son. But Hollyface had moved back into the nursery again - Lightningstar purrs a little when he thinks of his father's sister, who seemed excited to announce that she was going to be having another litter.

(It was hard to think of her other two litters, who had died not long after birth - Aldercloud and Waspcloud had offered their support to her, but the ginger molly was still grieving for her lost kittens.)

Lightningstar focuses back on the three kittens padding through the group of gathered cats and to the front of the crowd - many purr as Lizardkit leads the way, with Newtkit and Owlkit padding after her. He can hear some warriors telling them soft congratulations, murmuring that there was nothing to be scared of - some had anticipation glowing in their eyes, wondering who would be chosen as their mentors.

Lightningstar leaps down from the Tallrock after the three reach the front of the crowd; he smiles down at them, trying to calm any nerves they might have - he remembers how daunting being made an apprentice can be, and the anxiety that goes with it.

"I'm excited to be making these three kittens apprentices today," he tells the Clan - Cherrytuft had already known of the ceremony beforehand, which is why all three kittens have groomed down fur and bright eyes. "I'm sorry about the informality of the ceremony - it was _supposed_ to be a surprise-" He's saying it lightly, with a purr, and Cherrytuft ducks his head in playful shame, pressed against Mudfang's side. "-but one of the fathers of these kits couldn't wait - and I'm just as excited, really, to be making Newtkit, Lizardkit, and Owlkit apprentices of BrackenClan."

The three kits purr; the kit-blue of their eyes is gone now, replaced with the eye color they'll carry on into adulthood - it's a sad observation for every cat, a reminder that every kit grows up faster than the Clan thinks they will.

Cats around him purr; apprentice ceremonies were always easier, much more relaxed than warrior ceremonies - they were full of hope, promise, and excitement for every cat involved.

"Owlkit," he addresses the small brown tabby first, knowing that the tom was the most shy of the litter - better to get him done with first, to let him know it was nothing to be scared of. "From this moment forward, until you complete your warrior training, until you rise into the warrior BrackenClan knows you can be - you will be known as Owlpaw," he meows, moving forward to place his nose on Owlpaw's forehead, as was tradition.

The little tom smiles, nodding silently; he was a shy fellow, and Lightningstar purrs.

"Sootwhisker," Lightningstar calls out, finding the black cat's face in the crowd; their hazel eyes widen for a moment, but they smile, nodding excitedly. They weave through the crowd silently, and pause a few pawsteps from Owlpaw. "You've been overlooked when it comes to apprentices - and I want to change that immediately," he tells the cat, smiling softly. "You're a caring and patient cat that I know will be able to help Owlpaw come out of his shell a little easier - he's shy, but so were you once - I know you'll be able to train him to the best of your abilities."

Sootwhisker's eyes gleam, and they nod excitedly; they had moved into the nursery with Leopardpaw and Robinpaw not long after becoming a warrior. There was simply never a time for them to receive an apprentice, and they smile down at Owlpaw excitedly.

"It's alright - don't worry, you're doing fine," they murmur to Owlpaw, and Owlpaw nods, touching noses with his new mentor. The two of them settle down side by side, and Lightningstar smiles, turning to the other two kits.

"Newtkit, until you rise up to becoming the warrior BrackenClan knows you can be, until you earn your warrior name, you will be known as Newtpaw," he tells the torbie molly, purring gently. He presses his nose to her forehead, just as he did with Owlpaw.

Lightningstar lifts his head, making eye contact with the youthful and surprised face of his former apprentice.

"Otterstream," he calls to the brown tabby - she's sitting next to Adderstripe, pressed against the other tabby molly, and Otterstream lets out a trill in surprise. "You have not yet had an apprentice either - but I have complete confidence in you," he tells her as she pads forward, green eyes aglow. "And _not_ just because I mentored you - I promise that has nothing to do with it."

Purrs from the gathered cats arise around them, but Otterstream is beaming ear to ear - Lightningstar has complete faith that she'll be able to mentor Newtpaw.

"You might be young, but you have a caring and wild spirit - I know that your joyful nature will go paw in paw with Newtpaw's," he tells her, and Otterstream nods, for once too excited to speak.

Newtpaw turns and pads to her new mentor, a little cautiously at first, but as soon as Otterstream gives her a small _come on, I'm not so scary_ , the little torbie walks a little quicker, touching noses with her new mentor. They sit side by side then, and Sootwhisker beams at Otterstream in a silent congratulations.

Lightningstar finally turns to Lizardkit, whose wiggling in her seat in anticipation; he chuckles, smiling at the little molly.

"And finally, Lizardkit, you will be known as Lizardpaw until you grow into the warrior we all know you can be," For the final time that day, he presses his nose against her forehead; the torbie molly is purring, beaming excitedly at the prospect of becoming an apprentice.

Lightningstar looks into the crowd again; he finally picks out Deerspring, and smiles: "And Deerspring - I would like you to mentor Lizardpaw," he tells the brown tabby, giving her a small purr as she bows her head. She stands, leaving Ivyfur's side to pad through the crowd - she was Otterstream's mother, and Lightningstar has always thought highly of her for her speed and gentle nature.

Deerspring was also the oldest of the other two mentors, and had mentored apprentices before; she'd be able to answer any questions her daughter or Sootwhisker could ask her, and would be able to assist them if they needed her help.

"You've mentored apprentices before, and are one of the most senior warriors of BrackenClan - I know you'll not only guide Lizardpaw, but will be able to assist your fellow mentors with anything they might need." He gives her a nod, and she smiles at him; Deerspring and Lizardpaw touch noses, and Lizardpaw sits next to her new mentor, clearly excited at having such a respected cat teaching her.

The Clan can't help but cheer for the new apprentices once the ceremony is over; cheers for Owlpaw, Newtpaw, and Lizardpaw ring through the hollow, and Lightningstar watches as Cherrytuft can't help but slink forward, sneaking in a few nuzzles for his kittens. Mudfang seems to be waiting for the crowd to die, but there's a warm glow in his eyes at the sight of his first litter becoming apprentices.

Lightningstar smiles warmly at his Clan once more, and dips his head to them. "That's all for now," he tells them, tail flicking. There's not much to say; the crowd begins to disperse, and Lightningstar watches them for a moment, sighing softly.

* * *

Lightningstar develops a bit of a headache a few days later; it's nothing too serious, just an ache behind his eyes, but he decides to go and see Russetshade anyway - it's been a little harder to sleep lately, and he assumes that she might be able to give him something to sleep easier and get rid of the headache.

He pads into the medicine cat's den, settling down at the entrance - Russetshade has always been particular about that. Something about cats barging in and unknowingly stepping on some of her herb supplies or berries, she said.

(Which he may or may not have done years ago as an apprentice….but he definitely was not the first nor the last to do so.)

Russetshade's tail flicks as soon as she makes eye contact with him; she almost huffs, eyes narrowing. "What do you need?" she asks in a tired voice; he looks at her a little closer, and sees that her eyes are dimmer, whiskers hanging a little lower.

 _She must be exhausted,_ he thinks, frowning - he doesn't want to bother his medicine cat, not if she's busy with other things.

"It's not really important," he finds himself murmuring, shaking his head. "I can, uh, come back later, I-"

"No," Russetshade sighs, shaking her head and getting to her paws. "If you need me, you should come to me - what's wrong?" she asks again.

Lightningstar's ears flatten. "A headache," he confesses, blinking slowly. "Not too bad, but it's just been - I haven't been sleeping well lately."

Russetshade narrows her eyes; she murmurs _feverfew_ under her breath faintly, before turning and moving towards her stocks of herbs. "What's been troubling you," she murmurs to him; he almost doesn't hear her, almost doesn't process that it's for him to answer if not for her ear flick and the glance she gives him over her shoulder.

He shuffles his paws, frowning- he doesn't really _know_ the answer, only knows that his sleep has been troubled with murky, hard-to-understand nightmares lately.

"I've just been having….nightmares," he tells her softly.

Russetshade is holding a few leaves in her mouth as she pads back to him; her eyes are slightly confused as she places the feverfew at her paws. "About…?"

Lightningstar's ears flatten. "I don't know," he confesses, taking one of his paws and rubbing his head absentmindedly with it. "It's like…..dark. It's always dark, and sometimes I _think_ I see light - but then I just….it's always nothing," he babbles, knowing he's not making much sense - in his mind, he can see it clear as anything: an inky, dark place where he struggles to find something, someone, _anything_ to latch onto - but there is nothing, only a soft line of light in the distance.

"Hmm," is all Russetshade says; she's looking at her paws, eyes narrowed in concentration, and Lightningstar's ears prick - medicine cats can help with dreams, they know all about them, don't they?

She looks up at him again, whiskers twitching. "What do you feel, during these dreams?" she asks in a soft voice.

Lightningstar's fur prickles in discomfort; he frowns, looking away from the molly and focusing on the walls of her den. The medicine cat den is one of the oldest ones in the Clan - never changing, never having to be rebuilt. The rock walls are sound, strong, and Lightningstar stares at it for a moment more.

"...I feel...scared," he finally tells her, looking back at her. "And it's- it's dumb, I don't ever _see_ anything, but I've. They've just been coming up recently; I hardly ever remember them, and they're not….important," he says finally, looking at his paws again.

Russetshade nudges the feverfew towards him; he looks down at the leaves, before glancing back up at his medicine cat again.

She frowns, ear flicking. "Leaders have nightmares all the time," she finally says. "Patchwind had them, and Crowstar, Gullstar, and Lilystar have them."

Lightningstar's ears flatten. "Oh," is all he can say - he thinks back onto the responsibility of being a leader, protecting so many lives, having to be the voice of the Clan - and he almost wants to sigh in disappointment. Another hurdle he has to go through. "I see."

Russetshade blinks, eyes strangely soft. "They'll only become more frequent when you lose a life," she tells him. "It- StarClan gives a leader gifts, but sometimes they….come at a price. I'm sorry; Patchwind was always secretive about her nightmares. There's not much advice I can give you other than to prepare yourself for them."

Lightningstar sighs; he looks at the piles of herbs on the floor of the den, tracing the forms of leaves and flowers. "I'll be alright," he finally says, glancing back at the ginger tabby. "I mean, I- well, I have _eight extra lives_ , the least I can do is just...deal with some side effects, right?" he asks, trying to be optimistic.

Russetshade gives him a simple shrug. "I suppose," she murmurs, gesturing to the feverfew. "Take these for your headache; let me know if it gets any worse, alright?"

Lightningstar nods, taking the herbs graciously - he beams at her, knowing there's bits of leaves in his teeth.

"Thank you, Russetshade," he tries to purr.

She rolls her eyes goodnaturedly, gesturing towards the entrance of her den. "Go clean your teeth and take it easy," she huffs, and Lightningstar gives her another purr before padding out.

* * *

He's sunning himself with Otterstream when Beestrike pads up to him; his sister has a troubled look on her face and is frowning as she pads up to him, slowly at first, only clearing her throat when she's within a few inches of him.

He blinks, lifting up his head and smiling at her; Beestrike gives him a weak smile back, and settles down in the grass, curling her tail over her paws and frowning.

"I really think you need to address our issues with MossClan at the next Gathering," she finally says; Otterstream trills in alarm, green eyes widening as she looks up at Beestrike. "Mudfang scented more of them at the border this morning; we think it's the same cats doing it."

Lightningstar frowns; he sighs, tail twitching. He's not a confrontational cat; he's always been easy going in nature, and he never tries to stir up fights - fighting leaves a terrible pit in his stomach, and he thinks back onto the battles he's fought in, onto the memories of Foxstorm - and he glances at his paws.

"I can't just _accuse_ Crowstar and his Clan of disrespecting our border," he tells her gently, ears flattening to his head. The thought of confronting the black tomcat, snarling insults and hatred at him without evidence - it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth, and he tucks his paws under his chest. "We don't have...I mean, we've never _seen_ them-"

"I'm with Beestrike on this one," Otterstream interjects, whiskers twitching; she frowns, looking up at Beestrike and then back at Lightningstar. "I mean - we've been scenting them infrequently at our border, and we haven't been able to _do_ anything about it." She doesn't say it unkindly, but Lightningstar catches the implication - he's told his warriors to keep quiet about it, to wait until he's decided on what course of action to take.

Lightningstar sighs. "I don't like fighting cats, you guys know that."

Beestrike makes a soft noise in the back of her throat; it's not a growl, but it's clearly a sign of disapproval - his sister's amber eyes narrow.

"I know you hate confrontation," she tells him slowly. "But- you're not Lightningpelt anymore. You're Lightning _star_ , and we have to show the other Clans that we care about our borders being respected."

Lightningstar nods. "I _know_ , but- I mean, Crowstar's really defensive. I can't just say 'hey, we've been smelling you guys near our border, so what are you going to do about that, you foxheart', he'll-"

"But you _should_ ," Otterstream says, whiskers twitching. "I mean - Lightningstar, if he's really trying to take parts of our territory, or _testing_ your leadership - like, _hazing_ you or something - you need to show him that we're not just going to roll over and let him scratch our bellies."

Beestrike nods, seemingly impressed with Otterstream. "She's right," the golden tabby tells Lightningstar; she frowns again. "I know you hate confronting cats, but we- it should be brought up at the next Gathering, is all I'm saying."

Lightningstar puts his head on his paws, trying to feel the sun rays beating against his fur again - but they seem far away, the warmth on his pelt becoming more and more distant every heartbeat.

"What if he wages a war on us?" he mumbles, looking up at his sister and at his former apprentice. "He did the same thing with Patchwind - and Elmpelt died for it. He's- I don't _hate_ him, but he's defensive, and his Clan is strong - they're more used to slithering around and hiding than even _we_ are. MossClan absolutely crushed CreekClan in their last war - I heard four of Gullstar's warriors died."

Beestrike looks uncomfortable, suddenly; she shifts, eyes unfocused, before looking back at Lightningstar. He doesn't miss it.

Otterstream also seems uncomfortable, but it's easier to pinpoint - the mention of her grandfather, Elmpelt, dying must hit some cord in her. He almost apologizes, until Beestrike speaks:

"I don't want to go to war," she tells him, tail flicking. "But we need to prove that BrackenClan is still strong - that _you're_ a good leader. War is apart of our life - we know that. We all do."

Otterstream nods slowly. "I mean, if that old tom asks for a war just because you're asking him a _question_ ," she begins, a hint of a growl in her voice. "I think that'd speak on how cowardly he really is. Or how much he cares for his ego - either, really."

Lightningstar twitches his ears. "Mmm," is the only verbalization he can make; Otterstream yawns, and excuses herself - says she has to go hunt with Adderstripe now, and there's a gleam in her eyes that almost makes Lightningstar purr - he still thinks her crush on Adderstripe is _adorable_.

"Keep watch of the MossClan border," Beestrike tells the younger molly, nodding at her as she passes; there's a silence that hangs between Lightningstar and Beestrike then, a silence that Lightningstar cannot help but break by asking:

"So what do you need to tell me?" he asks, voice low; he sits up finally, craning his neck to start grooming his thick belly fur. "Like, what's _really_ on your mind?"

She's quiet for a few moments - it takes her a bit to even sigh, and Lightningstar looks up at her questioningly.

"Sorrelnose," she finally says, and Lightningstar's ears prick - a cold worry goes through him, and he swallows the loose fur he managed to groom off of his belly.

"Oh no," he blurts, frowning. "Did you two-?"

"No, we're still mates," she tells him; there's a soft glow in her eyes, and she looks at her paws. "We're great, in fact. Really...it's good," she meows.

"Thank StarClan!" he says, laughing; he frowns again, tilting his head to the side and narrowing his eyes. "Then what's up? Are...I mean, is it about MossClan?"

Beestrike sighs, and then looks around; she gives him a hard stare when she finally meets his eyes again. "Promise me you won't freak out or say anything," she says.

Lightningstar blinks, and curls his tail over his forepaws. "Well, okay, but I don't _really_ know-"

"Sorrelnose is going to be moving into the nursery soon," Beestrike finally says with a soft purr. "It was sort of unexpected, but Russetshade confirmed it for us a few days ago."

Lightningstar's eyes widen, and a joy courses through him - he purrs, but Beestrike's growl makes him quiet down. He can't contain himself - he touches noses with his sister regardless, purring loudly.

"That's _amazing_ ," he tells her, giving her forehead a lick. "I-I mean that's _great_ news, I'm happy for you two-"

"Thank you," Beestrike says with a gentle, almost proud voice; she's smiling for a second, before her face hardens back into a more serious expression. "But- that's why….if MossClan _is_ scouting our territory, if this is Crowstar trying to intimidate you," she says, tail lashing slowly. "that's why I think you need to bring it up - Hollyface is going to have kits soon, and so is Sorrelnose - and leafbare is going to be coming soon. I'm already worried enough as it is."

He suddenly can understand then, of his Clanmates intense worries - in Lightningstar's life, despite his desire to have a litter of his own, he never has had enough of a bond with any of his Clanmates despite fleeting crushes. But he can see it in the way Mudfang speaks about his kits and his worries for them; in the manner his parents were so protective of him and his littermates; when Foxstorm-

"I understand," he says, and he means it; maybe he doesn't understand in the way a father might, but he begins to realize his own...selfishness, once again - he feels guilty again, realizing that his Clan must have been _terrified_ these past moons - and he was….being selfish, choosing to tetter on being _friendly_ rather than protecting his family.

"I'm sorry," he tells her, sighing. "That I was letting my own self interests get in the way; you just - you want a good place for your kits. And I was….I'm sorry."

Beestrike gives him a soft purr; she touches noses with him, and shakes her head. "I'm not mad at you," she tells him honestly. "But we- you have to think about us, about the Clan too - I know you hate confrontation, and you hate battle even more - but you have to think about us, too."

Lightningstar nods, looking around him; he sees Appleclaw and Waspcloud sunning themselves near Sleetdapple, with Appleclaw lovingly grooming Waspcloud's head. Ivyfur and Deerspring are together, curled up with Deerspring's head on her mates shoulder; Mudfang is letting Owlpaw hide under his belly while Cherrytuft grooms Newtpaw and Lizardpaw.

Finally, he spots Sootwhisker padding to Leopardpaw and Robinpaw - the two mollies pad to their parent, with Leopardpaw calling out a _Renny, Renny!_ and licking their muzzle; he suddenly sees it then, families, friends, Clanmates, curled together, enjoying each other - and he gets it, he realizes it.

"I understand," he tells her again.

* * *

That night, he has another nightmare; this time the light is just a little brighter, just a little warmer - he takes a few pawsteps towards it, before something, _someone_ , some voice he cannot place, tells him _no no_ over and over again; he tries running, but there is nowhere to go.

* * *

The day before the Gathering, Lightningstar decides to take a lone patrol to the MossClan border - he slips out of camp with ease and pads confidently through the undergrowth to where their two territories connect.

(Ever since Wrenfoot's death, he's been trying to do this more often; he needs to, he needs to protect BrackenClan from….whatever threat, cat, fox, or badger - anything. The memories of the small tom are almost too much, sometimes.)

He shakes away the memories; Ivyfur's been reminding him to move forward whenever he falters, and he tries to focus on the black tom's gentle voice as he weaves through the bracken and ferns.

The border doesn't smell any different, Lightningstar decides as he nears it; he doesn't want to get too close - there's a thought of MossClan warriors, laying in wake for this exact moment - a BrackenClan cat to get close to their trap. It might be a paranoid, fleeting thought, but he holds onto it as he sniffs the air.

He twitches his tail-tip, and glances towards the forest behind him; there's nothing here to really report, nothing to speed back and declare war on - again, he begins to think of the concept of confronting Crowstar, of perhaps starting a _war_.

He doesn't want to make enemies with Crowstar; he still doesn't know the other three leaders very well, and he doesn't want to make an enemy that will last him for the rest of his long, _long_ life - even if Crowstar is nearing the end of his.

He twitches his whiskers, and he begins to pad from the MossClan border; nothing to worry himself over, he thinks.

There's an odd feeling, a _longing_ that goes through him as he turns - he thinks of SnowClan without meaning to. The border isn't far from here, and his tail twitches as he thinks of a small yet serious, focused face; Littletuft comes into his mind for a reason Lightningstar can't really place.

He pauses; there's….well, there's no _real_ harm in going near the SnowClan border, is there? He thinks of MossClan again, and wonders if he's being hypocritical; having his Clan get so _angry_ at MossClan, when he wants to go so close to the SnowClan border.

Lightningstar shakes his head - there _is_ a difference; Littletuft is his friend, and they've been getting along so well recently. He's been talking to him for a little bit at each Gathering; never too long, for he's busy and Littletuft seems anxious to talk for long periods of time, but he's…. _nice._

Lightingstar smiles; he won't go _too_ close to the border, just close enough to catch sight of Littletuft.

The journey to the other border isn't long, and he makes it there relatively quickly; he pads there, tail held high and a smile on his face. Weaving through undergrowth and constantly sniffing the air to make sure he's not intruding on an enemy patrol or anything of the sort - he pads over, finally reaching the SnowClan border.

There's no scent of Littletuft there, but Lightningstar decides to wait - SnowClan's rolling hills and soft grassy landscape is beautiful to look at, and the tom can't help but smile as he thinks of the other tomcat - Littletuft was nice, and he enjoys his humor. It wasn't everyday that he met a cat from another Clan that he just - that he _clicked_ with in the manner that he did with Littletuft. It feels as though Lightningstar has known him for a long time, and they've only talked for the past few moons - his friendship is already something Lightningstar finds himself treasuring.

Minutes roll by, and Lightningstar becomes impendingly aware at the fact that he shouldn't be sitting here for so long - he realizes rather slowly that perhaps a SnowClan patrol would come by, and he doesn't want to look suspicious or _confrontational_ to them.

He frowns, deciding that he can wait to talk to Littletuft tomorrow night; an odd feeling of loneliness begins to grow in his chest, something that confuses Lightningstar and makes him almost angry - he doesn't _like_ feeling so….sad so randomly.

(Images of Sootwhisker and Foxstorm, or Beestrike and Sorrelnose, of Ivyfur and Deerspring pop into his mind, and Lightningstar's ears flatten in confusion, not knowing what they mean - he has friends in the Clan, friends and family, so…)

He gets to his paws, embarrassed by his own selfish desires once again; he resigns to talking to Littletuft tomorrow, rather than waiting here for the tom to maybe stroll by just for a five minute conversation.

He leads his Clan to the Gathering with pride; behind him, Leopardpaw and Robinpaw begin to help assure Owlpaw, Newtpaw, and Lizardpaw about the Gathering and about certain customs. Lightningstar can't help but purr fondly at the interaction; he remembers that both Leopardpaw and Robinpaw getting to the point where they're close to becoming warriors.

Lightningstar can't help but smile at that - they'll be the _first_ cats he's made warriors if that's the case, and his tail curls in excitement at the idea of giving his nieces warrior names.

Ivyfur pads to his side before they get into the hollow; his deputy gives him a cautious side-ways glance, whiskers twitching.

"Are you ready to….?" he asks slowly, amber eyes twinkling.

Lightningstar knows what he's asking, and he nods slowly; he frowns, tail-tip flicking as he glances at his deputy once again.

"I think so," he answers honestly, shrugging and shuffling on his paws nervously. "I mean, I- I have to do this, I have to ask him about it, you know?" Lightningstar had resigned to asking Crowstar about the MossClan scents before the Gathering started - he doesn't want to make a scene in front of the whole crowd, and he'd much rather get it off of his chest sooner rather than later.

Ivyfur nods, and gives his cheek a small lick of encouragement; it was almost fatherly, and Lightningstar turns to give the other tom a weak smile.

"Thank you," he tells Ivyfur seriously as they pad into the hollow. "For just- for being a good deputy all these moons."

"It's only been about four moons," he tells him with a purr; Ivyfur's eyes twinkle, though, and he nods his head. "But you're welcome. I'm honored to be your deputy, Lightningstar, I really am."

Lightningstar purrs happily; he smiles at his deputy, his _friend_ , and Ivyfur dips his head to him before padding off - he walks with Deerspring to meet some of his old friends, and Lightningstar smiles at them for a moment before continuing.

Only SnowClan and CreekClan are here, Lightningstar realizes with a frown; he sees Gullstar talking to some SnowClan warriors, while Lilystar sits by herself, washing her paw near the Great Rock. He wanted to ask Crowstar about the border right away, to just get it over with - but he supposes it'll have to wait.

"Lightningstar!" the familiar voice makes him smile, and he purrs, finding Littletuft's gaze through the crowd. Some of Littletuft's Clanmates look at him a little oddly, but Lightningstar tries not to focus on it too much - he's never been one to think that leaders should never be approached by another cat.

He tries not to do that with his own Clan; if they need him, they can ask for him, and he'll never try to think he's higher than them, just for his position - Patchwind had never been like that, and that isn't the leadership he wants to have.

"Hey!" he chirps, beaming at the other tom.

Littletuft smiles at him, and they butt heads; Lightningstar had almost reached to lick the other toms cheek, but he didn't want any eavesdropping cats to get the wrong idea - they have to remain a professional appearance around others.

Littletuft is smiling at him; the small tom settles down in front of him, fluffy tail curling over his paws. Lightningstar likes how relaxed, at ease Littletuft seems around him - for everyone else, it seems as though Littletuft has a sharp tongue and bitter words reserved for them if they make a jab at his height or anything else. But Lightningstar starts to see less and less of it as time goes on; it's almost as though the tom is...comfortable around him.

It makes Lightningstar feel special, nice, and he smiles.

"How are you?" Lightningstar asks, purring. "Everything been okay over in your territory?"

Littletuft nods, giving him a purr; his green eyes seem happy, relaxed, and Lightningstar can't help but enjoy the sight of it.

"Everything is going well for us," he tells him. "I'm just - I'm glad to see you, you know? It's been awhile."

Lightningstar nods, understanding him completely - but a thought pops into his head, and he can't help but smile at the white tom.

"Well, I _did_ try and see you yesterday at your border," Lightningstar tells him quietly, voice hardly above a whisper - Littletuft's eyes widen then, and he looks around, frowning. Lightningstar feels confused, until:

"Lightningstar-" Littletuft begins, shaking his head. "That's- you could've gotten in trouble for that, you can't just hang around the SnowClan border!"

Lightningstar's ears flatten, and he frowns, sighing. The reminder of his idiocy is clear, and he shuffles his paws in embarrassment; he knows it was a stupid idea, and he nods silently at the small tom.

"I- yeah, I know, it was _really_ stupid, but I just- I guess I…," he trails off, blinking slowly. "I wanted to see you. That's stupid, I know, you're my friend but- yeah, I. I know, I shouldn't be hanging around the border, I just- it was stupid."

Littletuft's eyes widen a little; there's something in his gaze, something Lightningstar can't really place, and he frowns, leaning forward a bit. Littletuft leans back, and his ears flatten a little.

"That's sweet of you, really," Littletuft tells him softly. "But still - be careful, okay? I don't want you to get in trouble for me."

Lightningstar tries giving him a small, dimply smile. "...you're not too mad at me?"

Littletuft shakes his head, laughing a little. " _No_ \- it was stupid of you, but sweet. Dumb and sweet. Just...be careful, don't do that too much."

Lightingstar nods. "I know - I was just, I was checking the MossClan border, and I thought it'd be cool to see you- but it was dumb, it was something I did on impulse, I guess."

Littletuft purrs, nodding. "Well, next time, just - if you want to talk to me," His voice falters a bit, and he shifts. "...well, uh. If you wanted to talk to me outside of Gatherings, it-"

Murmurs ripple around them; Lightningstar glances over his shoulder without thinking, and sees Crowstar slinking into the hollow. Brownwhisker, his deputy, is at his side; the brown molly murmurs something to him before breaking off. The MossClan warriors seem...odd, secretive; they look around with cautious and shifty eyes, and Lightningstar raises a brow at them.

"Is something up?" Littletuft asks suddenly, narrowing his eyes. "Why is your Clan so….you guys have been so weird around MossClan lately - is something wrong?"

Lightningstar looks back at Littletuft, sighing. He wants to tell him, in the same way he felt compelled to tell the tom about Patchwind and Wrenfoot's death - but something stops him this time, something telling him that perhaps _this_ time isn't the right time to confide in the SnowClan warrior.

He tries smiling to ease the other tom's worries; Littletuft flicks his ear. "I'll tell you after, if everything goes well, okay?"

Littletuft frowns, but nods slowly. Something crosses his gaze then, and he shuffles his paws once again - Lightningstar notices that he does that often, shifts on his paws. He almost tells the tom that he thinks it's a cute habit of his, before Littletuft murmurs:

"You should probably go and...take care of that," he tells him, suddenly seeming a little wary. "I- if you don't want to tell me, I understand - I'm," He glances around, sighing again. "I _am_ an enemy warrior."

Lightningstar blinks; he's been honest with Minnowsplash before about things in BrackenClan, and he doesn't believe in a Clan looking _weak_ in front of others just by sharing information - Beestrike and Foxstorm have always told him how unwise he can be, but he doesn't get it.

"You're my friend," Lightningstar tells him, and that's really all there is to it - Littletuft is his friend, he likes him, and he trusts him. He can never see Littletuft betraying his trust and telling his Clan things about him; perhaps it was naive of him, but his trust runs deep.

Littletuft looks humbled; he smiles for a moment, and just nods, blinking softly. "I'm your friend," he repeats, eyes glowing. He seems like he wants to say something else, but Lightningstar catches sight of Crowstar padding to where Gullstar is - he frowns suddenly, an impending anxiety coursing through him.

He wants to go over and confront Crowstar, to ask him - _demand_ him to tell him - about the scents of his warriors in Lightningstar's territory. Patchwind would have done that; he's confident in this. But he can't carry himself to do it; there is no one but Littletuft looking at him, but Lightningstar still feels as though his Clan, _everyone_ , is watching him.

He looks back to Littletuft, sighing. "Wish me luck," is all he can say, whiskers drooping.

Littletuft frowns, but nods; he glances to where the leaders are, and back at Lightningstar. "Good luck," he tells him, trying to give him a smile - Lightningstar smiles back at him weakly, before getting to his paws.

Padding to where the other leaders sit is….daunting; his paws feel heavy, and he finds himself pausing every few moments - he sees Minnowsplash again, and the silver-gray tabby gives him a hearty headbutt before letting him continue on.

He doesn't know how he can do this; the thought of confronting Crowstar weighs heavily on his mind, and he runs through what he can possibly _say_ for what feels like hours, until-

"Well, now you're here," Crowstar grumbles, rheumy eyes blinking at him. "Now we can start."

Lightningstar's ears flatten, but no sound comes out of his mouth - no _stop, i have to say something first_ or _hey, what in_ starclan's name _are you_ -

He just nods, unable to speak; he hopes none of his Clan sees him now, choked up and silent.

The leaders leap onto the large rock one by one; Lightningstar goes last, feeling his heart pound with every passing minute, his gut twisting uncomfortably.

Gullstar lets out a yowl that silences the chatter below; the hollow falls silent, and Lightningstar can't help but feel as though all eyes are on _him_ , that his Clan is staring at him expectantly, that the stars above - his ancestors, deceased friends and family - are judging him, waiting for him to unsheathe his claws and _really_ take a stand.

But he doesn't; he lets Gullstar speak about CreekClan's past moon - nothing has happened except for an elder passing onto StarClan, in which Lightningstar murmurs his condolences. And Crowstar goes next; Lightningstar's breath is stuck in his throat the whole time, waiting for Crowstar to turn accusingly onto Lightningstar and threaten him for- for _something_ , but he does not; the old tom just rambles about his Clan for a few moments, before stepping back.

Lilystar finally goes; she gives Lightningstar a glance as she passes by, and settles down to speak. Again, not much has happened with SnowClan - she merely shares that her Clan has had a good past moon, nothing more.

Finally, it is his turn to speak; he feels as though the leaders - Lilystar in particular, for she sits closest to him - are waiting for him to _say it_ , to accuse Crowstar of breaking the Warrior Code - and Lightningstar looks down at the gathered cats, at his _Clan_ , and he sees glowing eyes looking back at him.

They're waiting, he realizes, waiting for him to just come out and say it - but he does not. He begins talking about how he named three new apprentices in the past moon, that their Clan is flourishing - he talks about a pregnant molly in the nursery, and the Clan cheers for Hollyface - Beestrike specifically asked him not to share Sorrelnose's pregnancy until both mollies were more comfortable with having others know.

And he almost ends it there, almost finishes the Gathering then - but he looks down, and he sees his warriors - his sister, his parents, Otterstream, Sootwhisker, Ivyfur - looking back at him with a slight narrow of their eyes - and he's reminded once again of the pledge he took that night when he received his eight additional lives.

He thinks of the gifts he received as a leader - his nine lives, the lives that he wanted to use to protect his Clan, his _family_ \- and suddenly something he doesn't understand courses through him. An anger, a protective instinct that he didn't know he possessed begins to bubble up in his chest - he thinks of how the other Clans laughed at him when he first became deputy, of his first Gatherng - making a fool of himself in front of the other leaders - of MossClan and Crowstar, and feeling as though they're _testing_ him, as though they think they can intimidate him and his Clan, and he-

"-but I have something else to report, too," he says suddenly in a voice that doesn't sound like his own; he sounds _angry_ and he doesn't like it, doesn't like this _feeling_ that comes out of him, and- "For the past few moons, we've been...having some _issues_ at our border with MossClan." He finally says, and for a moment, he feels _pride_ \- he finally did it, finally blurted out what he needed to say.

He can see some of his Clan looking a little relieved, others glaring over to some of the MossClan warriors near them - he sees Brownwhisker narrowing her eyes at Ivyfur, only for Ivyfur to proudly raise his head back at her.

Most of all, he hears Crowstar's angry, low growl from behind him; he glances over his shoulder slowly, meeting Crowstar's eyes, and-

-and all of his prior anger, _whatever_ that burst of anger within him _was_ , die out in an instant; the old tom has ruffled fur, and his eyes are narrowed to yellow slits. The silver on his muzzle _glows_ in the moonlight, and Lightningstar feels a fear well in him once he realizes what he's said and done.

"Excuse me?" Crowstar growls, and he gets to his paws; he slinks over to Lightningstar's side, turning to face him.

Despite his age, Crowstar is taller than him; his short black fur is pricked, and despite Lightningstar's relief to see that his claws are still sheathed, it doesn't stop Lightningstar from becoming _very, very_ scared.

"I…," Lightningstar says quietly, trying not to flatten his ears or shrink himself; he doesn't want to look as terrified as he feels.

"No, please _elaborate_ ," Crowstar snaps, tail thumping against the rock. "I'd love to know what you're accusing my Clan of, _Lightningstar._ "

Lightningstar's eyes widen, and he tries looking anywhere other than Crowstar's eyes - it's cowardly, he knows it, but he didn't _want_ -

But somehow, someway, Lightningstar's eyes meet Littletuft's; the small tom is staring at him with wide eyes, but ever so slowly - discreetly, quietly - he nods his head only once. Lightningstar glances at his Clan - and they do something similar, all of them staring up at the Great Rock with a fire in their eyes, a defensive look.

And Lightningstar turns back to Crowstar, takes a breath; he straightens his spine, and finally says: "We've scented your Clan crossing our border," he tells him, eyes narrowed. "We don't know how many, or _who_ , but it's been happening for a few moons now."

Crowstar's eyes narrow, but something seems to cross in them - a shadow of a doubt, a realization, _something_ \- and he blinks, tail thumping a little softer.

"And you waited until _now_ to speak about this," the black tom grumbles, whiskers twitching. "In front of the Gathering crowd, and not discreetly, even - I see that BrackenClan's _golden boy_ follows in the dramatic flair of his predecessors."

Lightningstar doesn't know what _predecessors_ means, but from the way some of the cats below snicker, he guesses it's supposed to be an insult - he sets his jaw.

"I shouldn't have to bring it up at all," he decides to say. "We shouldn't have MossClan scents over our border."

Crowstar narrows his eyes again, ears drawing back ever so slightly - Lightningstar is worried for a moment that the tom might strike him, until he remembers the vow of no battling during full moon.

Finally, Crowstar takes in a deep breath; the tom seems to be trying to calm himself. "I'll check with my Clan to see if your claims are accurate," he tells him, in a voice that is anything but peaceful.

Lightningstar tries to give him something reminiscent of a smile - to let the other tom know he's thankful, glad that he's not….waging war on BrackenClan, but Crowstar just growls at him. Lightningstar is reminded that they are not friends, hardly allies - just two cats with eight additional lives, and a whole group of cats to protect.

The Gathering ends on that note, rather promptly; Lilystar narrows her green eyes at him, but says nothing - she leaves before Crowstar does, leaping onto the forest floor. Gullstar murmurs something to both of them - something of a _please, remember that we all share one valley_ \- before moving down to the grass, shuffling over to say something to Lilystar.

Suddenly, Crowstar murmurs in a low voice to him: "I'm not going to break out into a war so soon into your leadership," he tells him, growling loudly. "which is something you should thank me for." He ends on a quick click of his teeth, and swiftly leaps down the rock.

He doesn't call his Clan - Crowstar merely pads through the sea of cats, and MossClan trails after him, meowing questions at their leader, and all Crowstar does is pad on, keep moving forward, with his Clan following him.

Lightningstar sits on the Great Rock a moment longer; he frowns, and shakes out his fur before leaping down.

He tries to avoid questions from other cats; a CreekClan cat asks him if it was _true_ about MossClan, if they were _really_ \- but he pads forward, feeling more exhausted than he has in the past few moons.

He's hardly looking around or watching where his paws are going until a familiar voice murmurs: "There's a waterfall on the edge of SnowClan's territory - we can meet there soon, I go there almost every night."

His ears prick, and he looks up; Littletuft is already padding away. He looks back at him once, and tells him a soft: "I'll be there." Before padding away, following Lilystar's tall figure.

* * *

BrackenClan seems….proud of him, for his actions - Beestrike smiles at him in a congratulatory manner, Appleclaw tells him how proud she is of him - it seems as though every cat has something kind to say about him.

But Lightningstar feels troubled, upset about the Gathering still; not only for probably humiliating Crowstar and possibly causing tension between MossClan and BrackenClan - but also for his...sudden shift in behavior.

It troubles him into the night; he thinks on it, wondering why he suddenly felt so angry, so protective - he doesn't know, and he feels bothered that his normally unserious, kind exterior had shifted to something so _vengeful_ and angry within an instant.

He decides to take a lone patrol again to clear his head; no one follows him, with Otterstream telling him that she hoped he was okay.

 _I do too_ , he wants to say; he thinks on it for awhile, padding through the territory.

The birds chirp overhead, and the sky is bright - there are some gray clouds that roll through, but Lightningstar thinks it's probably due to leafbare coming so soon. He didn't want to admit it to his Clan when they got back, but he's _glad_ that Crowstar hasn't raged a war on them - it'll be leafbare soon, and he doesn't want to have injured and sick warriors during the season where they'll need help the most.

Lightningstar isn't sure where he is, when he suddenly hears a: "Lightningstar, wait for me."

He turns, and finds himself smiling weakly when Ivyfur pads over - the black tom smiles at him, dipping his head, and slowly touches noses with him once they meet.

"Hey," Lightningstar says in a voice that is not very convincingly happy.

Ivyfur's ear twitches. "It was a rough Gathering," he tells him, and they begin walking again - Ivyfur keeping close to him, ears pricked.

Lightningstar nods. "Yeah," He heaves out a sigh. "I feel stupid, Ivyfur - I just. Something came over me at the Gathering; I was just so _angry_ all of the sudden, and I blurted that out about MossClan - I meant to handle it privately, but I just…"

"You lost yourself for a moment," the older tomcat says, and suddenly it clicks for Lightningstar, then; those were the words he was looking for, the missing pieces - he nods slowly.

"Yes," he says, pausing. "I- yeah, that's….sort of _exactly_ what happened."

Ivyfur nods, and Lightningstar can't help but frown, claws tearing the earth in frustation.

"I'm worried, Ivyfur, I-" He hesitates, looking at his paws. "I don't think I'm...cut out for this. I'm not the leader type."

"Is anyone?' Ivyfur asks, blinking.

"You are," Lightningstar answers confidently, looking away.

Ivyfur is silent for a moment, and he lets out a sigh. "I have common warrior traits - I've been….I've grown into the warrior my parents wanted me to be, the warrior BrackenClan needed me to be," he tells him. "No cat is born a leader."

 _Because no one wants this job_ , he wants to bite back, but he doesn't; he just nods, growing exhausted already.

"I'm always here for you, Lightningstar," Ivyfur tells him seriously, blinking softly. "You're a good cat, and I just- I want to help you. I'm here for you, and I have been ever since you were an apprentice."

Lightningstar gives him a soft smile; despite the fact that their personalities don't always match up, Lightningstar still finds comfort in the tom's advice.

"Thanks," he tells him, butting his head against the tom's shoulder. "You've always been nice to me."

They pause, and Ivyfur smiles at him; he looks over at the scenery surrounding them, and suddenly his whiskers twitch, ears pricking.

"We're awfully close to the MossClan border," the tom tells him, and Lightningstar blinks, taking a sniff of the air - they are, and he frowns.

"I didn't even realize-"

That's when the forest suddenly bursts with life, when the ferns and birds and trees spring to life, rattling from the chaos of it all; three cats burst from the undergrowth, running towards the two of them.

There is no time to think, no time to react - bodies crash into him in the blink of an eye, and Lightningstar finds himself tussling with a brown spotted tabby, hissing in rage as the tom's teeth snap against his belly, claws digging into his side.

"Ivyfur-" Lightningstar calls, embarrassingly almost _wails_ , for - he's trying to turn his head, trying to find Ivyfur, for his deputy can help him, can help him fight this cat off.

But Ivyfur is rolling on the floor, wrestling with two other cats; the black tom is letting out rageful screams that Lightningstar has never _heard_ come from him - his fur is fluffed, and his snarls and yowls of rage are louder than thunder.

Lightningstar tries kicking the tom off of him - he tries remembering what Elmpelt taught him, what Ivyfur taught him in the moon after Elmpelt's death, when he took over his training - but the shock of claws in his stomach, and teeth dangerously close to his neck cause him to draw up a blank.

" _Why_ -?" is all Lightningstar can say; the cats smell of MossClan, and fear pumps through his veins because Crowstar _just_ said they wouldn't-

But Lightningstar hears

feels

and sees

nothing

as fangs sink into his throat.

 _The immediate reaction he has upon waking up in a starry field is_ Ivyfur, where is Ivyfur _, but as he looks around, none of the starry cats - all sitting far from him, as though_ watching _him, judging him and his movements, looking for any faults in his form - belong to any of his living Clanmates._

 _He is shocked for a moment, wanting to ask if he's dead, if he died there, in that clearing, murdered by a MossClan patrol - but suddenly, an older, strong-faced tabby tom pads up to him; Lightningstar's breath catches._

" _Dustheart," he says, instantly remembering the tabby tom - remembering Dustheart in life, and then in death, remembering the life that-_

" _You've lost your first life," Dustheart tells him, voice soft. "I'm sorry; it is never easy."_

" _Ivyfur," he pleads, hoping that Dustheart will understand, will_ see _that-_

" _Your first life….was the life of loyalty, Lightningstar; this is important."_

" _I remember, Dustheart," he almost growls - he needs this process to hurry, for his body to heal, as he's seen happen before - with Patchwind, he remembers the process well - but Dustheart's eyes are sad, regretful._

" _With this strike," Dustheart murmurs, gesturing to Lightningstar's throat - there's a mark there, and for the first time Lightningstar notices it, feels the ache in his throat and the_ pain _, and Dustheart sighs. "You have lost your loyalty."_

 _Lightningstar is hardly listening to the former deputy, despite knowing that he_ should - _he's thinking of Ivyfur._

" _Dustheart, where is-"_

 _The celestial cats around them let out soft mewls; there's something that feels like a rumble, and a breeze rolls past them - Dustheart frowns, bowing his head._

 _He can hear murmuring, can see the gathered cats mewing in what seems like_ pity _, and Lightningstar frowns, trying to see-_

 _Ivyfur is there suddenly; he's not facing Lightningstar, but the stars in his pelt - the faint glow to him, his pelt now a sleek black rather than dusted with silver furs from age - tell him everything that he needs to know._

" _No," is all Lightningstar can say - he looks to Dustheart, and then Ivyfur. "_ Ivyfur! _" he calls - he tries to run, tries to meet his deputy, but Dustheart blocks his path; the brown tabby is not angry, just….sad._

" _You have to take his body back to your Clanmates," Dustheart tells him, voice soft. "You'll go back to BrackenClan, and you must decide your future - I'm sorry, Lightningstar."_

" _I-"_

" _You have lost your first life. Choose how to live your either eight wisely."_

And then he is awake again, laying in a dark clearing, with the body of his deputy and friend a few feet from him, and the sound of his Clanmates crashing pawsteps only foxlengths away.

 **e** _nd_ **o** _f_ **p** _art_ **o** _ne._


	6. twain

**p** _art_ **t** _wo_

" _i want roses set on fire."_

* * *

THERE IS NO NEED FOR EXPLANATION. There are no questions raining down on him, no screaming, no agonizing wails of _why, why, how, who-_

The patrol merely noses Lightningstar to his paws; he can't see who they are, not yet - he thinks he scents Sleetdapple, and there's a gentle tongue running over his cheek that reminds him of Waspcloud - but he cannot see nor process anything. There is a ringing in his ears that is as persistent as the sharp pain in his neck - he feels almost nothing, hears almost nothing.

He hopes that that is how it will stay.

Otterstream and Deerspring are absolutely devastated; both tabby mollies will not leave Ivyfur's body, and Otterstream's lip curls at anyone who gets too close to her or her mother. She is protective, defending him, and Lightningstar cannot blame her - he only watches from Russetshade's den.

That is all he can be right now - an observer, someone who merely watches and does absolutely nothing to help. That's all he ever has been, he thinks; he watched he and Foxstorm's relationship fall apart; he watched Elmpelt grow tired and slow due to his age; he watched Patchwind wither into absolute nothingness.

 _Why am I even leader_ , he asks himself again, and - as he has been this whole day - curses at himself, bites his tongue in anger for thinking of _himself_ , while the body of his deputy, friend, and once-mentor lay foxlengths away.

"StarClan usually heals these wounds," Russetshade murmurs; her voice is tired, sad, and Lightningstar knows she's in mourning. "It's not bleeding anymore; I'll keep it wrapped, and you try not to speak too much."

 _That won't be a problem,_ he thinks bitterly; there's nothing to say, nothing to do.

The Clan scented MossClan at the scene - Ivyfur had clumps of fur in his claws, as does Lightningstar still.

He glances downward; he can see it, clumps of brown tabby fur in his claws. He tries to think back on it, then - on the fight, on a tom on top of him and snapping at his throat - but then he thinks of Ivyfur's snarls, of his deputy defending his life, only to-

Lightningstar shudders, looking away.

"You should go sit with Otterstream and Deerspring, when you're able," He jolts, almost forgetting that Waspcloud was there; his father had insisted on coming to sit with him. Lightningstar turns, seeing his father's ginger-and-white face taunt with worry and grief. "They….the Clan wants answers, of course, but for right now - I think they need a family friend with them."

His throat hardly hurts anymore; Russetshade had mentioned that a leader's killing wounds heal quicker than most. Something about the nine lives and all that.

Lightningstar can only numbly nod; Waspcloud nuzzles his side, just as he did when he nursed Lightningstar and his littermates. He longs to be that young again, to curl into his father's side and hide between his brother and sister.

It feels like hours before he can get to his paws; he stands, off balance at first - Waspcloud comes to his side, murmuring encouragements to him. Russetshade merely watches, orange eyes dim and sad - Waspcloud leads him out of the den.

* * *

Ivyfur's funeral was…..excuritating, difficult; Lightningstar had a hard time going near his body. Neither Deerspring nor Otterstream hissed at him, neither spewed anger and disgust at him - they merely watched, eyes sad, with Otterstream burying her face into her mother's neck fur.

Russetshade had to perform most of the ceremony for him; no cat objected, no cat snarled out disbelief at Lightningstar's silence.

BrackenClan merely sat, listened, and silently said goodbye to the tomcat many of them had known since kithood - one of the most senior warriors, their deputy, a cat everyone deeply respected.

It was different than Patchwind - the Clan knew she was going to die, they all had time to say their goodbyes and cope. Wrenfoot was hard as well - the small tabby was a friend, a warrior, but he had died valiantly to protect a Clanmate.

Ivyfur was murdered. Plain and simple. No goodbyes, no warnings, no valiant death.

Just a stiff body buried underneath a meadow.

* * *

There's no time to choose another deputy - after the funeral, the Clan thirsts for justice, for an answer.

MossClan's involvement was simple - that much was for certain; their scent was all over the clearing, Ivyfur's body held traces of it, and Lightningstar confirmed it to his warriors.

The questions of _why_ -

("Maybe Crowstar _wanted_ this to happen - maybe he planned this, as revenge for us embarassing him at the Gathering-" "No, no Crowstar isn't that _cruel,_ he'd _never_ -"_

-and _how_ the Clan would cope-

("Lightningstar….he's a new leader, and he's _already_ lost a life - that's rare, isn't it?" "Nevermind that - how can any cat replace Ivyfur? He knew how to be a deputy; he was born for the role - there was no cat who was shadowing in his place, it's all happening so soon, we don't have enough _time_ -")

-are the only things on his mind; it's hard for him to find a way to guide them, to help them with their anger, their rage - he is feeling so much of it himself, anger boiling underneath his pelt at the _memory_ of it all.

But he has to be a leader, he reminds himself, trying to take a deep breath; he has to be a leader, has to guide his Clan - he can't….dilly dally. They want answers - and he has to get them himself, to understand _why_ in StarClan's name this even _happened._

MossClan was a prideful bunch, but they were never the type to do something so cruel - to flare their ranks and intimidate was a tactic, but outright murder? Impossible, almost unheard of - the death of a deputy and taking one of a leader's life is a crime unheard of for any Clan.

And Lightningstar buries his nose under his paw, shutting his eyes at the memory of StarClan - of Dustheart's words, trying to _think_ on what they meant - he should ask Russetshade, he knows he should, but the will to do so is almost lost on him.

He wants nothing more than to curl in his den and sleep forever, to never wake and never have to appoint another deputy. To never lead again.

"Lightningstar?" His eyes snap open, and he frowns as he hears the tentative, exhausted voice coming from the mouth of his den; he already knows it's Deerspring, and guilt and grief naws at him.

"Yeah?" he mumbles, shutting his eyes again in anger at his informality - despite his grief, his depression, the day is still young, and he'll have to appoint another deputy by nightfall - or, confront MossClan, or help his Clan with their grief - the list is long, daunting, and he blinks up at the tabby. "I'm sorry - what do you need?" he tries to be gentle, soft; she's going through so much.

Deerspring's eyes are dim as she stands before him; the lanky tabby merely sighs, tracing the form of his den, as though searching it for something - someone, perhaps.

"He told me that he knew he wasn't going to succeed you," Deerspring murmurs softly, blinking at him. "He was older, and he knew- well, he told me that he knew he'd have to take a younger cat under his wing at some point, shadow them in deputy duties to prepare them for…." she trails off then, blinking slowly. "Many leaders choose a senior cat as their first deputy. The cats who can help them most."

Lightningstar blinks, almost confused; he knows this, and he's not sure what Deerspring is trying to tell him - is she trying to tell him not to feel guilty? Or to blame him?

His ears flatten, waiting for the bite to come; it's not in her nature, but grief twists a cat - he knows it well. He worries for the sudden snarl, for her to blame him, berate him for asking Ivyfur to be his deputy - but it never comes.

"I don't hate you," she tells him, slowly, as though reading his thoughts. "I don't even blame you - not for the Gathering, not for Ivyfur's death. He died nobly - he protected you in his last moments. That's all he'd want to do - die for a friend."

Lightningstar looks at his paws; he feels improper, disrespectful for still being curled in his nest, while Deerspring stands before him - but right now, he feels young, like an apprentice again, too lazy to get up to do his duties.

 _Perhaps that's all I am,_ he thinks. _Just...a lazy kit. Maybe I always was._

"I'm so sorry, Deerspring," Lightningstar finally blurts, meeting her eyes for the first time - she frowns, sadness and compassion - somehow, despite her grief, her loss, compassion still - glowing within them. "I'm so sorry, it's- I-"

Deerspring comes forward; she curls up against him, nuzzling him gently, as though he were her kit; he's always had a professional relationship with her as a family friend, and the mentor of her daughter, but- but now he allows her to nuzzle him, resting his head against her.

"Shhh," the molly murmurs, licking his ears. "No more of that. No justice, nothing _good_ will come out of you and I grieving in our dens for him - that's not what we need to do." Her voice is gentle, soft, but there is something else there too - a silent rage, anger bubbling beneath the surface - Lightningstar is terrified it's at him at first, but slowly realizes, _remembers_ , who the real enemy is.

"We need to go to MossClan," she tells him in a low voice; it's not commanding, nor threatening - she says it as though it were a fact. "Crowstar needs to know about this, and we need to - _I_ need to - know what happened. Confront them."

Lightningstar blinks, nodding against her shoulder; he's too tired to protest, to question - he knows she's right, and they need to sort this out, or at _least_ bring it to attention - before the night ends. Before the next deputy is cast, the old one must be avenged properly; it's a silent rule.

"Can you go?" she asks, gesturing to the scar on Lightningstar's neck; it's raw still, and sometimes a sharp pain will go through him when he turns his head a certain way, but - StarClan has healed it rapidly, and he's in a much better position than other cats who have faced the same injury.

He nods; Deerspring looks past him.

"I want to go with you," she murmurs, shutting her eyes. "I want- I _need_ to go. Otterstream and I….we need answers, just as the rest of the Clan does."

Lightningstar doesn't take too long to think on it; he knew Deerspring would want to go, but there's a nagging thought in his mind, some sort of entity that tells him-

"Otterstream shouldn't go," he meows, closing his eyes. "She's….she won't be able to be calm about this. You know how she is."

Deerspring's ears flatten; she doesn't look _angry_ , merely sad. "Ivyfur is her father," she reminds him, blinking. "I want Otterstream to stay here, with her friends and family, but- Ivyfur is her father, and she's got the right to be angry about his death."

Wordlessly, Lightningstar nods; she's right, and he knows better than anyone that Otterstream deserves to be angry, hateful, about Ivyfur's death - but regardless, they cannot be vengeful or spew hatred at MossClan when they visit. They need answers, not a battle - not yet, at least.

(The concept of _battle_ and facing another leader head on terrifies Lightningstar; he's only been leader for short of some moons, and he's not ready to face an _entire Clan_ on a battlefield. He can't - he won't.)

"I understand," he says, resting a little heavier on Deerspring's side.

* * *

In the end, the cats that Lightningstar decides to bring with him are Deerspring, Mudfang, Appleclaw, and Sleetdapple - only senior and experienced cats. Otterstream had been _fuming_ when Lightningstar told her that she wasn't to go-

( _"He's my_ father _, and you're just going to- you're letting my mother go, but not me? I thought you were my_ friend _, Lightningstar!_

" _Please, Deerspring and I - it's best that you stay here. We need to speak to Crowstar about this, not fight him-"_

" _Well damn him! Damn all of them, I'm-"_ )

-and his ears flatten as he thinks back on it, praying that his relationship with his former apprentice and friend won't be ruined - he cares for her as deeply as he does Beestrike, and her hating him is something that he finds himself frowning over as the patrol pads through BrackenClan territory.

Appleclaw had insisted on coming; his mother didn't want him to go alone, knowing he perhaps needed her assistance and love to help him get through this - and he does, he thinks as he leans against her side.

Mudfang and Deerspring pad together; they're littermates, Lightningstar dully remembers as he watches the normally gruff Mudfang lean over to lick his sister's ear in a comforting gesture. Deerspring, Cherrytuft, his kittens, and Otterstream were perhaps the only cats who ever got to experience the softer side of Mudfang - every other cat (Lightningstar included) always got grumbles and growls.

 _She needs him right now,_ Lightningstar thinks, leaning against Appleclaw a little more. _Just like I need Appleclaw - family is….important, and all that._ They don't really feel like _his_ thoughts - just things he has to think of in order to get himself through this.

"I've been to MossClan's camp once - it was a long time ago, but they're very protective of their hollow," Sleetdapple says; Lightningstar has almost forgotten that she was there, and she looks over to the older molly. Her orange eyes are focused, steely. "And we- well, this time we're on guard. If it really was only three warriors as Lightningstar said, I doubt this was a planned attack from Crowstar."

Appleclaw nods. "You said so earlier," she murmurs thoughtfully. "But my fur's still on edge - if they even _think-_ "

"-we won't stop you from getting your revenge," Sleetdapple tells the younger molly cooly; her ear twitches, and she seems to have accepted that Appleclaw will, quite literally, tear into _anyone_ who attempts to attack Lightningstar again.

The thought should be comforting, and in some ways it is - but in others, it makes Lightningstar think of feuds spanning decades, of his family and friends and Clanmates having to rehash the same battles and same war due to something that happened season's upon seasons before.

He doesn't want anyone else to die for him, or _because_ of him.

He's silent the whole time; Appleclaw is at his side throughout the journey through the forest, and he can hear Mudfang's angered growls from behind him. Normally, Lightningstar thinks, Deerspring will usually have hushed her brother by now - but the molly is quiet, extremely so.

Lightningstar's ears begin to drawback as the patrol crosses the MossClan border - there is no turning back now. His patrol is bent on revenge if anything - even the smallest of slights - were to occur; he knows Appleclaw and Mudfang will be hard to hold back.

They only get about four foxlengths from the border before they encounter MossClan cats; it's a small patrol, made up of about four cats, but they fan out intimidatingly, a black-and-white molly heading the patrol.

She narrows her yellow eyes at them, taking in Lightningstar - his haunched form, his ruffled fur, and her stare lingers on his raw neck wound - before growling out a: "Is there a reason for this?"

Another cat - a black molly - hisses at them, while the tortoiseshell tom standing next to her looks at them thoughtfully; Lightningstar can't help but feel self-conscious as their gazes linger on his neck wound.

"We need to speak to Crowstar," Sleetdapple says smoothly; the dappled gray molly pads to the head of the patrol, eyeing the other molly. "We have our leader with us - we're not an attack patrol."

Mudfang growls from behind Lightningstar; Lightningstar catches a low: _"Unlike some."_ Deerspring does not hush her brother.

The black-and-white molly frowns. "You couldn't wait near the border?" she asks, suspicion in her tone; Lightningstar understands it at first, knowing that this is a terribly unusual procedure - but his patience runs out rather quickly, and he can't help but step forward, leaving Appleclaw's side.

"It involves the death of my deputy," he growls, frightening himself - he tries not to be so confrontational, he hates fluffing himself up like this - but Ivyfur's memory is raw on his mind, and his eyes narrowed at the shocked faces of the MossClan patrol. "So no, I don't think this is really a waiting matter."

The black molly growls again, although it's much more nervous than earlier. "What do _we_ have to-"

"Regardless of whether you know or not," Deerspring suddenly says, speaking for the first time since the patrol headed out of camp. She smoothly pads to the head of the group, standing next to Lightningstar - her orange eyes glow with a quiet flame. "I don't think the appropriate response to the death of a Clan deputy is trying to defend yourself. We need to speak to Crowstar - that's final."

Lightningstar's ears prick, almost frightened of her steady, angry voice; her grief must be _unimaginable_ , and he would be more terrified if he didn't know the circumstances behind it. He finds himself sharing it; his gaze slides from Deerspring, and looks to the MossClan patrol - they're more quiet, more thoughtful.

The tortoiseshell tom nods, glancing towards the older black-and-white molly. "We'll take you to Crowstar, of course," he says with a soft voice; the black-and-white molly nods as well.

The patrol begins to head off, and the dappled tom falls back near Deerspring - Deerspring's fur rises, and Mudfang begins to pad forward to his littermates side, eyes narrowed, but Lightningstar hears a soft: "I'm sorry to hear about your deputy, by the way, I know he was-"

"Yes, he was," Deerspring interjects, voice clipped; Lightningstar isn't sure what the tortoiseshell tom was going to say Ivyfur was, but from the dark look in Deerspring's eyes, he knows that the molly doesn't want to speak with her mate - not with the Clan who was responsible for his death, anyway.

"Thank you, Toadpelt," Sleetdapple murmurs from behind Lightningstar - the tortoiseshell MossClan warrior nods, and Mudfang murmurs something under his breath again, probably something to do with being _kind_ to the MossClan cats.

( _"I don't want a fight, and I don't want to be cross with them at first - we don't know the circumstances, and the more we talk over it- well, it doesn't_ seem _like it was an attack from the whole Clan. Why attack only two of our cats, why only three warriors? Why risk it? It doesn't seemed planned, and it's unusual for Crowstar."_

" _We're not going to just_ roll over _and let MossClan knead our bellies, Sleetdapple, we should be-"_

" _We don't want anymore cats to die, Mudfang. Lightningstar said we need to be cautious, and I'm agreeing with him - not everything is a challenge. We have a Clan to worry about."_ )

MossClan's territory is foggy and muddy, Lightningstar realizes as they head further inside of it; as their namesake contends, their territory is filled with an overabundance of moss and lichen, to the point where Lightningstar wonders if it's considered an infestation. It's oddly pretty, in a way, and Lightningstar's ears flatten when he thinks that he wishes he could've experienced these sights under...better circumstances.

 _Your deputy and friend was killed and you're thinking about moss,_ he thinks, tearing his eyes away from the foliage around him. _Stupid._

It doesn't take them long to get to MossClan's camp - the scent of other cats is overwhelming, and fear begins to go through Lightningstar, worrying about an attack - this was dumb, wasn't it? Is he leading his friends, his mother, to death, just because he's worried of confrontation, just on an _idea_ he might have had-

But Toadpelt pads forward, nodding to the black-and-white molly: "Let's try to keep cats from asking too many questions, Swiftnose, we don't want the Clan crowding them."

Swiftnose nods back, yellow eyes unreadable as she glances behind her at Lightningstar. "Our Clan is a bit ruffled with yours right now. Excuse them if they prod too much."

Lightningstar nods, finding that to be understandable - he tries to imagine himself in their position, of maybe Crowstar or Lilystar padding into his own camp - but then he thinks of Ivyfur again, of his stiff body, and his eyes narrow.

Wordlessly, they pad closer to the hollow - two cats are standing guard, and Lightningstar watches as Swiftnose pads forward, meowing at them instantly.

"At ease, at ease," she meows, whiskers twitching. "They're here to speak to Crowstar - nothing more, nothing less."

Lightningstar blinks, at first trying to make out what they're saying - but then a scent hits his nose, utterly familiar, and his fur begins to rise in anger and- and in slight _fear_ too, because the memories come back, and his eyes narrow.

"Are one of them one of the cats who-?" Appleclaw whispers, glancing nervously at Deerspring and Mudfang; neither one of the tabbies are looking their way, but Lightningstar knows his mother doesn't want to alert them.

"I think so," Lightningstar mutters back, voice steely and so unlike himself. "The-the brown-and-white tom. Him. I think he was there."

He wasn't the cat who had attacked Lightningstar - that was a different tom. Lightningstar struggles to place names on faces, trying to remember MossClan's warriors - but the memories are fuzzy and recent events weigh in more heavily.

"Duckfoot," Appleclaw murmurs, eyes narrowed to near slits. "That's his name. He's- that's Brownwhisker's nephew, I think. Rather shy tom - why would he…" His mother's eyes are angry, her fur ruffling just a bit more, and Lightningstar is almost fearful of her - Appleclaw's reputation as a tough and near ruthless fighter has always preceded her.

"I don't know," Lightningstar murmurs in a way that reminds him of his kithood - when Waspcloud or Appleclaw would ask him or one of his littermates _now why did you do that, why would you do that, Lightningkit?_ and he'd mumble out a soft _I dunno, mama, I didn't mean to._ It's unbecoming of a leader, and he tries to straighten himself, tries to let his fur go flat.

(He wonders how, _why_ a cat would just kill another for almost no reason - regardless of being from a different Clan, regardless of anything. Why murder, why hurt? Why?)

Toadpelt gestures for them to follow, and they do; Lightningstar has to flick his tail against Appleclaw's side when his mother growls at Duckfoot as they pass - the gesture does not go unnoticed by Deerspring. Her eyes look questioningly at the brown-and-white tom, and slide back to Lightningstar; she's fierce, angry, and if he didn't know her, he'd be _terrified_ of her.

Thankfully, she does not say anything nor attempt to question Duckfoot - she merely follows them inside, her jaw clenched.

Crowstar is slithering out of his den in an instant - another cat on the patrol must have slipped through the entrance before the BrackenClan cats came forward and told him what was happening.

The old black tom pads before them, eyes narrowed to slits as he stands before Lightningstar.

"What's the meaning of this?" he asks, ear flicking.

Lightningstar blinks, trying to keep his composure - one part of him wants to snarl, wants to shout at Crowstar and tell him that he should very well know why they're here - but the more rational part of him, the part that he clings to is reminding him that he doesn't want to cause a fight, doesn't want to attack the Clan.

(This rational part caused near riots in BrackenClan soon after Ivyfur's death - everyone wanted to attack despite not knowing what had happened.)

"I think this is something we should discuss in your den, or at least somewhere more private," he meows, glancing around him at the gathering MossClan cats. They're all on edge, all suspicious, and Lightningstar frowns.

Crowstar's eyes narrow, and he glances behind Lightningstar - possibly at the patrol. He finally looks back at Lightningstar and, very slowly, nods.

"Alright then," he tells him, tail-tip twitching. "Somewhere more private."

Lightingstar tries to muster out a thankful nod, but it comes out short - Crowstar doesn't question him, and they pad forward towards the MossClan leaders den in silence; Lightningstar's patrol follows behind them, despite the whispers of the gathered MossClan cats.

They pad into Crowstar's den together; it's a cave carved inside of the walls of the hollow where the MossClan camp is. It's bigger than Lightningstar's, but darker and much more private - lichen and mushrooms line the entrance of the den, shadowing it from any onlookers.

Crowstar gives a pointed look at the BrackenClan warriors, nose twitching. "I don't see how four extra cats is necessary for a meeting."

Deerspring's eyes narrow, and she frowns. "Your patrol told you why we're here, right?"

Crowstar blinks at her informality. "Yes, and-"

"-so you know that it would be wise for at least one of us to come with you two." She finishes, orange eyes narrowed; Lightningstar is both taken aback and admires her anger.

Crowstar's eyes narrow at Deerspring, and he opens his mouth to say something - but then recognition glows in his eyes, as if remembering who Deerspring is, what ties she has - and he blinks, nodding somberly.

"Yes, fine, alright," the tom murmurs, nodding. "But only you, Deerspring - I will let your warriors stand outside my den."

Appleclaw, Mudfang, and Sleetdapple nod, but Lightningstar can see the protective glow in Appleclaw's eyes - his mother wants to be there with him, to protect him, but a simple shake of his head causes her to nod back. She glances at Mudfang, whose orange eyes narrow as his sister pads after Crowstar - but Lightningstar tries to catch his gaze, tries to let him know that he'll protect Deerspring if need be.

(He _has_ to - he can't let this happen again, can't let someone else-)

He, Crowstar, and Deerspring make their way into the den - Crowstar settles down near his next, fixes them with his yellow stare, and finally says:

"I'm sorry to hear about Ivyfur," he tells them, voice surprisingly soft. "He was a good warrior, very thoughtful. He was a good cat."

Deerspring makes a noise in the back of her throat; Lightningstar looks to the molly, worry in his eyes, before she glances over at Lightningstar. Her gaze is serious, stony, and it tells him one thing - _get to the point, before I lose myself._

Lightningstar gulps, looking back to Crowstar; the memory of the previous Gathering resurfaces, and he tries to find any of the courage he had felt before. But he's tired, sad, and overwhelmingly exhausted and cannot find it.

Instead, he just meows: "We were attacked by three of your warriors," he tells the tom, breathing in through his nose. Crowstar's eyes widen in shock. "Ivyfur died to protect me; he gave his life for mine."

It's all that he needs to say, he thinks, and Crowstar blinks slowly - he looks to Deerspring, and then to Lightningstar, and frowns.

"I don't understand," it doesn't sound like he's speaking to Lightningstar; the shock on his face, the way in which Crowstar looks down, shaking his head, lets Lightningstar know that this is a total surprise to him - he really _didn't_ know. It wasn't planned. "Are you sure?"

"MossClan scent was all over the area," Deerspring says lowly, voice quiet - she's obviously struggling to be polite. "And we want - we _need_ \- to ask you to punish those responsible. One of Lightningstar's lives were taken, and my ma- Ivyfur was killed."

Crowstar's tail swishes once, curling around his paws; he's shaking his head, clearly still in utter disbelief.

 _I'd be too_ , Lightningstar finds himself thinking as he glances off, finding somewhere else to place his stare. _If three of my warriors, three of the cats I swore to protect, murdered a deputy and… I'd be really upset, too._

"Do you know who?" Lightningstar looks back; Crowstar is fixing them with a narrowed stare again, blinking. "If what you're saying is true, and you can tell me who - if they confess to this, I promise you, they will be punished to the fullest extent."

Lightningstar blinks gratefully; he expected a fight, for Crowstar to demand evidence, for him to kick Lightningstar out of his den - but he seems….to have accepted it. Lightningstar finds it odd, almost, but then he blinks, trying to think:

"Duckfoot," Lightningstar says, shutting his eyes for a moment. "He was- he was there, I remember seeing him. I don't um...I don't remember the other two, but I-"

Crowstar's eyes darken; he narrows them, and his tail lashes, silencing Lightningstar. "Stay here."

Lightningstar blinks, and looks to Deerspring - but the older molly is merely glaring at the mouth of the den, completely still, and eyes hauntingly dark.

Crowstar's frail form disappears for a moment; they can see his tail-tip, and watch it twitch back once, twice, three times as he speaks to someone outside of the den.

It's only a few moments later until Crowstar backs up, turning and sitting back down; he looks at Deerspring and Lightningstar again with narrowed eyes.

"I'm not saying I don't believe you," he says to them, very slowly. "But if you're lying-"

"We wouldn't _lie_ about this," Deerspring interjects darkly despite herself.

"-then I would take it as another _severe_ slight against my Clan." He finishes, eyeing Deerspring; Lightningstar can't bring himself to shush her, and he supposes that Crowstar can't either - she's obviously grieving, angry, and she has every right to be.

"Ivyfur was my friend," Lightningstar begins, closing his eyes for a moment. "He was my mentor after- he was a friend, and a good deputy. I wouldn't use his death as a _gotcha_ against your Clan - I just...want him to be at peace," he tells him, sighing. "So we can move on."

Crowstar nods slowly. "I understand," he says in a soft voice, and for a moment, Lightningstar really thinks he does - he blinks, looking up at the other tom, and there is something akin to….empathy in his eyes. " _A Clan cannot move on after the death of a deputy or leader without avenging the previous one_ \- I know it well."

Lightningstar nods, and then finally, shadows begin to cross the entrance of the den - a brown head pops through, and Lightningstar recognizes Crowstar's deputy, Brownwhisker.

The brown molly narrows her eyes, looking behind her and then back to Crowstar; she pads through the den, followed by Duckfoot and two other toms.

Instantly, Lightningstar recognizes the last cat - the spotted brown tabby who had attacked him, who'd taken one of his lives. He wouldn't forget him anywhere.

Brownwhisker settles down next to Crowstar; she looks pointedly at the three tom cats.

Crowstar clears his throat, throwing a glance towards Lightningstar before speaking: "Lightningstar and his deputy were attacked in their territory last night," he tells them, voice low. "His deputy, Ivyfur, was killed."

The brown spotted tabby tom blinks at Crowstar, and his tail swishes out once. "Very tragic," he says with a voice so uncaring, so _smug_ , that Lightningstar almost gets to his paws.

Deerspring tenses beside him, though, and he finds himself pressing against the molly a little more - he needs to control himself for her. She can't launch an attack on them, no matter how justified it'd be.

"Lightningstar also says," Crowstar continues with a tense, stoic voice. "That it was three of our warriors. And he named you, Duckfoot-" Brownwhisker's eyes immediately land on her nephew; Lightningstar almost pities her when he sees the disappointment shining in them. "-and it's not hard to guess that Pinetail and Thrushfur were with you. The three of you have been causing issues for moons."

Lightningstar blinks, and suddenly it makes sense - these three toms must be the ones who had been coming into BrackenClan territory for moons, they must've done it without Crowstar's knowledge. Perhaps Crowstar had talked to them, said something, and-

Thrushfur blinks, and looks to the other two toms. "I think that's a pretty harty thing to accuse us of, Crowstar," he says, shaking his head. "Where's our trial? Did you visit the scene? Where's the body? Why bring a silly patrol here - if we had _really_ killed someone, a _deputy_ , wouldn't Lightningstar bring all of his forces here?"

And _that_ does it; Lightningstar's calm facade drops, and he hisses. "Are you _really_ trying to worm your way out of this accusation, when I _know_ that you-"

Thrushfur's amber eyes meet Lightningstar's, and the tom hisses - but the memories, the almost _fear_ that goes through Lightningstar when he thinks back onto being attacked, having teeth at his throat - it was so unlike any battle he'd ever been in. It was random, it was cruel, it was….senseless.

"I just think you and your Clan want to bully us into submission," Thrushfur growls; for the first time, Lightningstar notices the other two cats - Duckfoot and Pinetail - looking notably disturbed and confused at the other tom's reaction. "It's pretty obvious from the last Gathering that you're taking one look at Crowstar's fragile age and thinking-"

"That is _enough_ ," Crowstar snarls suddenly, in a voice much more threatening and powerful than Lightningstar has ever heard come from the black tomcat. Suddenly, he can see why Crowstar has always been such an effective leader; Crowstar stands, fur rising, and looms over the younger tom. "My fragile age, hm?"

Thrushfur is on his belly, ears back, but he looks defiantly at his leader; he looks over to Lightningstar, then to Deerspring, and back up at Crowstar.

"You're old, old as the dirt we _shit_ in," Thrushfur snaps back, eyes narrowed. "And perhaps the Clan has grown weary of us going along with everything _you_ want."

Brownwhisker's fur stands up, and she hisses. "He's our _leader_ , Thrushfur!" the molly says, shaking her head. "And Duckfoot - is this true? Did you three- did you take your loose understanding of _justice_ into your own paws and commit such a crime?"

And to Lightningstar's utter surprise, Duckfoot lets his head hang down, and tom actually _shakes_ ; he nods slowly.

"We wanted to-"

" _Duckfoot!_ " Thrushfur hisses, eyes ablaze.

"So it's true," Crowstar says slowly, leaning back; his fur begins to lie a little flatter now, but not all the way down. His eyes are dark, horrified. "Three of my warriors. Decided to…"

The blue-gray tom - Pinetail - looks as ashamed as Duckfoot; he glances down at his paws, and shivers.

"We didn't want to kill anyone," the tomcat says, very slowly. "Or at least - well _I_ didn't. But he- the tomcat-"

" _Ivyfur_ ," Deerspring says suddenly; her fur is fluffed up, and her eyes are wide and sad and somehow _ignited_ with pure rage. "His name was _Ivyfur_. You better - you _need_ \- to remember his name for as long as you live."

Pinetail shivers; his green eyes are sad, and he nods very slowly. "I-Ivyfur. We didn't mean to- it was supposed to be intimidation, to uh...to. _Get them back_ , as Thrushfur said it."

" _Get them back_ ," Lightningstar echoes, suddenly finding himself more...sad and tired than anything else. _Get them back_ \- it wasn't a cold attack to murder all of BrackenClan, one by one. Ivyfur wasn't supposed to die. It was simply three young warriors wanting to _get them back_ for a Gathering slight.

Thrushfur is shaking his head slowly, and he looks up at Crowstar again, tail slashing against the sandy floor of the den.

"MossClan is _laughed_ at by the other Clans," he says with a snarl, ears back. "We're looked at as _fungi_ , everyone sees us as a _joke_ \- they find you overbearing and temperamental, and us to be the same. Our territory is the smallest, and so - for my _Clan_ \- I decided to test out new borders. Fine, we went into BrackenClan's territory - like that's the _worst_ crime this Clan has committed under your rule."

Crowstar's whiskers twitch only once. "I'd say that the murder of a deputy and taking a leader's life is probably the worst and most _stupid_ thing one of my warriors has done in my time as leader," he tells them, voice low. "What were you three _thinking_ \- you thought that I was going to promote you for this?"

"That you would be _deputy?_ " Brownwhisker interjects, searching her nephews face.

Duckfoot is still staring at his paws, shaking slowly.

"This Clan needs to start taking what is _ours_ and needs to prove ourselves," Thrushfur says again.

Crowstar's eyes narrow, and he hisses again, tail smacking against the floor. "You're _foolish_ , a child still," he snarls, shaking his head. "You killed another cat for absolutely _nothing_. You accomplished nothing, your plan was laced in idiocy - and now your life is ruined, and BrackenClan is forever scarred. You have done nothing but damage our reputation as a Clan, and took a life."

Duckfoot makes a soft noise; Lightningstar almost pities him as he watches him lean against Pinetail - who has remained stoic, stone-faced - but then he remembers Ivyfur, and cannot bring himself to pity him.

Thrushfur's eyes widen, and then narrow. "Leafbare is coming-"

"-and you'll have to survive on your own in the frost, without my 'weak' Clan to support you," Crowstar snarls. "You're exiled. The three of you are to leave this territory after I announce it to the Clan. It's without a doubt the punishment you deserve."

Pinetail makes a noise; the blue-gray tom looks shocked, almost as though he never expected it, and Duckfoot is burying his face in his shoulder, shivering against him.

Thrushfur _laughs_. "Exile? You can't-"

"He just did," Brownwhisker says cooly, orange eyes narrowed. Finally, she turns to Duckfoot, staring at the brown-and-white tom. "Duckfoot, I don't know what to say to you. Where to _begin_."

"I'm sorry, Auntie, I just-"

"You did something incredibly stupid and _wrong_ ," she says, shaking her head. "I can see that you and Pinetail seem to have some form of _regret_ and _remorse_ about this - but regardless. The damage done is too severe for us to overlook."

"I'm sorry," Duckfoot says again, shaking his head. "I-"

"I don't think I'm the one who needs you to apologize," Brownwhisker growls, shaking her head. She looks to Deerspring then, and there's something sad in her eyes; she looks at Deerspring with pity, and regret.

Deerspring gets to her paws, though, and takes only one step forward; she's looking at the three toms levelly, blinking slowly.

"I won't forgive any of you," she begins. "That is out of the question, I will not spare my feelings for three murderers. Instead, I simply- I need to know if you regret it. Simple as that. As Ivyfur lay, dying in the grass - did _any_ of you regret it?"

Her gaze flits over the three of them, and Lightningstar merely watches, too stunned and _exhausted_ to do much of anything else.

Pinetail nods slowly. "I did," he tells her, voice soft and shaky. "When- I was lost in the fight, and I….I did. When it happened, I-" He stares at his paws, and then looks back at Deerspring. "I regret it, and I've regretted it the whole day. I'll never...I can't forget his face. I'm sorry."

Deerspring blinks slowly, and shakes her head. "What you did was murder, simple as that," she tells him, shrugging. "And you and your friends will live with that for the rest of your lives."

Pinetail slowly looks at his paws, and nods.

* * *

They'd been exiled, simple as that - Crowstar took to announcing it before his Clan, and Lightningstar had sat with his warriors, flattening his ears against the yowls and screams of _Exile them, kick them out of this Clan, they do not belong here!_

Duckfoot had openly sobbed against Pinetail, while Thrushfur attempted out shout his own Clanmates; snarling back at them that they were weak, that they hadn't had the guts to stretch borders and do what was necessary to accomplish anything.

All Lightningstar could think through the entire ceremony is that Ivyfur died because of an ambitious tomcat and his friends. It wasn't apart of any battle, it wasn't calculated and meant to torture Lightningstar - it was all because of one cat from another Clan who was too ambitious.

And Lightningstar and BrackenClan are paying the price.

The one thought that follows Lightningstar as he and his patrol begin to pad back to BrackenClan - with Crowstar once again apologizing for what happened - was Thrushfur's threat of: _"I'll never forgive MossClan for this, and this Clan will go_ nowhere _without a cat like me in it."_

* * *

As soon as they began to pad back to their Clan, exhausted and saddened from the ceremony, Deerspring falls into step with him; without waiting, she merely tells him:

"Please don't choose me or Otterstream as your next deputy," she meows, voice tight. "Please, Lightningstar. I can't."

His ears prick - he'd thought about Deerspring, especially after today - but he merely looks back at her, frowning.

"I know you wanted to pay Ivyfur and Elmpelt back for everything they've done for you," she tell him, voice tight. "And-and Ivyfur appreciated that, he really did. But my family - I can't let this happen to us again. I don't want the position, and I don't want my daughter in it either. I hope you understand."

He nods slowly, looking out to the forest ahead of them; the thoughts of Ivyfur become a little strong in that exact moment. He can remember being an apprentice, running alongside Elmpelt, with Ivyfur outrunning his father, joking that Elmpelt was far too slow on his paws. Of Elmpelt talking about his son, about how Ivyfur apparently looked like his mother - and how deeply proud Elmpelt was of him. Of Ivyfur becoming Lightningstar's mentor after Elmpelt's death; how he tried to mentor him through his grief and pain, despite everything.

"I understand," he tells her, voice soft. "And I- Deerspring, I'm so sorry that-"

"You did nothing wrong," she tells him smoothly; she licks his nose. Her gaze shifts from him, and she looks away, eyes troubled. "I just need to focus...focus on mentoring Lizardpaw, and on my daughter. I need to do that, and I can't- I can't be deputy. I'm sorry."

He nods again, sighing. "I know, Deerspring. And I'm sorry, too."

* * *

In the end, Lightningstar spends about an hour thinking of his next deputy after he came back to the Clan - his warriors had begged them all for information, if Ivyfur's justice had come.

( _"Thrushfur? I never pegged him for- why, did Crowstar punish him? What was their punishment? Exile? Serves them right!"_

" _Duckfoot and Pinetail, too? They must've been roped into it, but they have a whole lifetime to make up for what they've done."_ )

He can't bring himself to choose his family or Deerspring's family, they're out of the question. Appleclaw and Waspcloud were too precious to him, and Beestrike was going to be a _mother_ soon - he can't ask them to be his deputy. Mudfang had his children to think of, and Otterstream and Deerspring are out of the question. Sleetdapple is far too old at this point; he can't ever ask that of her.

He shuts his eyes, and he begins to think of his Clanmates - who would accept the opportunity and do everything to help BrackenClan heal? Who could he trust, who could be a support system for him? Who would be positive and helpful throughout it all?

He blinks, and finally comes to a decision - Eagleflight. The tom was young, but he's been training Leopardpaw well - and he's been there for Adderstripe since Wrenfoot's death, and he and Lightningstar have always gotten along.

Sadly, Lightningstar can't help but think that, well - Eagleflight seems to be the last option. No other cat would want the position now, or were not well enough for it.

 _Maybe it was the same for me, when Patchwind made me her deputy_ , he can't help but think despite himself.

* * *

"...and I choose Eagleflight as the next deputy of BrackenClan," he says, sitting atop the Tallrock and bowing his head to the young brown tabby.

Eagleflight's eyes are bright, and he beams up at Lightningstar as cheers for his name fill the air around them.

Lightningstar tries to smile, but his eyes drift up to the sky above - there are only a few stars above them tonight.

* * *

He doesn't know why he's doing it; it's _absolutely foolish_ after everything has happened. He's a mousebrain for it, a fool, but his paws guide him there anyways, and his ears prick for the sound of a waterfall in the distance.

He's never heard of this area, didn't know it existed - but there's a thought in his mind that he needs this. He's allowed to have this, and he needs to do this - at least once, maybe just this once - and he'll be okay.

He needs a friend right now, and BrackenClan has too many memories for him to reach out to anyone there.

The sound of rushing water drives his paws towards SnowClan, and he weaves through lavender bushes and tries to follow the sound - he doesn't want to get himself lost, doesn't want to get caught by a SnowClan patrol. He can't handle worrying his Clan again over anything else; he just _needs this_.

Finally, he sees it; he sees the faint glimmer of water under moonlight, and he breaks into a sprint there; he races towards it, hope blooming in his chest. The image of his friend, someone to curl up to, someone to latch onto, becomes larger and larger in his mind's eye, and then-

-and then he can see him, see the small and fluffy white tomcat sitting alone, curled against mossy rocks near a small pool.

Littletuft is laying there, clearly at….peace. There's nothing he seems to worry about, nothing that seems to bother him - he's at peace, laying in a rocky area next to a waterfall.

He suddenly opens his dark green eyes, and Littletuft blinks in shock once he meets Lightningstar's gaze; he smiles after a moment, clearly overjoyed.

"Lightningstar!" He purrs, whiskers twitching. "I'm so glad...I never thought that you'd, uh, come here, but I-"

Lightningstar takes a few pawsteps forward, barely hearing Littletuft; but the small tom stops talking, and he's frowning.

"Are you okay? Lightningstar, what's wrong?"

Lightningstar can't answer him; he can't tell him about Ivyfur, about choosing a new deputy, about what happened with MossClan, not yet. It's all so raw, and it's almost unbearable to think about talking about it.

"Lightningstar?" Littletuft asks again, more seriously; Lightningstar pauses, and they're almost nose to nose now. He looks...concerned, very worried for him; Lightningstar blinks, tail sagging against the floor. "What's wrong?"

Lightningstar can't speak; he doesn't know what to say. There's too much that is wrong and not enough words to say it; he blinks slowly.

"I just," Lightningstar starts, swallowing heavily. He finds himself burying his nose into Littletuft's shoulder, not caring about informality or being too close to a cat from another Clan. "I need someone right now. I need a friend."

Littletuft grows stiff for a moment, and then softens; he helps guide Lightningstar down so that they're laying together, curled up in a ball as one.

"I'm here," he tells him in a gentle voice. "I'm here, Lightningstar, just lay with me."

And so Lightningstar does; he buries his face into Littletuft's neck, and together they lay by a waterfall.


	7. unremiting

**c** _ontinued_.

"I THINK THAT THEY'RE BOTH READY to receive their names, is all!" Eagleflight says as he pads at Lightningstar's side, orange eyes bright. "And I think it'll be good for the Clan, too - we need some, uh...well, I think we need something positive to happen to us, is all."

Lightningstar nods, trying to focus on what Eagleflight is saying - Leopardpaw and Robinpaw, they need their warrior names finally. They've been training hard, and sadly their warrior ceremonies had been pushed back a few times - after Ivyfur's death, and with the Clan trying to get used to their new deputy, it's been a hard moon.

He nods again, glancing at Eagleflight. It's….odd, to have such a young cat at his side with such a powerful position in the Clan. Ivyfur felt like he had been made for the job - he wouldn't outlive Lightningstar, no, but he would be a help to him, would guide him on the path to being leader, and he should've been shadowing his own successor now.

It was common in the Clans; young leaders had always chosen older warriors as their first deputies, naturally. A cat they could trust, sometimes former mentors, but a cat that would nonetheless help them with their duties. Ivyfur hadn't had time to choose a successor - but Lightningstar prays that Eagleflight was the right choice - he _needs_ to believe so.

Realizing that he's left a silence, Lightningstar clears his throat and says: "Of course, right. Leopardpaw and Robinpaw have been apprentices for a long time, they must be excited to recieve their warrior names, finally."

Eagleflight nods, settling down next to Lightningstar; they're sitting near his den, watching the Clan mingle about and perform their everyday duties.

Beestrike and Sorrelnose are lounging together in the sun; Sorrelnose is almost ready to have her kits, and Lightningstar supposes the time to make her apprentice, Robinpaw, a warrior has come at a good time - she's having a hard time going out into the forest to mentor as she gets bigger. Hollyface's head pops out of the nursery for a moment; Lightningstar can hear her newborn kittens mewling for her inside.

Sleetdapple yawns and suns herself near her mate, Ashstorm; both mollies are curled together, and Lightningstar makes a mental note that he should probably ask them about their retirement ceremonies soon. Not far away, Mudfang is grooming Cherrytuft, holding the much smaller tom between his forelegs as he licks his fluffy fur; Cherrytuft seems to be purring, resting his head against his mates chest.

All in all, the Clan seems...peaceful, just for a moment - Lightningstar can't help but watch them, feeling something akin to….envy, loss. He doesn't understand it, and doesn't like it; but he yearns to be like them.

He watches Beestrike with Sorrelnose; Sleetdapple with Ashstorm; Cherrytuft and Mudfang together; and even Waspcloud and Appleclaw, returning from a hunting trip, and there is a soft yearning in his chest.

Lightningstar says something to Eagleflight - something about the ceremony taking place later, he can't remember even as he pads off.

* * *

Lightningstar stands atop the Tallrock, and bows his head to his Clan; Robinpaw and Leopardpaw beam up at him, with Sootwhisker grooming their fur - the black cat looks happy, hazel eyes shining up at Lightningstar as they smile at him.

Lightningstar smiles warmly at his nieces, and feels pride swell in his chest for the first time in moons; they deserved this, and in the back of his mind, he can't help but hope that their father is looking down on them in this moment - that Foxstorm is full of pride, too.

 _I know he's probably running around, telling everyone to come and watch this moment, if he can see us_ , Lightningstar thinks with a chuckle.

Finally, he says: "I think we all know why we're gathered here today - it's a special occasion, and I'm _honored_ and proud to be giving Leopardpaw and Robinpaw their warrior names. They've worked hard for moons, and they deserve to finally receive their new names. I'm excited - I hope the rest of the Clan is, too!"

BrackenClan purrs; some cats sigh at his excitedness, others coo at it. But all in all, the Clan seems….at ease, they seem _happy_ \- even Otterstream smiles from where she's sitting next to Adderstripe, both mollies pressed against each other. Deerspring looks over to Leopardpaw and Robinpaw and smiles as well; Lightningstar is glad to see her smiling again.

He leaps down from the Tallrock; he lands on the soft grass, and smiles at his nieces - Leopardpaw is beaming at him, while Robinpaw purrs, both dappled mollies padding forward to stand before their uncle.

"Both of these apprentices have worked hard to get where they are," he tells the Clan, smiling a dimpled grin down at his kin. "They've shown incredible patience, incredible courage - and I think, more than anything, that they deserve their warrior names. I'd be honored to have them as two of my warriors - and I hope I don't sound _too_ biased, with Leopardpaw and Robinpaw being my nieces and all."

Sootwhisker purrs; the black cat shakes their head.

"But regardless - Leopardpaw, Robinpaw, step forward."

The two mollies do so; their fur is groomed well, and their hazel eyes stare back up at Lightningstar with a soft glow. They seem excited beyond words, and Lightningstar can't help but feel a soft ache in his chest when he thinks of Foxstorm, and how _happy_ he would be to be here.

His brother would've been cheering their names, asking for Lightningstar to make sure he choose the _perfect_ names for his girls. He would've been pressed against Sootwhisker, tail wrapped around the small black cat as it had in life.

 _He would've…._ Lightningstar thinks, blinking and taking in a breath.

"I, Lightningstar, leader of BrackenClan, call upon our ancestors to look down on these two apprentices. Both of them have trained for moons under your noble code, have been instructed in the ways of a warrior, and in turn have patiently waited to be rewarded with their warrior names." He smiles, looking back down to Robinpaw and Leopardpaw, who sit in front of him, much more mature, reserved than before - he's _so_ proud of them.

"Leopardpaw, Robinpaw - do you promise to uphold the warrior code, to protect BrackenClan, to….to defend us, even at the cost of your lives?" He falters on that last part - and he prays that they don't see it, that the Clan doesn't take note of it.

But he thinks on that last part - what Patchwind had said at he and his littermates warrior ceremonies, what every leader has to ask of an apprentice - if they would die for the Clan. Die to protect them, die if they were asked to - and he thinks of Foxstorm, of Ivyfur, of Wrenfoot, and of countless others whose names and faces blend into one.

 _They all died for us,_ he thinks, shaking a little. _And- and for what, really? Ivyfur is gone, and we're left to mourn for him, wondering why that happened. Foxstorm- he died, and now he's not here to see his daughters become warriors._

He tries to shake it off; this isn't about him, it's not about his grief. It's about his nieces and this is _their_ moment.

Lightningstar barely registers their _I do's_ ; he bows his head regardless, and tries to smile down at them once again.

"Then by the powers of StarClan, and my position as a leader, I give you both your warrior names. Leopardpaw, from this moment forward, you will be known as Leopardshadow. BrackenClan celebrates your stealth, your courage, your strength, and we welcome you as a full warrior of our Clan."

He allows the new Leopardshadow to come forward - the molly allows him to rest his muzzle on her head, and in turn, she licks his shoulder - just as was costumed, just as he had done when he was made a warrior.

She steps back, and Leopardshadow's eyes are gleaming with pride and joy - the Clan can hardly contain themselves, and many are already purring, wanting to chant out her name already.

But Robinpaw is left, and Lightningstar turns to her, proudly saying: "And Robinpaw, I give you your warrior name - Robinpaw, from this moment forward, you will be known as Robinstorm. BrackenClan celebrates your joy, your courage, and your wit - and we welcome you as a full warrior of our Clan."

He repeats the same movement, laying his muzzle on her head; in turn, she licks his shoulder.

The Clan erupts in cheers and yowls as soon as Robinstorm steps back from him; the tortoiseshell is bashful, turning to give her twin sister's ear a lick as the pair accept their Clan's congratulations.

Lightningstar can't help but cheer with his Clanmates; Sootwhisker pads forward, licking their daughters faces and nuzzling them both. Lightningstar can see a bright shine in their eyes, a tight smile, and he knows that they must be thinking of Foxstorm; perhaps they'd catch onto the fact that Lightningstar had named Robinstorm after her father.

For a moment, though, despite the grief welling in his chest, despite the sadness he feels at the memories of those lost - he looks at his nieces, now full warriors, and Lightningstar cannot help but smile again.

* * *

Eagleflight proves to be a surprisingly successful deputy; while he makes minor mistakes - putting some warriors on two patrols a day (Stoatstep) or forgetting a warrior entirely (Sootwhisker) - but these mistakes are common, minor, and Lightningstar can't help but beam whenever he sees his deputy organizing patrols or doing his best to make sure the Clan is moving through their day.

He's a cheerful and young cat, and in the back of his mind - Lightningstar cannot help but remember himself, a bright-eyed and young tom who was constantly making sure Patchwind was proud of him.

He has faith in Eagleflight, despite the tom's young age - he mentored Leopardshadow well, and he's proven to be a considerate and courageous warrior. Lightningstar has faith that he'll do him proud - he _knows_ it.

* * *

It's foolish, and against every Code the Clans have - he knows it, and he feels that nugget of guilt in his gut whenever he finds his paws leading him there, but he. Well.

He needs this, in a way.

Lightningstar pads through lavender bushes and treads on grass much shorter and softer than any in BrackenClan's territory; he takes a long sniff, trying to make sure that there isn't any unfamiliar scents in the area. There's not; just him and Littletuft.

He finds the small tomcat by the waterfall again; they've been meeting here every once and awhile, chattering like apprentices in the corner of SnowClan's territory.

He knows it's wrong, absolutely; Lightningstar knows that he shouldn't be so close to an enemy warrior. He reasons that he's not sharing any impersonal information about BrackenClan with Littletuft, that he's not _gossiping_ about his Clan. They're just friends, he thinks as he takes a moment to rub against some of the lavender - he remembers Littletuft mentioning that it'd be best to disguise his scent as best he could, even though the waterfall was seldom visited by any other SnowClan cats.

Littletuft spots him before Lightningstar even makes it to the waterfall; the short white tom lets out a chirp, padding forward to touch noses with him.

"I'm glad you made it," the SnowClan warrior purrs, and they butt heads; Lightningstar can't help but feel a comfortable warmth in his chest as he pads at the other tom's side. "I just got here - Aspenflower kept trying to convince me to sleep in camp _again_ , but…"

Lightningstar twitches his ears sympathetically; he knows that the reason why Littletuft stays by the waterfall is because it's much easier for him to sleep here - something about being less crowded.

"Well, she _is_ your deputy," Lightningstar says with an affectionate purr; he can't help but nose Littletuft's cheek again. "And she's probably one of the kindest cats I know, that Aspenflower."

Littletuft's whiskers twitch humorously. "She's a sweetheart - makes you wonder how she's a SnowClan cat, huh?"

Lightningstar can't help but laugh, folding his legs underneath him as he curls up on the stone near the waterfall; Littletuft lays beside him, small white paws splayed out comfortably.

"Now I've _never_ joined in on joking about SnowClan-"

"Oh _sure_ ," Littletuft meows, voice laced with affection; he seems so much softer, much more at ease when he's at this spot.

Lightningstar thinks it must have to do with the quietness of it - when Littletuft had first met him, he'd been much more sharp tongued, his temper much shorter.

(Some of that puzzles him, though, especially when he thinks about Gatherings as of late - how Littletuft doesn't really seem to be as tempered when talking to him nowadays. Maybe he's learning to control it more.)

They talk for a little bit about the most random of things - Littletuft mentions how the snows would be coming back to their territory soon, and all the white-furred cats were _overjoyed_ at the prospect of being able to hunt much easier. Lightningstar tells him about how he'd gotten an ache in his jaw, and how Russetshade had lectured him for close to an hour about how he needed to chew his food more carefully and to sleep in a better position.

Not thinking much on it, Lightningstar mentions: "I named two warriors the other day, too - my nieces, in fact! I'm _so_ proud of them, and I'm really excited to tell the other Clans about their ceremonies at the next Gathering - their names are Leopardshadow and Robinstorm, now."

Littletuft purrs. "Nice names!" he meows, butting heads against Lightningstar's shoulder; he has an odd look on his face as he pulls away, though, and Lightningstar tilts his head to the side as Littletuft asks: "But, wait - I thought Beestrike was going to have her first litter soon, right? Did she have kittens before?"

And - oh. _Oh_. Littletuft...doesn't know; perhaps he'd been sick when the announcement had been made at the Gathering, seasons ago. The poor SnowClan cat gets sick a lot according to himself; that could be it.

Lightningstar has never - well. He's never spoken to his friend about his brother, has never mentioned Foxstorm to him. There's a tightness in his chest as he thinks of it then; he feels horrible, for never opening up to Littletuft about that, when Littletuft has told him so much about himself - his parent's dying, being an only kitten, about his Auntie Lilystar having to help raise him - but Lightningstar has never shared anything about Foxstorm with him.

There's another uncomfortable feeling there as he thinks about the fact that he's never - well, that he's always held off on talking about his brother. He doesn't speak about Foxstorm to Beestrike, not to Sootwhisker, not to Leopardshadow or Robinstorm, and it- well that's wrong of him, isn't it?

 _I feel like I can never….it's too hard to talk about him,_ he tries to reason, sighing. _But - his memory, I don't want that to just_ die _, I-_

Littletuft stares at him curiously, and Lightningstar blinks, realizing he's left the tom wondering about him - he sighs again, and tries to smile.

"No, no, they're not Beestrike's daughters," he tells the other tom, tail twitching. "Sorrelnose is probably going to give birth sometime this moon, but- no, Leopardshadow and Robinstorm, they're my-" He takes a deep breath. "They're my brothers daughters."

Littletuft's whiskers twitch. "I never knew you had a brother, too," the tom murmurs; there's a quietness in his voice, something soft. "I don't think you've ever mentioned having one."

"You're right," Lightningstar replies, slowly gazing past Littletuft; he looks to the waterfall, trying to lose himself in the reflection of the night sky. "I- he died, a long time ago. When Robinstorm and Leopardshadow were really young."

"Oh," Littletuft meows; Lightningstar looks back to him, and the tom genuinely looks apologetic. "I'm sorry, I- I didn't know. I'm sorry if I pried, or opened up any old-"

"No, you didn't do anything wrong," Lightningstar laughs weakly. "It's alright - he died a long time ago. Seasons ago."

"But _still_ ," Littletuft murmurs, blinking slowly. "It's...something happening a long time ago doesn't mean it should hurt less. I get it, trust me."

And Lightningstar knows that he does - Littletuft lost his own parents when he was young. His father died from greencough, and his mother died from a stomach lump not long after - he was young, and his parents had been taken from him. And Lightningstar knows that their situations are similar - they both have lost family and have had to learn how to cope with it.

"Yeah," he says, voice low. "Yeah."

Lightningstar tries resting his head on his paws, tries to think about other things - he's trying to regain some positivity, and almost asks Littletuft if he wanted to know something Eagleflight had told him the other day - but then he thinks about Foxstorm again.

He thinks about his brother, _really_ thinks about him for once. He thinks of his brother's blazing personality, of his strength, of his poweress in battle. How Foxstorm was a _terrible_ hunter and had always tried to weasel his way out of doing it. About Foxstorm spending moons chasing after Sootwhisker, wanting to impress the black cat - about how Foxstorm had done that with so many, bothered them until they liked him.

But everyone liked Foxstorm, really - he _cared_. He wouldn't have - he wouldn't have let Ivyfur fight two cats at once, and would've died to save him. Lightningstar thinks of that a lot, sometimes; about how if Foxstorm had been leader, he wouldn't have been so...passive. Beestrike says that's not a good thing; a leader shouldn't be constantly challenging others or getting into arguments as Foxstorm would have.

But sometimes, Lightningstar _really_ wishes that Foxstorm would have taken his place. Maybe Ivyfur and Wrenfoot would still be alive; maybe the Clan wouldn't be just _existing_ , but would be _thriving._

"I miss him," Lightningstar finally says, looking back at Littletuft. "Especially now. I think about- I just. I want him to be there for his daughters, to have seen them become warriors. I would've made him my deputy, if he was alive. I wish he was with me and helping me lead BrackenClan."

Littletuft blinks at him again, and very slowly leans forward to rest his head against Lightningstar's shoulder.

It's different than how they'd laid before - when they would merely lay side by side, only occasionally getting close to comfort one another. But now, Littletuft was laying against Lightningstar's side, head against his neck, side pressed against Lightningstar's belly.

For some reason, it makes him think about how mates lay together - and for perhaps an even stranger reason, Lightningstar can't help but think Littletuft was meant to lay there - he fits against him perfectly.

Lightningstar swallows, but doesn't shift, doesn't tell Littletuft to go - he doesn't want to. He needs this, needs the other tom at the moment - Littletuft has remained a kind support system for him.

"Do you want to talk about him?" Littletuft asks in a quiet voice.

Lightningstar nods slowly. "Yeah, that'd - that'd be nice."

Littletuft gives him an encouraging purr, and Lightningstar thinks about his brother again - thinks of his ginger face, of his fast way of walking and his constant grin, and says:

"He was always so….he wasn't _serious_ , never. He'd always be joking with Beestrike and I, or trying to sneak his way out of his duties - he _hated_ hunting patrols, Foxstorm couldn't hunt worth a mouse's tail. But he was a good friend and a good warrior, and he was….he meant a lot to me. Beestrike was always the serious one of the litter, she'd always keep us in line - but Foxstorm and I would always get into trouble. My parents had to dig us out of all of the trouble we'd get into with other cats in our Clan - Appleclaw would tell us we couldn't go an hour without irritating an older cat in the Clan."

Littletuft chuckles softly; Lightningstar smiles a little bit, feeling somewhat of….relief washing over him as he talks about Foxstorm. Maybe this was necessary - perhaps he just needed to _talk_ about him.

But then memories, much more recent, resurface; about Foxstorm, the anger on his face, the fact that-

"What happened to him?" Littletuft asks gently; Lightningstar blinks, ears drawing back slightly. "If you don't want to say what happened - that's okay. I understand."

"No," Lightningstar says, voice tired and low; he sighs, and lays his head on his paws. Littletuft slowly lowers his head next to him. "It's alright. I...I should probably _talk_ about it, you know? Not….ignore it, not keep it inside - I just- I think I should probably. Talk about it."

Littletuft gives his cheek a soft lick; Lightningstar stiffens for a moment, worried about the contact - was that too much? Was that crossing the line of what enemy warriors shouldn't do together?

He decides not to think too hard on that part; he sighs, and glances at his friend.

"Foxstorm and I were….I was always in his shadow, you know? Foxstorm was larger than life, everyone knew him - I was always his dorky brother, padding after him constantly, I was- I was just. His shadow, his pesky younger brother."

Lightningstar takes a deep breath. "I, uh- Foxstorm and I were always sort of the troublemakers in BrackenClan, but him moreso - Patchwind and Dustheart always had to chase after us when we ignored our duties. Foxstorm and I would be getting into trouble, but I was- I was sort of different, you know? Foxstorm wasn't really concerned with repercussions, but I was. Foxstorm wanted to become deputy, he wanted to be _leader_ , even - but he was just so….he didn't _try_. And I think I did - or at least, uh. I don't know, maybe Patchwind believed in me a little more."

Littletuft's ears prick, and Lightningstar quickly explains: "I got my first apprentice before Foxstorm did - Foxstorm was the more...ambitious one of us, and he _really_ wanted to mentor an apprentice - but I got Otterpaw as an apprentice before he did. And that….that sort of changed things for us, a little bit; Foxstorm didn't _hate_ me, but I think he was- he was jealous. I got to have an apprentice, and I started to calm down a little more - he'd want to steal the fresh-kill pile, or go and skip a hunting patrol, but because I had an apprentice, I guess I sort of just. Grew up a little more."

Littletuft blinks. "And that made him feel left out, didn't it?"

Lightningstar nods slowly. "Yeah. I think he saw that a lot of senior warriors talked to me a little more, and I spent more time with older cats - I sort of...I calmed down, a lot more. I got over that rebellious young warrior stage; and I think it made Foxstorm want to grow up more, too. He started to be more serious about his duties - he started to seriously court his mate, Sootwhisker, he tried going on more hunting patrols - but it…."

Lightningstar trails off, thinking back on it; of how Foxstorm's jaw would clench when Lightningstar had to skip out on hanging out with his brother so that he could ask some of the senior warriors about tips on training his apprentice. How Foxstorm began to get closer to Sootwhisker, with Sootwhisker _finally_ realizing that Foxstorm must be really serious for once - about Dustheart beginning to spend more time with Lightningstar, very clearly considering taking him under his wing.

 _It was between me or Mudfang, I think_ , Lightningstar thinks, sighing. _And Dustheart really started to talk to me more, and would ask me to help him with patrols, and it- he was shadowing me._

"It was too late?" Littletuft asks, glancing up at Lightningstar; his green eyes are unreadable, but he's still tightly pressed against Lightningstar's side. "Were you made deputy?"

Lightningstar nods, slowly; his eyes shut as more intense, hard memories come back. "Do you remember when….when our Clans were about to go to war? It was- it was a conflict left over from the leader before Lilystar, something about new borders - we were about to fight over it."

Littletuft hums for a moment, and then nods; he blinks. "I remember. Junipernose gave you guys part of our territory as a _parting gift_ to Patchwind - some cats crossed into it often, right? As some sort of challenge."

Lightningstar nods, thinking back on it, what he's heard of it - of how the leader before Lilystar had given them the territory, and SnowClan cats frequently attempted to come into the patch, even seasons after Junipernose's death.

"I helped diffuse the situation, sort of," he meows, tail-tip twitching. "I mean, all I _really_ did was tell Patchwind that maybe we should try giving Lilystar half of the gifted territory - it was useless to us anyway, and the patch he gave us was sort of uneven - we kept crossing into SnowClan territory by accident. And….I guess that really impressed her, you know?"

Littletuft twitches his whiskers, nodding slowly; Lightningstar can see the other tom processing what he's saying, can see Littletuft's ears twitch as he listens.

"Was he mad, when she made you deputy?" Littletuft asks in a soft voice; he's looking at Lightningstar with sadness, empathy, and Lightningstar has to tear his eyes away from the other tom.

"Mmm," is all he can muster, nodding. "I mean he- I felt bad about it. After Dustheart died, Patchwind just _chose_ me - and I guess I realized that I hadn't really talked to Foxstorm that much since I got Otterpaw as an apprentice, you know? I mean, I had to hear from _Sorrelnose_ that Sootwhisker was bearing kits - Foxstorm had tried to tell me, but I was just so busy…."

He puts his head on his paws; he tries shutting his eyes, tries to block away the memories. But then a tongue begins to run over his ears; soft and tentative at first, but then progressively slower. Lightningstar lets out the faintest of purrs at it, pressing against Littletuft just a bit closer.

"We had a fight near the SnowClan border about a moon after I was made deputy," Lightningstar mumbles, sighing. "I asked him about Sootwhisker and the kits, and he got angry- said that I- I'd been ignoring him for seasons, and that he was just _trying_ to make a life for himself around me-"

( _"I'm your_ brother _, Foxstorm, your littermate! We're supposed to be close, you're my_ brother _-"_

" _Oh, give me a break Lightningpelt - you haven't_ acted _like a brother to me for seasons! You_ barely _noticed when Sootwhisker and I became mates! You didn't even say anything - just smiled and went back to doing your deputy work."_

" _Just because you're_ jealous _that I've managed to-"_

" _Jealous? Of_ you _?"_ )

Littletuft licks his ears again; Lightningstar sighs, burying his nose in his paws.

"We got a little loud, and louder, and louder and….there was a badger den nearby, one we've scented but didn't want to disturb too much, and…."

"And he died?" Littletuft asks softly.

Lightningstar shivers, and nods. "He died."

There isn't much to say; Littletuft doesn't look at him with pity, nor with scorn - he just looks….sad. Sad yet understanding, and Lightningstar doesn't know what it _means_ , not really - but he supposes it doesn't matter.

Littletuft merely licks his ears again, but then moves to his cheek, rubbing his nose there; it's much more tender, much more fond than before. Lightningstar doesn't know what to say or _do_ \- in the back of his mind, he knows this is wrong. Littletuft is a SnowClan cat, and Lightningstar is a _leader_ \- but then a phantom ache in his neck comes back, the scar from where he lost his first life begins to tingle.

(In the back of his mind, he can hear Dustheart's deep rumble of _you have lost the life of loyalty_ \- but he tries to ignore it, tries to weave around it.)

Slowly, he leans a little more on Littletuft, letting the much smaller tom nuzzle him as though they were...something more, more than enemy warriors, more than casual Clanmates, perhaps even more than _friends_.

* * *

Eagleflight matches his pace as they pad through camp; the younger tom's orange eyes are narrowed, and he's glancing about them with a furious lash of his tail.

"I'm worried, though - last leafbare was _really_ harsh on us. We lost a few elders, and with how the Clan has been uh...well. You know, with everything that's...happened…." Eagleflight trails off, and Lightningstar's ear flicks.

"I know," he murmurs to his deputy, nodding. "With losing Ivyfur and Wrenfoot, the Clan is already tense and still going through grief. I know what you mean."

Not far from them, Lightningstar watches as Deerspring pads into camp, with Lizardpaw at her side; the torbie apprentice is chattering up a storm, purring and beaming up at her mentor, while Deerspring nods slowly.

The molly was still recovering from Ivyfur's death; while the loss of her mate understandably has made her much more quiet, has caused her to have moments of sadness that are hard to pull her back frm. But she's been a wonderful mentor to Lizardpaw; Lightningstar remembers her asking if he could survey a training session with Otterstream, Sootwhisker, and her as they trained their apprentices.

She's _trying_ , is the thing; and Lightningstar tries to catch her eye, tries to give her a smile - but she's padding off with Lizardpaw now, moving towards the freshkill pile.

"...I'm also worried for you, you know?" Eagleflight meows; Lightningstar's ears prick, and he glances at the dark tabby. "I just….I worry about you sometimes, Lightningstar, if that's. Appropriate for me to say."

Lightningstar's ears prick, and he chuckles a little; he's humbled by Eagleflight's kindness. "You're my deputy, Eagleflight. Telling me that you're concerned about me isn't you trying to _overthrow_ me, or something," he tells him, but then pauses; he starts processing what Eagleflight had said. "But why are you concerned about me in the first place, if I can ask?"

Eagleflight's whiskers twitch. "I mean- you've been gone a lot from your den lately, ever since Ivyfur's death," he tells him in a quiet voice. "Like yesterday - I went to ask you about putting Otterstream on a patrol near MossClan, and you were just...gone, you know?" The tom sighs, tail-tip twitching. "I guess I just. I can understand it, that you want to be alone - but I just want you to know that I'm here for you. The _Clan_ is here for you."

Lightningstar doesn't really know what to say; there's horror that grips him, when he realizes _why_ he's been gone and finally seeing that the Clan _has_ noticed his absences, and there's slight worry there too, worry that Eagleflight or someone else might find him near the SnowClan border one day.

"Oh," is all he can say, nodding slowly. "Thank you, Eagleflight. I'll…I'll keep that in mind."

As he and Eagleflight begin padding towards the entrance of camp, he slowly realizes that his guilt comes last.

* * *

"-but when I was an apprentice, I remember my brother and I had _taken_ the freshkill pile! We just- we waited until dark, and took it out, piece by piece. Patchwind was _so_ angry with us - and I remember my mother almost cuffed us over the ears for doing something _so reckless and immature_ , as she said."

"How were you made _leader_?" Littletuft laughs, resting his head against Lightningstar's shoulder. "Really - how did Patchwind see that, and go ' _hmm_ , yeah, this fluff-headed tom sounds like a good deputy'. _How_."

Lightningstar takes no offense to it; he knows Littletuft is just joking, and he licks the top of the tom's head. "I think it's because I was _extremely_ charming," he purrs.

Littletuft purrs as well, but Lightningstar can see the slight glow in his eyes. " _Still_ charming…," He hears Littletuft mumble, and Lightningstar purrs again, rubbing his cheek against Littletuft's.

* * *

The snow falls last on BrackenClan's territory; it always does, and has since Lightningstar can remember.

He wakes up, stretching himself and trying to piece together his dream from last night - the one he's had since he became leader, the one where he's struggling to find a light, but feeling fear once he does - and glances out of his den.

He can see Owlpaw and Newtpaw playing with Mudfang in the fresh snow; the normally gruff warrior purrs at his kits, rolling onto his back and letting the growing apprentices pounce on his belly. Hollyface's kittens peek out again, and he can see Sorrelnose stretching out in the snow near the nursery.

Lightningstar watches them for a moment, as he's always done lately; he just _watches_ his Clan it feels like, but has started to not engage again. The memory of Wrenfoot's death comes back for a moment, and he blinks, remembering it - he thinks of how he felt, feeling like he didn't really _know_ the tom as well as he should have.

He blinks, finding himself feeling torn, oddly enough - part of him wants to leap down, to join his Clan in the joy of that first snowfall, but the other part of him, the part of him that he finds himself despising more and more, wants to simply curl back into his nest.

Lightningstar tries to shove past those feelings, that desire to be _alone_ \- instead, he pads out of his den, and finds himself sitting next to Russetshade.

His medicine cat offers him a small nod, and together, they sit and watch their Clanmates enjoy themselves for the moment.

* * *

The snowfall becomes more heavy as the leafbare continues; Lightningstar braces himself when a particularly cold wind slices across his back.

"This is a _nightmare_ ," Stoatstep hisses, the ginger-and-white tabby hisses, shaking out his coat. "I'm freezing my _whiskers_ off out here!"

Sleetdapple purrs at the young tom, shaking out her dark coat. "Hush, it's not _that_ bad," she tells him with a twitch of her whiskers. "My retirement ceremony is soon; I can't think of better weather to have it in." She says it as a joke, and both Eagleflight and Stoatstep grumble at the old molly.

Lightningstar chuckles, giving the senior warrior a bump with his head. "Just like you, to choose the _worst_ weather to have your ceremony in. You want me to freeze my tail off, don't you?"

Sleetdapple purrs. "Perhaps I'm just excited to spend my days relaxing."

* * *

Lightningstar shivers on the Tallrock; the Clan is much the same, with many of them pressed together for warmth - Cherrytuft is hidden underneath Mudfang's bulk, Deerspring and Sootwhisker are pressed together, and many cats seem to be pressing close to Beestrike, trying to warm themselves near her - the golden tabby looks absolutely _annoyed_ at it.

The Clan is happy, though; Sleetdapple sits in the middle of the cats, orange eyes shining as Ashstorm presses against her - the two mollies are retiring together finally, and the Clan purrs as Lightningstar begins:

"Well, I'm sorry to call you all out here when it's so _cold_ ," he tells them, shaking his head. "But Sleetdapple and Ashstorm desired to have their retirement ceremony."

Ashstorm purrs. "We're not waiting until leafbare ends!"

* * *

"You didn't even _see_ me!" Littletuft purrs, pouncing from the snow and crashing into Lightningstar; the white tomcat bats his ears, and Lightningstar laughs, laying on his back. Snow falls around them, and Lightningstar allows Littletuft to rest on his fluffy belly.

"You just blend in _so_ well," Lightningstar meows back playfully, purring as Littletuft nuzzles his neck.

"Not my fault your golden fur makes you stick out," he tells him, and purrs as he buries himself a little further into Lightningstar's belly fur.

* * *

Sorrelnose's kittens _finally_ come; there are two of them, two toms - one is a golden tabby, the other a ginger tabby. Her and Beestrike name the golden tabby Sandkit, and the ginger tabby Rowankit - Lightningstar goes to see his nephews as soon as he can, and purrs at Beestrike as she curls around her mate and new sons happily.

"You deserve them, you know," Lightningstar tells her, licking her cheek. "They're so _cute_ too - an uncle again!"

Beestrike purrs, and licks Sorrelnose's cheek; Lightningstar watches as she nuzzles both of her kittens, with the two tomkits mewling and burying themselves further into Sorrelnose's belly fur.

Lightningstar watches the new family, taking in a deep breath and thinking that finally _, finally_ , perhaps things in BrackenClan could be….simple.

* * *

In short, he's _very_ wrong.

One of their elders, Cindertail, gets the cough first; it starts with her, and slowly, Otterstream begins to have it as well. It travels through the Clan, with some cats recovering more swiftly than others - but in the end, Lightningstar finds himself catching it as well.

He does not recover from it as quickly as Waspcloud had; Waspcloud was in Russetshade's den for an afternoon before recovering from the beginnings of greencough.

Lightningstar does not recover after the first day, and he has to be holed up in the medicine cat den with Cindertail and Otterstream.

Eagleflight visits often, asking _what_ he should do - the tom is young, Lightningstar realizes again, and he grows nervous as his leader is confined to the medicine cat den, struggling to get over his sickness.

"You'll be fine," Lightningstar wheezes, tail-tip twitching. "Eagleflight, listen to me: you'll be fine."

"But what about the apprentices, the kits?" the tabby asks, tail lashing. "What about- Lightningstar, you _have_ to get better, I can't-"

"Lightningstar will do what he needs to do to recover," Russetshade meows smoothly as she pads from the darkness of the back of her den. "And you'll worry about the cats outside; Lightningstar doesn't need this added stress."

Eagleflight frowns. "-and I respect that, I do," the tom tells her, what seems like a slight bit of _fear_ in his voice. "But I'm- this is like...my second moon of this job, and-"

Russetshade merely stares at Eagleflight, no longer interjecting; her stare is _terrifying_ , and Lightningstar quivers from where he lays, trying to avoid her gaze.

Finally, Eagleflight sighs, mumbling a _sorry, Russetshade_ , and pads out of the den, fur prickled against the cold.

* * *

"This is the worst cold I've had in my _life,_ " Lightningstar mumbles to Otterstream, ear twitching. "Like- worse than the one I had when I was an apprentice, I think…"

Otterstream yawns, and sneezes; she's curled up near Lightningstar, while Cindertail rests near the back of the den - on Lightningstar's orders, of course. He wanted the elder to have the nest furthest from the outside to protect her from the cold.

"This isn't a _cold_ ," Otterstream mumbles, sniffling. "It's greencough."

"Ah, same thing," Lightningstar meows, trying to smile - he sees Russetshade pad back into her den, frost clinging to her pelt; the ginger tabby has a worried look in her eyes, and Lightningstar cranes his neck to see what she's looking at. She seems to be looking at her herb supply, and there's a slight bit of worry in his gut when he sees how _low_ it is now than it was a few days prior.

 _We're taking up a lot of her herb supply_ , Lightningstar realizes; he looks to Otterstream, than to Cindertail, and his tail twitches. _The three of us - if anyone else gets sick, it'll…_

Russetshade begins to pad forward, breaking him from his thoughts; he blinks, looking up at the ginger tabby. In her jaws is some catmint, and she lowers her neck, placing some of the pile near Lightningstar.

It's a smaller amount than he'd gotten the days before; she's running low, and he can see that the snow is preventing her from collecting any additional amounts of it.

Gulping, he makes a snap decision - he hardly thinks about it, doesn't weigh the pros and cons of it. He calls out: "Wait, Russetshade, give Otterstream and Cindertail my share."

Russetshade pauses, and looks down at him; her orange eyes are round with what seems like concern, worry, and she finally asks: "You need your dosage. If you don't have it-"

"That's fine," he interjects, not wanting to be discouraged from what he's about to do. "They need it more than I do - nine lives, remember?" He tries to smile, tries to help her understand - but Russetshade looks upset, grave and worried, and even Otterstream's ears begin to draw back.

"I can't let you die on my watch, nine lives or not," the medicine cat says slowly, shaking her head. "You're being foolish - you're not being a hero right now."

Lightningstar's ears flatten; he's not _trying_ to be a hero, he merely wants to save his Clanmates - Otterstream has only one life to live, and _so much_ to live for, and Cindertail deserves a more honorable death than being stuck inside of the medicine cat den.

"If you don't give them the catmint now," Lightningstar murmurs, sniffling. "I can just give them to Otterstream later. This is what I want, Russetshade - you're running out of catmint, and I'm making a choice for my Clanmates."

She must realize that this is a battle she can't win; Russetshade only stares at him for a moment longer, eyes narrowed and _worried_ , and she sighs, pushing his share to Otterstream's, and taking some over to Cindertail, as well.

The only thing Lightningstar can think as he curls up to sleep, his chest burning from the sickness, is that no matter _what_ \- he'll always protect his Clanmates. Always.

* * *

He continues to give Otterstream and Cindertail his share of the catmint, avoiding Russetshade's worried glance every time.

* * *

 _He opens his eyes in a starry field; he knows where he is without even having to think about it, without an inch of fear - he knew this would happen, he'd accepted it as soon as he made the decision to give his share of the catmint. It was a snap decision, and he finds himself twitching his whiskers as he stands in StarClan's forest._

" _That was_ kind _of dumb of you, Lightningstar," A youthful voice tells him; immediately, Lightningstar turns, avoiding the gaze of the celestial cats surveying him, and makes eye contact with the cat who'd given him his second life - little Redpaw._

" _Redpaw," Lightningstar meows, padding forward; he bows his head to the StarClan cat. "I didn't think it was dumb. Otterstream and Cindertail have been getting better since I've been giving them my share of the catmint - I don't think that's_ too _dumb of a thing to do."_

 _Redpaw's green eyes are sad; the young tom shakes his head, and pads past Lightningstar - he walks towards some of StarClan's forest, towards where silvery trees rustle slightly in a phantom breeze. Lightningstar follows the tom curiously, sitting next to Redpaw as the former apprentice sits in front of the forest, eyes staring into the starry foliage._

" _You know you need to stop seeing that SnowClan cat, don't you?" the apprentice says, looking up at Lightningstar; despite the fact that he died at such a young age, there's almost a noble look to the ginger tom. "Like...come on, Lightningstar. A StarClan cat shouldn't have to be the one to tell you that - that's common sense."_

 _Lightningstar blinks, growing uncomfortable; he shifts, looking away from Redpaw. "I don't think that this is something-"_

" _You lost your second life," Redpaw tells him, shaking his head. "You're_ dead _technically; we have all the time in the world to talk about you breaking the Code."_

 _Lightningstar stares at his paws. "We're_ friends _, Redpaw- just. Friends." Even as he says it, it doesn't feel entirely convincing; Redpaw must see right through it, for the tom shakes his head with a huff._

" _Close and cuddly friends," he tells him, and sighs. "BrackenClan needs you to be loyal to_ them _, Lightningstar."_

 _Lightningstar almost chuckles; it's not a happy one, but a much more bitter, cynical laugh, and he almost growls before remembering that he has no true reason to be angry - not at Redpaw, at least._

" _I lost my life of loyalty, remember?" he tells Redpaw, shaking his head. "Whatever that means."_

" _And now you've lost the life of foresight," Redpaw meows, sighing. "I lost- I_ died _because I didn't have the foresight to know that I wasn't strong enough to fight a badger on my own - I wanted to avenge Foxstorm," he reminds Lightningstar, frowning. "And now you've lost the life of foresight too - how long will it be, before your lack of loyalty and foresight will cause you to choose that SnowClan tom over BrackenClan?"_

 _Lightningstar is about to interject until the starry scenery rips away from them._

Suddenly it is dark, cold, and Lightningstar wakes from his nest with a jolt, coughing and trying to lick his aching chest.

Otterstream and Cindertail are gone - perhaps they'd been healed already and decided to go back to their original dens.

Lightningstar looks over, and sees that Russetshade is still sleeping in her nest; she must not have known that Lightningstar just lost his second life.

Resting his head on his paws, he tries to breath - but there is a coldness in his chest, separate from the sickness he feels of his greencough. It is a loss, something missing from him, and he feels more exhausted than ever as he lays in the medicine cat den, watching the snow fall.


	8. sustained

**a/n: sorry abt the delay! writers block hit me haaardd in december and it was hard for me to churn this chapter out, but i managed to get something out! sorry for the fact that this one might seem a little rushed, hopefully the next will tie up this part nice and neat so we can move onto the final part of the fic!**

* * *

 **c** _ontinued._

"SO YOU LOST ANOTHER LIFE," Russetshade murmurs, orange eyes narrowing and tail lashing to and fro. The ginger tabby molly is merely staring at him, face taunt and ears drawn back; Lightningstar blinks up at his medicine cat.

 _Yes, and I don't regret it_ , part of him wants to say. _Yes, and I'm_ terrified _of the implications - am I just going to lose StarClan's gifts, one by one? Is this just how it's going to be?_ another part wants to whine. _No, I'm perfectly fine!_ the naive half of him thinks.

Finally, he settles for: "Yeah." It is not practiced, not well thought out, but he sighs regardless.

Russetshade blinks, sitting down and sighing. "You've lost two lives, and you haven't even been leader for a year at this point," she murmurs, voice soft. "You've already been through two deputies as well."

Lightningstar blinks, narrowing his eyes at her. He rarely gets mad, rarely feels defensive, but his fur prickles regardless, and he twitches his whiskers at the old molly.

"That wasn't my fault," he finds himself growling; mentally, he scolds himself - he knows Russetshade is merely worried for him, knows that it is her duty to be, but he still cannot help himself. He's angry - perhaps at her, perhaps at himself, perhaps at _StarClan_ , he doesn't know. But the anger is present within him as he narrows his eyes, tail-tip flicking at her.

"I didn't say it was your fault," she tells him, shaking her head. "But I'm merely stating a fact - you're behaving irresponsibly when it comes to your nine lives. Leaders are supposed to last for generations, older than any cat - you're given nine lives to ensure that."

"So you think I'll die young," he murmurs, ears flattened and fur fluffing up. He knows how aggressive he must look, but he's on edge, his chest burns, and he feels utterly _alone_. "Thank you for that."

Russetshade blinks at him. "Don't get self-righteous with me," she grumbles, tapping her paw against the floor of the den. "I'm trying to _help_ you - you've lost two lives already, and you only feel like it's necessary to tell me hours after the fact. You can't keep these things a secret from _me_ \- a medicine cat and a leader are supposed to be a team, Lightningstar."

He frowns, and sighs again; he looks to his fluffy white paws, trying to shake off his anger. She doesn't deserve it; Russetshade really is only trying to help him, in the end. That's her duty as a medicine cat - he knows it.

"I'm sorry," he finally says. "I'm sorry, Russetshade - you're only trying to help me. And I'm sorry that I'm always - that I don't tell you these things. You should know about them."

She blinks, and nods. "I should," she agrees, and then - to his surprise - begins to lay down across from him, the large molly folding her legs underneath her as she looks at him with complete seriousness. "I've known you since you were a kitten, Lightningstar - you're not the kind of cat who can fold in on himself and be alone. Me? Yes, but you? You're as social as they come."

Lightningstar twitches his ears, and can't help but nod. "Ha, I suppose," is all he can think to say.

Russetshade moves one of her paws forward; it gently touches one of his, and he's suddenly reminded of the night when Patchwind died - when she laid by him, telling him about her life. About her parents, her brother, her mate, her daughter, her-

( _"Bluefeather wasn't a BrackenClan cat, but you know that - just a simple loner he was, said he was a kittypet a long time ago - kittypets live longer than us, he was already an old cat of 13 years when we met, and for once I knew a cat who was around my age and could live at my side. Joined BrackenClan in an instant - I loved being at his side, and I miss him so terribly; I hope StarClan welcomed him with open paws."_

" _I'm sure they did, Patchstar - Bluefeather was a brave cat. Everyone still talks about him; was he really that swift of a hunter?"_

"Absolutely _\- he caught Brightleaf and I finches all the time; those are hard birds to catch, too!"_ )

"I miss Patchwind," he finds himself saying, laying his chin on his paws. "I miss her. I miss Foxstorm, I miss Ivyfur, I miss Elmpelt - I miss _everyone_ we lost. I didn't…..they weren't all I thought about before becoming leader; I could have days where I wouldn't even _think_ about them because I knew they were in StarClan - or at least had faith they were. And now I _know_ they're all in StarClan, but I just….I miss them more."

Russetshade nods; her whiskers twitch, and she looks to the outside of her den, tail twitching. "StarClan gives you and I many gifts," she tells him in a surprisingly gentle voice. "But those gifts may not always benefit us. We know our loved ones are in StarClan - we don't need to have faith like our Clanmates, it is a certainty for us. But…."

"We have to actually wait for them now, and know we have to wait a long time to see them," he says slowly, sighing. "It sucks."

Russetshade gives him a tiny chuckle; she is still downcast, but she at least offers him the smallest of smirks. "That's one way to put it."

A few moments of silence go between them; it's not uncomfortable, and Lightningstar flicks his tail-tip.

"What lives did you lose, if I may ask?" Russetshade meows, narrowing her eyes.

"You say _if I may ask_ , but I know you're not really _asking_ ," he jokes, and she gives him a twitch of her whiskers. Finally, Lightningstar sighs heavily and says: "...the life of...loyalty and foresight. Those were my first two lives."

She blinks, and frowns at him. "I see." Is all she says - but there's something in her voice, something that causes Lightningstar's ears to perk.

"What do you mean?" he finds himself asking, blinking at her.

Russetshade just gives him a look, and she's quiet for a few moments; he almost asks her again, just in case she did not hear - but then she frowns at him, and says slowly: "I know you've been going over the border and meeting one of your….. _friends_ , if we'll call him that."

Lightningstar's heart drops in his chest; guilt does not come, much to his discomfort, but fear and horror does first - he fears that Russetshade will tell the Clan, that she'll yell at him, something of the sort.

( _i should be more worried about the fact that i don't even_ care _that i'm disobeying the code, but-_ )

"Oh," There's no use in hiding it, no use in denying it; Russetshade gives him a very serious stare, and he knows that she means what she says. She's not an easy molly to disagree with, after all. "Okay." He doesn't know what else to say.

She's silent, and Lightningstar feels confused, then - shouldn't she be yelling at him? Mocking him? Threatening him, telling him that she'll tell the Clan if he doesn't stop seeing Littletuft?

But she doesn't do any of that - she merely stares. "The fact that this is happening is because of your loss of two of your nine lives," she tells him, voice oddly quiet. "Leaders rarely have mates within their Clan after they lose their first life - it's something the Clans have been battling for centuries, far before your birth."

Lightningstar blinks, feeling heat come to his face - he and Littletuft weren't…. _mates_ , just. Friends. They were friendly friends. That's all.

"He's just my friend," Lightningstar mumbles lowly, looking at his paws. "We're not…. _mates_ , you know, just-"

Russetshade gives him another look; this one much more hardened, much more tempered. He blinks at her, and finds himself frowning, asking:

"How do you know, anyway?" his voice is quiet, but he's holding back a rumble of annoyance - he feels uncomfortable, almost, worried that she might have been listening, watching, that she knew for a long time, and-

"StarClan is worried for you, Lightningstar," she tells him, voice distant. "I told you: you're losing lives faster than you should, and now you're becoming closer to this SnowClan cat. It's not something our ancestors would stay silent about."

He blinks, and feels...odd - it's weird, being told that _StarClan themselves_ are worried for him. He thinks of Redpaw, of the apprentices warnings as they sat together in a celestial field - of the small tom telling him quite plainly: _what you're doing is disloyal and wrong._ And he frowns, wondering why he's not as worried about it as he _should_ be - why he doesn't feel the nugget of guilt in his belly, why he's not trying to amend things with Russetshade and apologize to her right now.

However, Russetshade seems to sense his confusion; with a stony voice, she says: "You've lost the life of loyalty," she tells him, something akin to a growl in her voice. "Don't be shocked that you're finding...comfort in other areas, when you've lost a large part of what the Clan teaches us to have from birth."

Lightningstar stares at the floor, twitching his ear. "You should be yelling at me," he tells her, voice tight. "You should be- be _mad_ at me, you should be telling me I'm an idiot."

"I told you before, Lightningstar," she meows, shaking her head. "This was bound to happen - I'm not happy about it, not at all. But would yelling at you do anything but make you angrier?" she proposes, eyes narrowed. "Would snapping at you that you're being irresponsible do anything but drive your loyalty further from BrackenClan?"

He narrows his eyes at her, tail lashing. "I'm loyal to BrackenClan, Russetshade," he growls, surprising himself. "I'm- I'm _leader_ of this Clan, I'm loyal, and-"

"-and you're seeing a SnowClan tom rather intimately," she reminds him, not unkindly. She seems to realize she's hitting a nerve, and the normally sharp tongued molly just shakes her head with a sigh. "Nothing good comes out of things like this, Lightningstar. Patchwind fell in love with a loner - he joined BrackenClan for her. Other leaders are not that lucky; do you think the tom you're seeing would leave his Clan for yours?" she asks, locking eyes with him.

Lightningstar blinks, and thinks of Littletuft - how small the tom is, how proud he is to be a warrior of his Clan. About how Littletuft wouldn't like BrackenClan's forest, about how he was independent in the end, and wouldn't want to just _leave_ SnowClan out of the blue.

"I…," he starts, frowning. "I can't ask that of him."

Russetshade says nothing more; he doesn't think there was a point to be made, and she does not look smug. She only looks at him for a few lingering seconds, before turning away - she gets to her paws, and begins to sort her herb pile once again.

* * *

In short, Lightningstar does get better, in the end - he can finally leave the den for more than five minutes, and the cold doesn't bother him too much anymore. Russetshade manages to be able to gather up enough catmint after his condition improves; she's able to stock her supply up, just in case any other cat were to fall ill.

Eaglelflight seems relieved that Lightningstar is getting better; the brown tabby merely sighed in relief, meowing out a _finally!_ as Lightningstar told him that soon he'd be able to help him out with his duties again.

Regardless, though - Lightningstar notices that the Clan seems to be taking rather well to Eagleflight, similarly to how they took to Ivyfur. Eagleflight seems to do patrols with ease now, smoothly calling out names and telling them where they'd be patrolling or hunting for the day - and cats, even cats much more experienced than the tabby, seem to _listen_ to him.

Eagleflight was a wonderful choice, Lightningstar thinks as he watches Eagleflight talk to Otterstream about her apprentice - apparently Otterstream was worried on where to take Newtpaw, not wanting her apprentice to be too cold out there and catch greencough as Otterstream had.

"-but you'll do fine, Otterstream, you're a natural mentor!"

And Otterstream _smiles_ , and it seems to reach her eyes finally - ever since her father's death, it seemed like the molly hadn't been able to really smile around any cat other than Adderstripe.

But she nods at Eagleflight, and leads Newtpaw out - Lightningstar watches them, snow falling on the top of his head as he watches the young deputy succeed effortlessly.

* * *

It's a while before Lightningstar is well enough to leave camp; but after a week or so of resting, he's finally able to - and as night falls on BrackenClan's camp, he slips out once again, and immediately begins padding towards the SnowClan border.

Despite Russetshade's warnings, despite some nagging voice in the back of his head saying _no_ , stop _, this is so dumb_ \- he does so anyway, and he follows _some_ sort of emotion - maybe his heart, maybe pure desire, maybe just because he _can_ \- and he pads all the way to the SnowClan border, slipping right over it.

He follows the same route that he has for the past few moons and doesn't stop; he can scent Littletuft finally, and he breaks into a soft run - his heart is beating a little faster, his eyes widening a little more, and he grins as soon as he rounds the corner and sees Littletuft.

The small tom doesn't hesitate; he gets to his paws and immediately runs to Lightningstar, burying his nose into his shoulder and sniffing him cautiously.

" _Where have you been_ ," Littletuft meows, breaking away from him to look him over. "It's been a week, and I was- I was _worried_ , but the Gathering is still a bit away, and I-"

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" he tells the tom with a laugh, reaching down to rub cheeks with Littletuft. "I'm okay, Littletuft, really! Don't fret over me too much; I promise I'm all in one piece!"

The tom seems unconvinced; Littletuft sniffs over him again, and he keeps pressing against Lightningstar, brushing his cheek against him.

"I was worried," he murmurs softly; Lightningstar is surprised to hear something so soft come out of the cat. But Littletuft's face is tight with concern, and Lightningstar can feel his heart melt at the sight.

"Don't be," he tells Littletuft, despite a voice in the back of his head telling him _no, he should be, russetshade said-_ "I'm okay. I'm Lightningstar, afterall, I'm always okay!"

He says it as a joke, but Littletuft frowns regardless; he blinks up at him, shaking his head.

"No one is okay all the time," he says seriously, and then a fondness enters his eyes; the white tom blinks up at him, and very slowly rubs his cheek against Lightningstar's, settling the side of his face against Lightningstar's neck. "I missed you."

Lightningstar frowns, and finds himself comforted by the SnowClan cat; he sighs deeply, and just rests his chin against Littletuft's ears.

"I missed you too, Littletuft. More than you know."

* * *

During the day, he attempts to catch up with his family as soon as he's able - Waspcloud and Appleclaw are doing well as always, Sootwhisker and their kittens are fine, and Beestrike and Sorrelnose are wrapped up in their new family.

"Sandkit is just a darling, even though he's always pawing at his brothers head," Sorrelnose tells him, purring gently as she grooms the golden tabby's back.

Indeed, little Sandkit yawns, stretching out his tiny paws and resting them against his littermates head; Rowankit mewls, twisting from his littermate and letting out a soft noise at the contact.

"They're both wonderful," Beestrike adds, sighing happily; Lightningstar's sister purrs again, resting her chin against Sorrelnose's back and smiling down at her little family. "They're going to be strong cats when they grow up, I know it."

Lightningstar can't help but agree - he knows he's probably biased, due to Sandkit and Rowankit being his nephews, but he smiles down at them, feeling pride well through him as he looks down at the two kittens.

"They're adorable, Beestrike. A perfect litter." He tells his sister, meowing happily; the two tomkits seem comfortable against the curve of Sorrelnose's belly.

He smiles at the pair of mollies - Sorrelnose and Beestrike are perfectly content together, both of them wrapped around their kittens.

There's something that twists in the pit of Lightningstar's belly, something he doesn't like - he thinks of the two of them, of Beestrike and Sorrelnose, and how...happy they are. They're happy together, and they have a litter now; they have two sons, and Lightningstar blinks at the thought of it.

 _Jealousy,_ is all he can think, giving his nephews one final lick, nuzzling his sister and her mate, and excusing himself out of the den. _Longing. Envy._

* * *

Lightningstar wants to get back into helping BrackenClan - after all, he was sick, and after Ivyfur's death, he- well. He knows he hasn't been the most attentive of leaders. Eagleflight is doing a marvelous job as deputy, and Lightningstar can't be prouder - the brown tabby seems to be at ease in his new position, nervous at times of course, but overly _alright_.

Cats come to him to ask about patrols; they spend time with him; they seem to _enjoy_ their new deputy. Lightningstar had been worried, of course, that after Ivyfur's passing - that perhaps a new deputy would be hard for the Clan to warm up to.

But Eagleflight seems to be doing well, and Lightningstar beams at the tom from where he's sharing prey with his parents.

"He's got a good head on his shoulders," Appleclaw meows, running her tongue over her muzzle. "Everyone really likes him - he was a good choice."

Waspcloud purrs in agreement; Lightningstar glances at his mother and father, and smiles, nodding.

"Yeah," he meows, watching Eagleflight give Newtpaw a congratulatory bump with his shoulder before the molly pads off. "I think so, too."

"He's great at organizing patrols," Waspcloud continues; Lightningstar glances at his father, watching as he twitches his ears. "And he's very charismatic - he reminds me a lot of you, when Patchwind made you deputy."

Lightningstar can't help but smile bashfully at the praise; his father purrs, and Lightningstar nods gratefully.

"Thank you, Dad," he tells him, twitching his tail-tip. "I mean, Waspcloud-"

"Ah, stop that," Waspcloud meows, leaning over to nip Lightningstar's ear; his father just smiles warmly at him. "You don't have to be formal like that- we're still your Mom and Dad, not any other warrior!"

Lightningstar can't help but sigh, almost dramatically so; Appleclaw nuzzles his cheek, and Waspcloud purrs at him again.

"You two, just-" he begins, only to stop, shaking his head with a purr. "Thanks," he says suddenly, surprising himself. "For, uh- for always being here for me. For not…you know. For believing in me."

Appleclaw tugs on his ear gently after a moment of silence; she just shakes her head, but not unkindly; her amber eyes faintly glow with pride.

"You're our son," she tells him, whiskers twitching. "And we always knew- we knew that you and your brother and sister-" There's a flash of pain in Appleclaw's eyes as she says _brother_ , and Lightningstar can only guess that she's thinking of Foxstorm, of how he isn't here with them now. "-were going to do something great with your lives. And now you're leader of BrackenClan, Foxstorm- he had Sootwhisker and his daughters, and now Beestrike has Sorrelnose and her sons."

Lightningstar nods slowly, leaning against his mother; he thinks of her words, tries to feel pride for himself - and he does, underneath the initial sigh of sadness he releases. There's that nagging again, that feeling of- of _incompletion_ , of longing.

( _i want that,_ part of him thinks, the part of him that things of littletuft as he tries to sleep, who longs to be with the tom throughout the day, _i want to have that, what my siblings do. a family, someone to curl up with at night. kits, a mate, a life._ )

* * *

Gatherings have been, well they've been _odd_ since Ivyfur's death; five moons have passed, and Crowstar still seems apologetic beyond belief, despite the time that has transpired.

"We haven't scented Thrushfur, Pinetail, or Duckfoot on our territory since that day," Crowstar murmurs in a raspy, exhausted voice on the latest Gathering; Lightningstar pricks his ears, looking at the old tomcat. "We've- I've made sure the patrols have checked. I don't know what they- what _Thrushfur_ is planning exactly. I want to be prepared, for anything."

Lightningstar nods slowly; he appreciates Crowstar's efforts, and knows the tom cares and feels _horrible_ about Ivyfur's death - they all do, BrackenClan is still recovering, despite the time that has passed.

"Thank you," he murmurs, glancing towards where Gullstar and Lilystar are.

(Gullstar is nearing her end, he remembers Russetshade mentioning. Lightningstar can't help but feel a twist in his chest at the thought of it; Gullstar would be deeply missed by the Clans, just as Patchwind was - _is._ )

"It's the least MossClan can do," Crowstar meows, sighing. "I didn't know him, but- Ivyfur was a trusted cat, I could see that."

Lightningstar shifts, and Crowstar's old, dim eyes widen for a moment - the tom bows his head, and looks ahead of himself. The silver fur on his muzzle illuminates in the moonlight as he meows:

"I'm sorry, I'll stop speaking of him," he meows, although not angrily - he sounds empathetic. "I was the same when my first deputy, Pigeonfoot, died. It was hard."

There's a glimmer in Crowstar's gaze, something there that Lightningstar knows he's seen before - he's seen it on Deerspring, on Sootwhisker - he knows the look well.

"You two were close," Lightningstar murmurs, tilting his head to the side; he's happy for the change of conversation, but he feels like there's- that there's something there, another layer to the gruff but fair Crowstar he's come to know.

Crowstar breathes out; memories dance in his eyes, glowing in the light of the full moon. "He was my mate," he finally says, chuckling softly.

"Oh," Lightningstar isn't sure what to say; he doesn't know whether to apologize, or to ask what happened - what would be considered rude, what would be considered appropriate, he's never been good at these things.

"He always said it was biased of me too choose him as my deputy," Crowstar continues, tail-tip twitching. " _'Some cats will talk, say it's biased of you too chose me.'_ I'd always tell him that some cats needed to keep their trap shut about that - Pigeonfoot….he was a wonderful deputy."

"What happened to him, if-if that's okay of me to ask?" Lightningstar meows, blinking slowly. "Was it….like with Ivyfur?"

Crowstar's jaw sets, and he nods very slowly. "He was killed by a group of rogues, decades before you were born," he tells him. "We couldn't find them after that; they'd fled out of the valley."

"...Oh," Lightningstar says again, not sure what to say - he blinks slowly. "I'm-I'm sorry to hear that. It's not- I mean, it's probably not easy to lose your mate, especially...not like that."

Crowstar nods very slowly. "I never took another mate after him," he says with a soft laugh, shaking his head. He looks to Lightningstar, and his eyes are soft, for the first time that Lightningstar has ever seen on the MossClan leader. "But I know that it's hard, to adjust to a new deputy. Eagleflight seems like a fine tom, though; it'll get easier, I promise."

Lightningstar isn't sure what to say; he just nods, very slowly. He thinks of Crowstar's story, about how Crowstar was never able to move on from the loss of his mate - his thoughts drift to Littletuft then, despite the fact that he knows it's wrong for them to.

 _We're not- I mean, not_ officially _…._

"Are you two ready to start the Gathering?" Lilystar's calm voice breaks through Lightningstar's thoughts; Lightningstar blinks, looking up at her.

The white molly has been...distant towards him for quite some moons; never looking him in the eye, rarely addressing him at all.

It hurts a little; she's Littletuft's aunt after all, and even if she could never know about- about _them_ , he still wants her to at least like him. Perhaps it's a tall order for SnowClan's leader to be fond of him; he knows that she's a molly that rarely gets close to others, choosing to be by herself more than anything.

Crowstar nods, shaking out his fur. "I'm fine to start," he rasps, blinking slowly. "Are you, Lightningstar?"

Lightningstar's ear flicks, and he nods. "Yeah, I'm fine."

* * *

Rowankit and Sandkit are growing more by the day; they tumble out of the nursery after Sorrelnose, with Sandkit mewing for his mother's attention, and Rowankit darting between her forepaws.

"Rowankit, dear, Mommy is going to fall on her muzzle if you keep tripping me like this," Sorrelnose sighs, slowing down. "Sandkit - I'll watch you play in a moment, Mommy just wants some food, she's very hungry."

Cherrytuft chuckles from where he's watching, with his son, Owlpaw, tucked into his side; he purrs at his littermate, eyes twinkling.

"You alright there, Sorrel?" Cherrytuft meows, turning to lick Owlpaw's ear.

Sorrelnose sighs, shaking her head and leaning down to grasp Rowankit's scruff; she lifts the tomkit, placing him next to his brother.

"How did you manage _three_ kittens," she asks, tail-tip twitching. "I can hardly keep track of two!"

* * *

The moon is bright above Lightningstar's head as he leans against Littletuft, turning and grooming the smaller toms head; it's been awhile, with Littletuft getting caught up in SnowClan affairs, and Lightningstar spending more time with his sisters family, and with his own Clan.

"I'm sure Lilystar doesn't _hate_ you," Littletuft meows finally, leaning against Lightningstar a little more as he grooms his head. "She's a little quiet and aloof, I'll give you that - but she's not out for anyone's blood, not really. It's hard for her to trust others, that's all."

" _Still_ ," Lightningstar meows, shaking his head. "Still. She's your aunt, and I don't- I don't want her to _hate_ me, or my Clan."

(Much to his confusion, BrackenClan comes as an afterthought - Lightningstar wants Lilystar to like _him_ , and only after a few moments does he consider his Clan.

(He doesn't like it, and doesn't want to consider what it means - _you've lost the life of-_ )

"She doesn't _hate_ you," Littletuft meows softly; he purrs after a moment, and leans over, nuzzling the side of Lightningstar's face. "You're- well you're _you,_ you're always nice to others. It doesn't matter if they're in your Clan or not - you're always positive and sweet, and charming."

Lightningstar can't help the warmth that spreads under his cheek fur; he looks from Littletuft, staring at the waterfall intensely.

" _Stop,_ " he almost purrs, flicking his tail back and forth. "You're just- you're too nice to me, you're just being sweet."

Littletuft leans against him a little more, and rubs his forehead against Lightningstar's chin; Lightningstar purrs, leaning into the small tomcat.

"Well," Littletuft says, his voice ending in the tiniest of huffs. "I would _hope_ that my aunt would see that you're not a bad cat, or anyone worth hating - even if you are the leader of another Clan," he tells Lightningstar, shaking his head with a laugh. "I'd like to think I'm a good judge of character - I'd to think I picked a good cat to be my mate."

And there it is - finally spoken aloud, one of them _finally_ said it - and Littletuft flattens his ears, looking away for a moment, clearly shocked and embarrassed that he'd said that aloud.

"I, uh," Littletuft starts, flattening his ears; he sighs, and looks to Lightningstar, then back at his paws, then at the waterfall, then- "I'm. Yeah. That was…..sorry. Sudden."

Lightningstar's heart is thudding in his chest, but it's far from being in fear or embarrassed or _angry_ \- he's happy, happy beyond belief.

"Did you just say that?" Lightningstar can't help but ask, twitching his whiskers as he shuffles closer to Littletuft. "Am I really your mate?"

Littletuft's ear flicks, and he stares at Lightningstar. "Are you….?" he asks in a mixture of confusion and amusement.

Lightningstar purrs. "I wanna be," he tells him, wiggling his haunches gleefully. "If you- if that's okay, if it's cool, I want to be your mate. Can we make it official? Can I stop thinking you're just a really good friend, can we-"

"Okay, _okay_ , yes!" Littletuft purrs, reaching over and brushing noses with Lightingstar. " _Yes_ , you big furball, we can be mates." He's silent for a few moments, and Lightningstar licks his cheek. "Secret mates, but…"

Lightningstar's stomach twists at the thought of that, although he knows Littletuft is right; they have to remain a secret, especially with Russetshade knowing now, and Lightningstar already losing two lives - they have to be a secret.

 _Secret mates_ , he thinks, sighing a little.

"Yeah," he agrees, nodding. "...but-" He begins thinking of when Foxstorm and Sootwhisker became mates, how they suddenly were just _closer_ ; how when Beestrike became mates with Sorrelnose, they couldn't be apart; same with Adderstripe and Otterstream, and Ashstorm and Sleetdapple, and- "-but….can I just cuddle you, just for a moment? Pretend like we're still just….alone, in our own little Clan?"

Littletuft purrs, his eyes glowing with warmth; he reaches over, and brushes noses with Lightningstar again.

"Of course. C'mere, you puffball."

"Your puffball."

"Yes, my big 'ole fuzzball."

* * *

 _That night, he has the dream again - the dream where he's in a dark place, and the only thing in front of him is a ball of light - something far away, intangible almost. But unlike the other nights, he feels a presence alongside him; for the first time, he is more aware, more alert of his surroundings, and he searches through the dream, trying to find the other cat with him-_

 _And in the shadows, he can see_ him _, can see the tom in all his glory, eyes still as green and proud as in life, fur as red as the animal he was named for._

" _What are you doing here?" Lightningstar asks, padding forward. "Did StarClan send you? I haven't seen you since-"_

 _But there is something wrong with the other tom, not quite the same; his face does not glow with the light of StarClan, and his fur is not as bright and glittering with the stars of their ancestors like Lightningstar remembers. His face is taunt, eyes dim; he closer he gets, the less...welcoming the tom gets._

" _Foxstorm," Lightningstar murmurs, trying his brothers name on his tongue; Foxstorm looks at him, with a face too long, eyes too narrow, ears too tall - he doesn't look like the Foxstorm that he remembers at all. There is something_ off _, wrong here. "Foxstorm, if you're-"_

" _There goes BrackenClan's golden boy, pretending like he's too good for the ones who care about him!" Foxstorm snarls, but his voice is strange, too monotone, too disjointed. "You haven't been a brother, not since-"_

No, _he thinks, remembering exactly where these words are coming from - that fight, the fight before Foxstorm died, when they were both-_

" _Foxstorm," he says to the- the_ thing _standing before him, the thing that is too long, that walks awkwardly toward him, eyes becoming grayer and grayer the closer it steps towards Lightningstar. "Stop, you're- this has to be a dream, a_ nightmare, _shit, this isn't-"_

" _-not since you became_ deputy, _" the_ thing _hisses, eyes locked onto Lightningstar as it walks towards him, limbs seemingly too long for it's body as it approaches. "Little Lightningpelt, the golden boy of-"_

" _Stop," Lightningstar says, backing up. "_ Stop _, I-"_

-and he wakes with a jolt, breathing heavily, and with tufts of moss in his claws as he stares around him, jumping as each shadow dances across his vision.

He gets up without thinking or registering much of anything; he has to get out of this den, has to get somewhere safer, somewhere where he isn't so _trapped_ , where he can have some _air-_

-and he crashes into Russetshade as soon as he leaps from his den; the ginger tabby hisses as their chests collide, and he stumbles back, apologizing profusely despite the adrenaline coursing through his veins.

"I'm sorry, Russetshade, I'm-"

"It's alright, it's alright, I came to-"

"No, no, I'm sorry, I-I wasn't thinking, I didn't-"

" _Lightningstar,_ " Russetshade suddenly hisses; the old molly's eyes narrow, and she looks at him for a few moments as he calms himself, still breathing heavily from his nightmare.

"Sorry, I'm sorry," he repeats, shaking his head. He must look nuts, he thinks as he turns to lick down some of his tufted shoulder fur; his fur is sticking up at all angles, and his eyes are wide and fearful - he must look like he came face to face with a frothing dog.

"Stop apologizing," she says, her voice bordering a growl; but she doesn't seem too angry, as she looks over him. "But I think my instinct to check on you was right - were you having a dream?"

His ears draw back. "...more like a nightmare," he mumbles, looking back and forth to check if anyone is listening in. There's not, though; from what he can loosely remember, Stoatstep is watching the entrance of camp - but Lightningstar is sure the tom can't hear them from here.

"I see," Russetshade meows, and then she gestures for him to follow; he does, slowly following his medicine cat to the spot under the Tallrock, where the breeze misses them completely and the moon is hidden from their view. "Cats have been noticing that your…..dreams have been more frequent lately; we can hear you tossing and turning in there."

Lightningstar's ears flatten.

"They're more frequent, aren't they?" she asks; she's not pestering, nor being rude, and her eyes glow with a strange sort of empathy. "...is it do with the….the uh, tom that you are seeing?"

Her voice is soft, but Lightningstar still can't help but react like she shouted it; he shushes her, and she glares at him as he looks around.

"I- Russetshade, you can't just _ask_ me-"

She looks unimpressed. "Lightningstar. You are actively breaking the Code, and despite you being a leader- which gives you a small amount of _leeway_ , you're not in the position to hide things from me like this. We need to be a team, remember."

Lightningstar looks at his paws. "...okay, I know," he mumbles, feeling like a kit being chastised by Waspcloud again; he looks up at his medicine cat, sighing softly. "But- no, they're not- I don't...I don't think they're from Littletuft, things between me and him-" He's not sure if he should _say_ it, if Russetshade would grow angrier with him from hearing him tell her that he and Littletuft are officially mates now, or if perhaps it may smooth things over a little.

(He's not good with these things; he's never broken the Code before.)

"...we're mates now, actually," he whispers, tail-tip twitching. He thinks of Littletuft's gentle face, his soft voice, his-

"I genuinely don't know whether I should be angry with you, or at myself for letting this go on, despite knowing the lives you've lost," Russetshade shuts her eyes, and for a moment- Lightningstar is actually _mad_ at her.

It reminds him of one of his first Gatherings, when he was pressured to ask Crowstar publically about the MossClan scents in BrackenClan territory - the event that lead to Ivyfur's death. When he was ready to confront Thrushfur, to harm him in revenge for his deputy - it's an anger unlike himself, and he actually growls at her.

"I'm happy, Russetshade," he hisses, and when he shuts his eyes, he can see the Foxstorm from his nightmares, face too long, eyes too gray, limbs moving oddly as it came towards him, hissing _you haven't been a_ brother _!_ "For the first time in my _damn_ life since Foxstorm died, I'm happy. Littletuft - he makes me _happy_. So what if it breaks the Code, you- you _let_ me do it because you pitied me, and now that- now that I'm _happy_ -" His voice is breaking, cracking under the weight of _everything_ , of his Clan and of his responsibilities. "-you want to take that away?"

Russetshade seems shocked at his outburst; she has known him since he was a kitten, and she must know that this is rather unlike him - to snap so suddenly and actually confront someone head on. He's never done it before, not really - even in his time as deputy, he was always level-headed, calm-

 _weak. cowardly. afraid of confrontation._

"I'm happy, Russetshade," Lightningstar says, voice soft, slow; he's exhausted, angry, and he just wants to get _out_ of here, out of this Clan, this camp - _somewhere_ , anywhere else.

Russetshade blinks, very slowly, and she looks away from him; and in that moment the anger goes away, his fur begins to flatten, and he begins to realize how _bitter_ and rude he sounded - and he frowns, padding forward, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry," he meows, trying to catch her gaze. "Russetshade, I- I don't know where that came from, I don't- I shouldn't have yelled at you, I'm sorry."

Russetshade doesn't say anything more; she turns from him, and starts to slink off - it is in her nature, the rational part of him thinks, that she doesn't show her emotions much, that she doesn't like to fight and have confrontations, that she's a private molly.

But his heart aches in his chest as he watches her pad into the medicine cat den, silent and never saying a word to him.

And like the coward he is, he retreats to Littletuft, just as he always does; as soon as night falls the next day - with Russetshade not saying a word to him, clearly still angry with him, disappointed, upset…..he retreats back to he and Littletuft's secret place, where they can always go and meet.

And he crashes into the tom's side; he buries his face into Littletuft's fur, nosing him, and curling around him, his mate, the only thing in Lightningstar's life that makes sense anymore.

And Littletuft, as always, accepts him, and just curls around him, grooming his fur and murmuring sweet nothings into his ears: _you're my star, my world, you're my love and my life and i love you, i'm here lightningstar, i am here, i will_ always _be here for you. you are and always will be my world, the brightest star in the night. i love you._


End file.
